e-Nagar

From an email forward:

I’m not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson’s No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

God: An invisible friend for adults
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend

You shouldn’t say anything mean about people who can’t read. You should write it instead.

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

He didn’t know if it was a gun in her pocket or she was just pleased to see him, but neither option looked good.

Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer

Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, whern you insult him, you’ll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

I still miss my ex-girlfriend… but my aim is improving

coffee just isn’t my cup of tea

Duct tape is like ‘the force, it has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together

Cancel my subscription caused I’m over your issues!

It appears the location of my fist and your head are not mutually exclusive! It is a probability miracle!

I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.

Faith may move mountains but it was the whip that built the pyramids.

I used to think I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure.

You can’t have “manslaughter” without “laughter”

NEW BRIDGE HELD UP BY RED TAPE

If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?

From an email forward:

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘OK old fart, time for you to retire.’

The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me, can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’

The young rooster says ‘Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.’

The old rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’

The young rooster laughs. ‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.’

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as fast as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and – BOOM – He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, ‘Dammit…..third gay rooster I bought this month.’

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic..And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass…and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ‘You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.’Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
“You were born a deer, you were raised a deer, but now you a catfish.”

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.