Thank you for bouncing my check to my plumber. By my calculation, at least three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. Congratulations for seizing that brief window of opportunity and for debiting my account $30 for the inconvenience I caused your bank.
This incident has made me rethink my errant financial ways. Whereas I personally answered your telephone calls and letters, when I attempt to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, pre-recorded, overcharging, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I shall be more like you. Therefore, my mortgage and loan payments will hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to a bank employee whom you may nominate. Be aware that under the U. S. Postal Act, it is a crime for any other person to open such an envelope.
Attached is my Application Contact which your chosen employee is required to complete. I am sorry that it runs eight pages, but I want to know as much about him or her as you know about me. Be sure that all copies of his or her medical history are countersigned by a notary public. The details of his or her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) are mandatory and must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee a special PIN number which he or she must quote in future dealings with me. It may not be shorter than 28 digits because that is the number of button presses it takes me to access my account balance on your automated telephone voice system.
To level the playing field further, when you call me, for English press 1;
to make an appointment, press 2;
to query a missing payment, press 3;
to transfer your call to my living room, press 4;
to transfer the call to my bedroom, press 5;
to transfer the call to my toilet, press 6;
to transfer the call to my mobile phone, press 7;
to make a general complaint or inquiry, press 8.
To leave a message, you must first request a username and password; once your username is approved, a password will be mailed to you at a later date and time convenient to me and only to that previously specified Chosen Contact mentioned above.
To return to the main menu, press star;
to listen to your options again, press pound.
Enjoy the prerecorded uplifting music.
Again following your example, there will be an establishment fee to cover our new arrangement.