A guy walks into the bar and orders 9 shots of tequila. So the bartender pours nine shots and the man downs one after the other.
“Holy shit!” the bartender exclaims “That the most tequila I’ve ever seen anyone drink that fast before - what’s the occasion?”
“My first blow job” the man announces quite plainly.
“Well” the bartender replies “let me buy you another!”
“Listen, if 9 doesn’t take the taste out of my mouth, another one won’t help.”
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~ Abraham Lincoln
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert Heinlein
Sex is emotion in motion. ~ Mae West
Sex relieves tension - love causes it. ~ Woody Allen
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. ~ Bob Rubin
Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast. ~ Woody Allen
The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently. ~ Margaret Smith
Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~ Quentin Crisp
Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~ Marlene Dietrich
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute. ~ Author Unknown
Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Butch Hancock
To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~ Don Schrader
Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off. ~ Author Unknown
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ~ Mark Twain
We all worry about the population explosion, but we don’t worry about it at the right time. ~ Arthur Hoppe
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~ Woody Allen
There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. ~ Elton John
When a guy goes to a hooker, he’s not paying her for sex, he’s paying her to leave. ~ Author Unknown
The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it. ~ Truman Capote
A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~ Author Unknown
I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Author Unknown
Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t! ~ George Bernard Shaw
Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped. ~ Author Unknown
Don’t knock masturbation - it’s sex with someone I love. ~ Woody Allen
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ~ Frederike Ryder
Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time. ~ Author Unknown
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? ~ Murray Banks
Tell him I’ve been too fucking busy - or vice versa. ~ Dorothy Parker
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. ~ Jay McInerney
An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets. ~ Author Unknown
A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: “Because everything does.” ~ Honor Tracy
Sex is interesting, but it’s not totally important. I mean it’s not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement. ~ Charles Bukowski
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. ~ Matt Groening
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. ~ P.J. O’Rourke
A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. ~ Karl Kraus
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it. ~ Cary Grant
My message to the businessman of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife. ~ Edwina Currie
I’d like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he’s working on now.
~ Author Unknown
The common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex. ~ Randy Thornhill and Craig T. Palmer
A newly-married couple was shopping when the bride noticed her husband checking out yet another cute sales clerk. “Bill! You’re like a kid in a candy store!” she reprimanded. “Now that we’re married,”
Bill replied, “I’m more like a kid with diabetes in a candy store!”
—-
Definitions
Birth Control Pill: The other thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Spouse: Someone you screw occasionally to get the chores done.
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON’T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
(You’re laughing, aren’t you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know….it never happened)
( C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)
—–
Dilbert has a nice point about 5 year plans.
Here are the winning entries to the Washington Post Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition :
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Official Announcement:
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed!
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. White Castle ? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7 .. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning
An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society: the optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute.
Airlines have really changed; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage helicopter fly-ins?
“Son, you’re going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot: you can’t do both.”
Death is nature’s way of telling you to watch your airspeed.
There are only three things the copilot should ever say:
“Nice landing, sir.”
“I’ll buy the first round.” and
“You can have the pretty one.”
As a pilot, only two bad things can happen to you and one of them definitely will:
one day you’ll walk out to your plane knowing it’s your last flight or
one day you’ll walk out to your plane not knowing it’s your last flight!
A virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
——
Here is a video of a nice stand up comedy mocking the Indian and the British ways of life.
Ray and Sarah had been childhood sweethearts, and had lived within 10 miles of each other ever since they were born, except for the 3 years Sarah went off to college in New York.
All sorts of rumors had been drifting back to town about Sarah’s lifestyle, and faithlessness to Ray, but she swore blind she was staying true, and it was when she returned from those 3 years, that she finally said yes to Ray’s proposal of marriage.
Actually, this was so sudden, that Ray became nervous. I mean, he trusted Sarah, but what if.. what if she had got knocked up at college. If he married her now, they’d be raising that kid.
He confided this worry to his best man, and asked if there was any surefire way to make sure his wife was a virgin?
His friend sipped his beer, thoughtfully, before walking out the bar, across the street to the hardware store. He returned carrying 2 tester pots of purple and green paint, and a shovel, handing them all to the prospective groom.
“Here”, he said, ” On your wedding night, use these to paint your balls different colors, and when you strip for bed, se what her reaction is. If she says “those are the funniest balls I’ve ever seen”, hit her with the shovel”
—-
A little girl looked up from her book and asked, “Mommy, how do lions make love?”
Her mother absentmindedly replied, “I don’t know, dear. Most of Daddy’s friends are in Rotary!”
