ENagar

Ray and Sarah had been childhood sweethearts, and had lived within 10 miles of each other ever since they were born, except for the 3 years Sarah went off to college in New York.

All sorts of rumors had been drifting back to town about Sarah’s lifestyle, and faithlessness to Ray, but she swore blind she was staying true, and it was when she returned from those 3 years, that she finally said yes to Ray’s proposal of marriage.

Actually, this was so sudden, that Ray became nervous. I mean, he trusted Sarah, but what if.. what if she had got knocked up at college. If he married her now, they’d be raising that kid.

He confided this worry to his best man, and asked if there was any surefire way to make sure his wife was a virgin?

His friend sipped his beer, thoughtfully, before walking out the bar, across the street to the hardware store. He returned carrying 2 tester pots of purple and green paint, and a shovel, handing them all to the prospective groom.

“Here”, he said, ” On your wedding night, use these to paint your balls different colors, and when you strip for bed, se what her reaction is. If she says “those are the funniest balls I’ve ever seen”, hit her with the shovel”
—-

A little girl looked up from her book and asked, “Mommy, how do lions make love?”
Her mother absentmindedly replied, “I don’t know, dear. Most of Daddy’s friends are in Rotary!”

A very adult joke
(more…)

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright”, Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.”Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the >wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.”"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
—-

A man and his wife watched a televised boxing match that quickly ended in a knockout. The husband groaned. “What a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!”
His wife replied, “Now you know how I feel!”

Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.

Let your imagination run free.

From the creator of Dilbert:-

http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/10/man-loves-bicyc.html

A bicycle I can visualize but pavements?

1. “What the f… was that?” -Mayor of Hiroshima

2. “Where did all these f…ing Indians come from?” -Custer

3. “Any f…ing idiot could understand that.” -Einstein

4. “It does SO f…ing look like her!” -Picasso

5. “How the f… did you work that out?” -Pythagoras

6. “You want WHAT on the f…ing ceiling?” -Michaelangelo

7. “I don’t suppose it’s gonna f…ing rain.” -Joan of Arc

8. “Scattered f…ing showers…my ass!” -Noah

9. “I need this parade like I need a f…ing hole in my head!” -JFK

10. “Aw, c’mon Monica, who the f… is going to find out?” -Bill Clinton