# e-Nagar

## April 30, 2007

### Asskissing In Life Gets You Far

Filed under: Humor — pegasus @ 12:18 AM

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here’s a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far ………

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

## April 29, 2007

### speeding ticket

Filed under: Humor — pegasus @ 1:58 PM

After pulling over a driver for speeding, a police officer had the following conversation with the driver…
Driver: I’m afraid I don’t have one. I was suspended when I got my fifth conviction fro drink driving.
Officer: Oh dear. Can I see the owner’s documents for this vehicle?
Driver: Actually it’s not my car. I stole it yesterday.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: Yes. But actually, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting away my gun.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I hid it after shot the owner and shoved her body in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
When he heard this, the police officer radioed his captain for backup. In a few minutes, the car was surrounded by armed police. The captain approached the driver to try and diffuse the tense situation.

Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.
Captain: Would you mind just slowly opening your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in there?
Driver: Of course officer, but there’s no gun in here!
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in there.
Driver: No problem officer, but I assure you there is nothing in the trunk!
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, that the car was stolen, that you had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk!
Driver: Really? Ain’t that something? And I’ll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too …

### A MOTHER KNOWS

Filed under: Humor — sree @ 10:10 AM

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can’t find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter, just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote:

“Dear Mother,

I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle from my house, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
John.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

“Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom.”

## April 26, 2007

### sweet revenge

Filed under: Humor — pegasus @ 4:57 PM

Dear Sirs:
Thank you for bouncing my check to my plumber. By my calculation, at least three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. Congratulations for seizing that brief window of opportunity and for debiting my account \$30 for the inconvenience I caused your bank.

This incident has made me rethink my errant financial ways. Whereas I personally answered your telephone calls and letters, when I attempt to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, pre-recorded, overcharging, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I shall be more like you. Therefore, my mortgage and loan payments will hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to a bank employee whom you may nominate. Be aware that under the U. S. Postal Act, it is a crime for any other person to open such an envelope.

Attached is my Application Contact which your chosen employee is required to complete. I am sorry that it runs eight pages, but I want to know as much about him or her as you know about me. Be sure that all copies of his or her medical history are countersigned by a notary public. The details of his or her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) are mandatory and must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a special PIN number which he or she must quote in future dealings with me. It may not be shorter than 28 digits because that is the number of button presses it takes me to access my account balance on your automated telephone voice system.

To level the playing field further, when you call me, for English press 1;
to make an appointment, press 2;
to query a missing payment, press 3;
to transfer your call to my living room, press 4;
to transfer the call to my bedroom, press 5;
to transfer the call to my toilet, press 6;
to transfer the call to my mobile phone, press 7;
to make a general complaint or inquiry, press 8.
to listen to your options again, press pound.
Enjoy the prerecorded uplifting music.

Again following your example, there will be an establishment fee to cover our new arrangement.
Sincerely,

## April 25, 2007

### school teacher

Filed under: Humor — pegasus @ 4:08 PM

A gorgeous young schoolteacher ran a red light and got caught by a ticket camera. She went to the traffic court judge’s chambers to request special attention since she was supposed to be teaching her class.
The judge looked over her beautiful body and said, “You know, I’ve always had a fantasy about schoolteachers.”
Her ticket, her fine, her increased insurance rates flashed through her mind. As she sat on the edge of his desk, she said, “Why, judge. Is there anything I can do about it?”
The judge grinned. “You sure can. Sit down at that table over there and write ‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times!”

myLot User Profile

## April 24, 2007

### “Wife” Philosophy

Filed under: Humor, Quotes — pegasus @ 7:02 AM

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. (Sacha Guitry)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. (Hemant Joshi)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas)

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? (Sigmund Freud)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous)

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” (Henny Youngman)

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” (Sam Kinison)

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.” (Patrick Murray)

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up. (Nash)

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once… (Anonymous)

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. (Anonymous)

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

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