e-Nagar

May 18, 2012

And then the fight started

Filed under: Email Hoakes, Humor — Skabeesh @ 10:00 am

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol pump.
And then the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked my wife, ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’ She sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ I said to my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started.

My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to me,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started.

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Kingfisher for 500 rs.
Instead, she bought a jar of Olay cream for 700 rs.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cream..
And then the fight started..

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere iv not been in a long time. So I took her to the kitchen.
And then the fight started…

October 9, 2011

eMail jokes

Filed under: Email Hoakes, Humor — Skabeesh @ 7:40 am

1. This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.
 
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against, among other things… “FIRE”..!!
 
Within a month… having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars… the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
 
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were… “lost in a series of small fires’.
 
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
 
The lawyer sued… and… WON…!!!
 
Delivering the ruling… the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous… but he stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be acceptable explanation of the term ‘fire’…(as in the act of actually smoking the cigar) and was obligated to pay the claim.
 
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling… and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that were… “lost in a series of small fires’.
 
NOW FOR THE BEST PART…
 
After the lawyer cashed the check… the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON…!!!
 
With evidence of his own insurance claim… and testimony from the case being used against him… the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine…!!!
 
This true story won First Place in the “Criminal Lawyers Award” contest in the following year.
 
ONLY IN AMERICA…!!!

2.An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.This continued off and on for several weeks.Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ’He lives in a home, with my non stop chatting and nagging wife, he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.Can I come with him tomorrow ? Thanks

August 31, 2011

Frasier Quotes

Filed under: Humor, Quotes — Skabeesh @ 12:48 pm

I am a big fan of the sitcom Frasier. It is one of the most successful spin-off series in television history and one of the most critically acclaimed comedy series of all time. During it’s eleven year run., it won a record 37 Emmies. I decided to compile the best quotes from the protagonist, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I do believe watching them in context is way funnier.

01.I’m not chicken. I’m just really hesitant.

02.I’m sorry, Niles, I was afraid you might be trying to get a picture of my butt!

03.How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!

04.You’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger snob in the entire room!

05.I’m not bored, I was simply wondering how long we’ve been sitting here enjoying ourselves.

06.You’re not a child anymore. Now come with me to the bathroom.

07.There’s an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem.

08.I took my poor battered heart and offered it to Lilith….who put it in her little food processor and hit the puree button.

09.She’s obviously a little touchy about her age, but it’s not like this is the first time she’s turned forty.

10.I am so tired of your exaggeration! You always make things 50,000 times worse than they are!

11.There are worse things than seeing your career go down the toilet. I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes.

12.Oh, I’m sorry. Was I snippy? I didn’t realize that it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

13.And while I agree that washing his hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive-compulsive behavior, bear in mind that your husband is a coroner.

14.I see you’re still waiting on that spine donor.

15.Somebody’s marriage must be on the skids! Somebody’s career must be going badly . . . besides mine.

August 20, 2011

The First Time

Filed under: adult, Humor — Skabeesh @ 4:28 am

Laughed real hard at this e-mail forward –

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the beautiful young lady behind the counter (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.”

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. She looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. “Just a minute,” she said, walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

“Do these excite you?” she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. “Well, come on,” she said, “We don’t have much time.”

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and, KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. “Did you put that condom on?” she asked.

I said, “I sure did,” and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me. Women have always been hard for me to figure out!

July 6, 2011

Duct Tape Driving

Filed under: Humor — Skabeesh @ 9:00 pm

So, I joined a start-up in Ahmadabad some time back. We are trying to do something for the rural sector…and no, it is not going to be another N.G.O. Anyhow, marketing basics taught me that if I am to make you interested in what I have to offer, I have to know what you want, directly or otherwise. So to get our marketing inputs, we keep making trips to the countryside, where our customers are.

During our last trip, we had done a particularly torturous route of 50 km on village road, before hitting the wonderful highway. So within moments, we were doing around 150 kph and still cursing the car to go faster and make up for the last stretch. Then IT happened. The front tire blew up, and took the fender panel out with it. In a breathtaking manoeuvre, we managed to stop the car without any accident. After a few oh shits and thank gods, we got to the damage assessment. We had the following situation at hand -

1 car with a blown tire, no right fender or indicator and hanging electrical wires.

1 fender without a car with broken unknown scraps instead of an inner panel.

4 ‘mechanical engineers‘ with a wtf look on their faces.

1 spare tyre, a jack, some duct tape, tools and bolts we didn’t know about.

We got to work. Well, they got to work and I watched. After they replaced the tyre, they started looking at me. No matter how much I hemmed and hawwed, they made me work on the fender with them. After a considerable amount of time, we ended up taking pics or smoking because the damn thing wouldn’t hold. And then, the genius hit me. India runs on jugaad. So can this car. I took the duct tape and taped the wires and the fender. True, I used up a big tape completely but the fender was in place, a true ta-da moment.

Well it ends on a happy note. We reached a mechanic soon who ripped us for the repair works but we had a satisfying dinner. We made it back without any further incidents and my conceited ego got inflated by another 100 PSI. I realized my superpower of jugaad and decided that this super hero could have his great powers without any responsibility.

July 5, 2011

The Lonely Mannequin

Filed under: Humor — Skabeesh @ 9:00 pm

The corridor in Ahmadabad’s NDBI Incubation Cell features a female mannequin. It must have been put there by a fashion start-up which either moved out or closed down. This mannequin is always covered in an old jacket and from the time I have been in NDBI, it had never been moved or touched. It was one of the old fixtures in the joint we never bothered about.

Until the fateful day. We started sharing our office with another team. In a leisurely break when I asked them about the place, the topic of fashion start-ups came up. One of the guys then informed me that the jacket on the mannequin wasn’t always there…and the mannequin, as he put it, was anatomically correct to a perverted level. Then he added a sly knowing smile, and said to my partner – “kyun sahi bola na bhai?” (Am I right, bro?)

From the hemming and hawing that came as a response from my partner, it was clear he was standing on a quicksand and we were about to facilitate his drowning. With hyena like smiles on everyone’s face and my interest piqued, my poor partner was a gazelle trapped in midst.

As it turns out, my friend used to work till wee hours alone before I came and didn’t realize that a camera used to watch his activities with the mannequin in the corridor with interest. So did the guards and eventually, the entire NID campus, with much amusement…unless someone put a jacket on the subject of interest. Now I understood why anatomically correct to a “perverted” degree. How he gave up his habit is a mystery. Whether it was the end of his perversion, his finding out about the camera or someone eventually covering the mannequin with a jacket as a subtle hint, its anyone’s guess.

You cannot question a person for mistreating a mannequin; hence my partner escaped scot-free. But on the very next day of this conversation, the mannequin was removed. Hmm…do they have microphones in the office??

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