*You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
*You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
*You have more wives than teeth.
*You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon ‘unclean.’
*You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
*You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
*You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
*You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
*You’ve often uttered the phrase, ‘I love what you’ve done with your cave.’
*You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
*You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
*You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.