American Express


Today in the notice board there was a poster inviting people to apply for American Express Platinum Credit Card.
Since I had heard so much about it, and seen the Abishek Bachan’s advertisements, I thought what the hell.. let me also apply. So I called up the agent and the only question he asked me was what is my CTC (salary)… Then he said.. Sorry you are not eligible.. You need to earn atleast 1.5 Million INR p.a. to get the card… and he hanged up.

What kind of a stupid Bank is American Express… If they are so much worried about the salary (which they have all rights to be) then mention it in the advertisement poster. Why on earth they wasted my time for nothing?

PS: Per capita income of an Indian is 384 USD… so 1.5M INR is like 100 times what an average Indian earns

Who is a Hindu?


In an interesting decision given by the Privy council a century ago (1903) , the interpretation of the word ‘Hindu’ throws light on how liberal ‘Hinduism’ is in encompassing variety of practices and sections of people from the society and yet remain unique and unadulterated.
The Privy council in Bhagwan Koer Vs. J.C. Bose and Ors., Calcutta observed :

“We shall not attempt to lay down definition of what is meant by the term ‘Hindu’,
– to make it accurate and at the same time sufficiently comprehensive as well as distinctive is extremely difficult.

The Hindu religion is marvelously Catholic and elastic. Its theology is marked by eclecticism and tolerance and almost unlimited freedom of private worship.

Its social code is much more stringent, but amongst its different castes and sections exhibits wide diversity of practice.

No trait is more marked of Hindu society in general than its horror of using the meat of the cow. Yet the Chamaras (Scheduled castes)  who profess Hinduism , but who eat beef and the flesh of dead animals, are however low in the scale included within its pale.

Its easier to say who are not Hindus, and separation if Hindus from the Non-Hindus is not a matter of so much difficulty.

The people know the differences well and can easily tell who are Hindus and who are not “

Now…I am wondering what differences have we brought about after one hundred years !

Airline announcements


Airline announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

2. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

3. On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

4. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane”

5. “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

10. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

11. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

12. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. But please do not leave children or spouses.”

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

16. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

19. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine.

My Place or Your Place?


A Little Background:
Girl: She is a very successful and a caring lady. She purchased a nice house (whose value has appreciated many folds) and being the only child, takes care of her parents.
Guy: Also very successful. As his parents are in a different city, he lives alone in a rented apartment.

If there was something like equality of sexes, then I would expect that after marriage, the guy gives up the rented place and they all live happily ever after in the house which his wife purchased out of her own hard earned earnings.

I agree that in older times when man was considered  a breadwinner, living off the wife’s wealth had a social stigma attached to it (it still has). However in this case both the spouses have a comfortable 7 digit salaries so nobody is dependent on the other. The parents earn sufficient from their pension and investments to take care of themselves and the house has more rooms than inhabitants, so privacy also should not be the issue.

Why is it that after marriage the girl has to move in to the guy’s place?

Men’s Rights


Recipe for impressing a woman:

Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Encourage her, Believe in her, Pray with her, Pray for her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewelry, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

Just imagine substituting “him” for “her” in this passage, and telling women to do it. “I want to be his girlfriend, not his slave” would be a reasonable response.

What is Robin’s lesson? Men take a lot of abuse in our society, but rarely complain about it. Why not? Because when men complain, they look weak and get mocked.

Paranoid? Consider: You hear that a woman’s husband is cheating on her. Your likely reaction: Sympathy. OK, what if you hear that a man’s wife is cheating on him? Your likely reaction: Poorly suppressed laughter.

Similarly, how do you react when you hear that a man’s wife “won’t let him” do something? “Ha ha, he’s whipped.” What if you heard that a woman’s husband “won’t let her” do something? “How awful – how can she live like that?”

We usually think that people who complain have a raw deal. What Robin points out, though, is that the people with the rawest deals don’t complain because the world won’t listen.

The Strength of a Man


The strength of a man isn’t in the deep tone of his voice.
It’s in the gentle words he whispers.
The strength of a man isn’t how many buddies he has.
It’s how good of buddies he is with his children.
The strength of a man isn’t in how respected he is at work.
It’s in how respected he is at home.
The strength of a man isn’t in how hard he hits.
It’s in how tender he touches.
The strength in a man isn’t in the hair on his chest.
It’s in his Heart . . . that lies within his chest.
The strength of a man isn’t in the weight he can lift.
It’s in the burdens he can carry.

–Sermon Fodder

Toast to the Traffic Jams of Bangalore


Over these last few years of living in Bangalore, I have slowly grown to like the jams, which this city provides in abundance.

These jams do build your patience and character. Is it a coincidence that India’s most patient cricketers, Dravid and Kumble, hail from this city of jams? (Dravid is even nicknamed “Jammy”). Does it tell you something? Sri Sri Ravishankar oes he get his daily dose of spiritual inspiration while in a jam?? And will I also get a halo after a few more years of this “character building”?? There are, I am sure, thousands of future software engineers is stuck in the Adugodis and Anand Rao circles, who are plotting their moves against future Kramnik those poor little Kramniks stand no chance. And if you see a professor-like guy prancing around the Palace road jam, you can deduce that a postulate in Physics has just been proved.

A few days back, I had a thought – If we can have reviews of movies, which occupy only a few hours of our life in a month, why not reviews of traffic jams, which takes up significant hours of our day?? So here is my review of some of Bangalore’s famous and not-so-famous jams (in no particular order).

But before that, a general comment – As they say, the taste of food in a restaurant is dependent on the ambience ; similarly, the way I see jams, cozy inside the office shuttle or public transport, is different from the way the owner of the swank new SUV sees it. (btw, if you are the owner of the swank new SUV, don’t run me down).

*1. The Hosur Road Jam* – Unarguably, the mother of all jams. We (ex-) Infoscions are proud of being (once) associated with a great company. We are equally proud of contributing in no small extent to this jam. This jam gives a great glimpse of the Other India – colorful music-blaring interstate buses, garment factory workers, highway trucks, smoke spewing lorries and such. Provides ample food for thought for socialist minds. (Rating: ***1/2)

*2. The jams around K’mangala/Forum mall* -
Definitely the best jams in town. PYTs (Pretty young things), fancy cars, and fancy restaurants; this has it all. But you can’t afford any of those. Never mind!! Your sadistic brain can take pleasure in the fact that the guy in the fancy car next to you is cruising around for a parking space, feasting his eyes on the PYTs , while his family is having dinner in one of the fancy restaurants. (Rating: ****1/2)

*3. The KG Road jam* – To be experienced in the evenings before a long weekend. Every auto/taxi in town seems to be stuck while going towards the City railway station – your hair stands on end, you start sweating, the heart beats faster, and you get the rush that a Michael Schumachaer gets on his last lap. And just as the auto moves, a movie show ends and a few hundred more vehicles pour out�c Which was the train that hooted just now?? (Rating: ***1/2)

*4. The Jayanagar jam* – The puzzle-lovers jam; Jayanagar is maze of bylanes, one-way streets, no right-turns, no left-turns, traffic signals and whatnot. It is an establised fact that Point A to point B, in Jayanagar, can be reached in 6436 distinct ways. But whichever way you take, you are left with a hollow feeling that another route had a better and bigger jam?
(Rating: **1/2)

*5. The jams around Marathahalli/Whitefield -* The IT professional’s dream jam; As she sits in the office shuttle looking at other office buses, she can make her career plans. A typical evening in this jam goes thus:

*Voice from Company A bus : “Any J2EE developers in your bus?”. Three guys from Company B bus respond “Yeah” and get down. By the time, the bus crosses the Marathahalli bridge, the first guy is hired as a J2EE developer. The second guy, who didn’t know what J2EE meant, is hired as a project manager and the third guy is rejected as he realised late that he has already worked for Company A last year. (Rating: ****)

* 6. The Airport Road jam -* Similar in taste and character like the Koramangala jam but has socialist twist. This jam treats the rich businessman, who will later travel business class on Jet, the same as a poor programmer, who had unusually come to office early in the morning, 3 months back, to buy one of those cheap airline tickets. (Rating ***)

*7. The BTM 7th Main x 7 Cross jam -* Close to my home, so close to my heart. But alas, the spoilsports at BDA finished the flyover at the Jayadeva circle and brought an end to this jam. But for a couple of years, this jam used to give me pure joy as vehicles of all types created a tangle in the small bylanes of BTM layout. The BDA is now planning a new flyover at the Udupi Garden junction; so there is still hope (Rating ***1/2).

We jam lovers – currently this club consists of only me – have petitioned the government to protect and preserve traffic jams as a cultural asset of Bangalore. Just so that traffic jams are not endangered in the future, we have these suggestions:

1. Build more flyovers – Flyovers do not reduce jams. They just transfer it to the next junction. And in the 2 years that it takes to build them, you are assured of some joyous jams. I am drooling…

2. No public buses – If everybody goes by buses, where will our culture go?

3. Make Tata’s 1-Lakh car cheaper by making it tax free – Imagine every two wheeler replaced by a car…The prospects are mouth-watering.

Author unknown.
*Another creative work from a jobless s/w engineer… *

Before Marriage


He: Yes at last, it was so hard to wait.
She: Do u want me to leave???
He: No, don’t even think about it.
She: Do u love me???
He: Of course.
She: have u ever cheated on me???
He: No, why are you even asking???
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes
She: Will you hit me???
He: No way, i am not such a kind of a person.
She: Can I trust u?
He: Yes
She: Dear!

Now after marriage u read it from bottom to top.

-Forwarded by Suri

Brazalian


In a Cabinet meeting this morning, Donald Rumsfeld reported to the President and the cabinet. He said, “Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq.”

The President says, “Oh, my God!” and buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet is stunned. Not a word is spoken. Usually George Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to this kind of report.

Just then, Bush looks up and says, “How many is a brazilian?”

-Source