e-Nagar

April 19, 2007

Insurance Form Stories

Filed under: Humor — Ankur Aggarwal @ 1:26 am

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly approached in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

puns

Filed under: Humor — Ankur Aggarwal @ 12:21 am

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

What’s the definition of a will?
It’s a dead giveaway

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts;
in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road:
poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Special thanks to our friend Mellowdrama from Vizak who painstakingly compiled this list

April 18, 2007

Mommy Test !!

Filed under: Humor — Ankur Aggarwal @ 9:21 pm

plagiarism continues:
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked something up off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been,it’s dirty and it probably has germs”, I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly, “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test.

You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So, if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the daddy.”

“Exactly”, I replied back, with a big smile on my face.

Postal Department: Control Regime

Filed under: Thoughts — Ankur Aggarwal @ 8:46 pm

1) Why on earth there should be a monopoly for postal department?
Are we living in China or USA where each and every phone, letter, email is scanned. Do I have any privacy, any freedom???

Today government says no package less than 300gm should be send by private courier.
Tomorrow it will say all emails need to be send via government networks?
All phone calls via BSNL?

Do you know next time a peon/office boy moves a sheet of paper from my cubicle to my boss’s is breaking a law?

2) What is the benefit of fixing the price???? What sense does it make that private operators need to charge 2.5 times the charge???? Whom does it help?
Why is the government stopping a guy to provide me a better service at lower cost?

Why can’t government come up with a TRAI (Telecom Regulatory Authority of India) or a private Bank like arrangement where any private operator has a social obligation for an all inclusive growth… If the pvt guy is not interested, he needs to pay to the guys who do it on his behalf (read government) You levy a license fee, a tax based on turnover/revenue…. levy whatever you want as long as things are transparent and fair.

Department of posts (DoP), no matter how primitive, has done a great social service… It has connected the remotest part of the country with the rest of the world, it has given banking service to people whom not even Public Banks can cater, it enabled men to send money to their family settled back in villages.
But thanks to technology there are faster means of connectivity… People no longer use Telegram. they prefer emails, fax and telephone over posts…
But this bill helps nobody… infact you are regularizing inefficiency.

Interest rate screw up

Filed under: News, Thoughts — Ankur Aggarwal @ 6:51 am

On one Hand Manmohan Singh is talking about All Inclusive Growth… and on the other hand he is allowing RBI to make rich super-rich… and poor super poor.
Big industry and now government can seek international finance a token interest rate of 5% This economical finance is available to only the industrial giants who can reinvest the money and grow… While common man like u and me, small businessmen/traders need to pay 13-14% to get the same kind of finance… worse still since ellite Indian Banks do not cater to the masses.. a lot of us end up taking personal loans at 2-3% pm.

There is a risk of currency exchange rate fluctuations.. but since Indian currency is appreciating, and you are getting finance at 1/3 the cost… I think those who are eligible will not mind taking that risk. This unfair advantage will allow the giant to continue to grow and throw small merchants out of business… Something I seriously oppose…

The EMI rates have risen so high that many people will end up defaulting…. (banks will go under… already most of US banks are under threat due to sub-prime lending… indian banks will follow them to an abyss.) the demand for property will go down creating the prices to spiral down. this will first cause the reaity and real estate companies to go under. then soon the heat will be felt by cement and steel sectors.
Those who do not default on the loans they had taken, will see that after paying double the agreed amount of interest, they have nothing to spare… so the consumerism will actually go down…. hence cooling the entire economy….

The boom in Indian economy is due to consumerism… and not exports…. Everybody knows that, but who will tell the government?

So overall we will go back from BOOM ERA to the HINDU GROWTH RATE ERA… where we had high inflation, negligible growth and all the ills associated with stagnation.

PS: I’d write more, but I have to go earn money for the government to flush down the toilet.

April 17, 2007

Great Software Quotes …. !!!

Filed under: Quotes — Ankur Aggarwal @ 12:12 pm

UNIX is simple. But It just needs a genius to understand its simplicity.

–Dennis Ritchie

Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable.

–Ralph Johnson

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

–Fred Brooks

Theory is when you know something, but it doesn’t work. Practice is when something works, but you don’t know why it works. Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don’t know why.

It’s hard enough to find an error in your code when you’re looking for it; it’s even harder when you’ve assumed your code is error-free.

-Steve McConnell Code Complete

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

-Gerald Weinberg

The Six Phases of a Project:

Enthusiasm

Disillusionment

Panic

Search for the Guilty

Punishment of the Innocent

Praise for non-participants

Good code is its own best documentation. As you’re about to add a comment, ask yourself, ‘How can I improve the code so that this comment isn’t needed?’
Improve the code and then document it to make it even clearer.

–Steve McConnell Code Complete

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

–Bertrand Russell

No matter how slick (efficient) the demo is in rehearsal, when you do it in front of a live audience the probability of a flawless presentation is inversely proportional to the number of people watching, raised to the power of the amount of money involved.

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

–Robert Firth

Fifty years of programming language research and we end up with C++?

–Richard A. O’Keefe

C programmers never die. They are just cast into void.

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

–Edsger Dijkstra

You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic, but you cannot have both at the same time.

–(Bertrand Meyer)

(Thoughtful…)

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.

–Alan J. Perlis

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.

–Bill Gates

The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 10% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.

–Tom Cargill

Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning.

–Anon

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn’t as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.

–Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

I did say something along the lines of “C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows your whole leg off.”

–Bjarne Stroustrup

It has been said that the great scientific disciplines are examples of giants standing on the shoulders of other giants. It has also been said that the software industry is an example of midgets standing on the toes of other midgets.

–Alan Cooper About Face

Computers are dumb and yet they give you answers.

–Pablo Picasso

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

–attributed to Norm Schryer

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

–Will Rogers

Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer .

–Fred Brooks, Jr.

As we said in the preface to the first edition, C “wears well as one’s experience with it grows.” With a decade more experience, we still feel that way.

–Brian Kernighan and Dennis Ritchie

Simplicity is prerequisite for reliability

–Edsger W.Dijkstra

I’ve finally learned what “upward compatible” means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.

–Dennie van Tassel

Rules of Optimization:

Rule 1: Don’t do it.

Rule 2 (for experts only): Don’t do it yet.

–M.A. Jackson

Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.

–Alan Kay

Every program has (at least) two purposes:
the one for which it was written,
and another for which it wasn’t.

–Alan J. Perlis

Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.

–Putt’s Law

Copy and paste is a design error

–David Parnas

Any code of your own that you haven’t looked at for six or more months might as well have been written by someone else.

–Eagleson’s law

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