ENagar

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. ‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl. ‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know, I haven’t had the flu all winter.’

A guy walks into the bar and orders 9 shots of tequila. So the bartender pours nine shots and the man downs one after the other.

“Holy shit!” the bartender exclaims “That the most tequila I’ve ever seen anyone drink that fast before – what’s the occasion?”

“My first blow job” the man announces quite plainly.

“Well” the bartender replies “let me buy you another!”

“Listen, if 9 doesn’t take the taste out of my mouth, another one won’t help.”

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert Heinlein

Sex is emotion in motion. ~ Mae West

Sex relieves tension – love causes it. ~ Woody Allen

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. ~ Bob Rubin

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast. ~ Woody Allen

The best contraceptive is the word no – repeated frequently. ~ Margaret Smith

Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~ Quentin Crisp

Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~ Marlene Dietrich

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute. ~ Author Unknown

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Butch Hancock

To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~ Don Schrader

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off. ~ Author Unknown

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children. ~ Mark Twain

We all worry about the population explosion, but we don’t worry about it at the right time. ~ Arthur Hoppe

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~ Woody Allen

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. ~ Elton John

When a guy goes to a hooker, he’s not paying her for sex, he’s paying her to leave. ~ Author Unknown

The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it. ~ Truman Capote

A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~ Author Unknown

I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Author Unknown

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t! ~ George Bernard Shaw

Flies spread disease – keep yours zipped. ~ Author Unknown

Don’t knock masturbation – it’s sex with someone I love. ~ Woody Allen

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ~ Frederike Ryder

Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time. ~ Author Unknown

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? ~ Murray Banks

Tell him I’ve been too fucking busy – or vice versa. ~ Dorothy Parker

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. ~ Jay McInerney

An erection is like the Theory of Relativity – the more you think about it, the harder it gets. ~ Author Unknown

A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: “Because everything does.” ~ Honor Tracy

Sex is interesting, but it’s not totally important. I mean it’s not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement. ~ Charles Bukowski

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. ~ Matt Groening

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. ~ P.J. O’Rourke

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. ~ Karl Kraus

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it. ~ Cary Grant

My message to the businessman of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife. ~ Edwina Currie

I’d like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he’s working on now.
~ Author Unknown

The common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex. ~ Randy Thornhill and Craig T. Palmer

A newly-married couple was shopping when the bride noticed her husband checking out yet another cute sales clerk. “Bill! You’re like a kid in a candy store!” she reprimanded. “Now that we’re married,”
Bill replied, “I’m more like a kid with diabetes in a candy store!”
—-

Definitions
Birth Control Pill: The other thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Spouse: Someone you screw occasionally to get the chores done.

Here are the winning entries to the Washington Post Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition :

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n. olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

4. White Castle ? No thanks, I’m not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7 .. I’m not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society: the optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute.

Airlines have really changed; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage helicopter fly-ins?

“Son, you’re going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot: you can’t do both.”

Death is nature’s way of telling you to watch your airspeed.

There are only three things the copilot should ever say:
“Nice landing, sir.”
“I’ll buy the first round.” and
“You can have the pretty one.”

As a pilot, only two bad things can happen to you and one of them definitely will:
one day you’ll walk out to your plane knowing it’s your last flight or
one day you’ll walk out to your plane not knowing it’s your last flight!