ENagar

An old man goes into a confession booth and tells the priest,” Father, I’m eighty years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two eighteen-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you came to confession?”

“Never, Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
———-

What do Viagra And Theme Parks have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

* When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good.
If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad.

* Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither.
And don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.

* In fishing you lie about the one that got away.
In loving you lie about the one you caught.

* You can catch and release a fish, you don’t have to lie, and promise to
still be friends after you let it go.

* You don’t necessarily have to change your line to keep catching fish.

* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent frozen squid.
If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.

* Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

—-
BTW here is a sure shot recipe for a hit movie.

Whenever you read an adverisement like this:

WANTED

A tall, well-built woman with good
sense of humor, who can cook frog
legs and who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Remember guys only thought of the lines 1,3 and 5 and rest they filled up with filler words.

—–
BTW here is a nice email conversation emphasizing the need of proper documentation and processes. (Link forwarded by Karthi)

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn’t matter; it’s always good

20. Morally Challenged

19. Sado-Masochistically-Engineered

18. Sensationally-Accomplished

17. Kinkifically-Resolved

16. Exhibitionistically-Oriented

15. Missionary-Incompatible

14. Dominantly-Endowed

13. Submissively-Enabled

12. Orientation-Curious

11. Contusion-Achieved

10. Gender-Empowered

9. Pain-Reliant

8. Poly-Capable

7. Deviationally-Fixated

6. Fetish-Accessible

5. Restraint-Compatible

4. Leather-Dependant

3. Endorphin-Enhanced

2. Spank-Natured

And the #1 politically correct way to say ‘pervert’…
1. Vanilla-Impaired!!!

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his first day there he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied up at the back of the barracks. He asked hi sergeant what this animal was for.
The sergeant replied, “Well, sir, we’re a fair distance from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”
The captain thinks about this, and says, “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I suppose it’s all right with me.”
After he has been at the fort for about six months, the captain became very frustrated himself. Finally he could stand it no longer and so he told his sergeant, “Bring in the camel!”
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters. The captain then got a foot stool and began to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down, satisfies, and was buttoning his pants up, he asked the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”
The sergeant replied, “Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride to the brothel in town.”

It was mailman George’s last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at
the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he’d had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’”
“Breakfast was my idea.”

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Baby Drink
How do you make a baby drink?
Stick it in the blender.

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Orgasm-isms
A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.
“Those are sperm cells.”