ENagar

Another set of email forwards

Teacher: Translate – Bazaar mein goliyan chal rahi hain. (A gunfight is happening in the market)
Santa: The Tablets are walking in the market.

Interviewer: What is skeleton?
Santa: Skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!

Driver: Sir ji, petrol khatam ho gaya , gaadi aage nahi ja sakti.
Banta:-Chalo Phir, wapis le chalo.

Santa: Wo dekh teri biwi ko saanp kaat raha hai.
Banta: Are tension mat le, saap Jeher bharwane aya hoga…

Banta: Kal Muje 10 logo ne Peeta.
Santa: Phir tune kya kiya?
Banta: Maine kaha salon ek-ek karke aao.
Santa: Phir?
Banta: Phir kya, Salon ne ek-ek karke dubara Peeta !

Pappu: Ajj madam ne 1 swaal puchhya jisda jawab sirf mainu hi pata si.
Santa: Mera biba beta, ki swaal si?
Pappu: Swaal si k blackboard kol susu kine kita hai?

From an email forward:

I’m not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson’s No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

God: An invisible friend for adults
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend

You shouldn’t say anything mean about people who can’t read. You should write it instead.

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

He didn’t know if it was a gun in her pocket or she was just pleased to see him, but neither option looked good.

Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer

Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, whern you insult him, you’ll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

I still miss my ex-girlfriend… but my aim is improving

coffee just isn’t my cup of tea

Duct tape is like ‘the force, it has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together

Cancel my subscription caused I’m over your issues!

It appears the location of my fist and your head are not mutually exclusive! It is a probability miracle!

I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.

Faith may move mountains but it was the whip that built the pyramids.

I used to think I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure.

You can’t have “manslaughter” without “laughter”

NEW BRIDGE HELD UP BY RED TAPE

If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

From an email forward:

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘OK old fart, time for you to retire.’

The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me, can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’

The young rooster says ‘Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.’

The old rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’

The young rooster laughs. ‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.’

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as fast as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and – BOOM – He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, ‘Dammit…..third gay rooster I bought this month.’

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic..And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass…and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ‘You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.’Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
“You were born a deer, you were raised a deer, but now you a catfish.”

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Baniya: Yeh kela(banana) kaisay diya?
Shopkeeper: 1Rs.
Baniya: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?
S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.
Baniya:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de

Baniya on his death time.
My wife, where r u ?
Wife:Yes, I’m here
My sons daughters ru all here?
Yes, Papa
Baniya:To phir brabar wale kamre
ka pankha Q khula hay ??? :D:D

Baniya 14th floor se neche gira
Girte waqt usne
apni ghar ki khirki me
apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha
to chilla k bola
MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!

Baniya ne sheikh ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.
Sheikh ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.
Sheikh ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,
Baniya ne phir khoon dia.
Ab k bar Sheikh ne till waly laddu gift kiye,
Baniya:Ghusse se, mercedez kion nahi di?
Sheikh:Munna…!! Ab hamarey ander bhi baniye ka khoon dor raha hay:)

Baniya called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai, kya charges hongay?
NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.
Baniya: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho “Chacha Guzar Gaye”.
Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!
Baniya: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do….. Acha likho……. ……… .
Chacha Guzar Gaye – Maruti for Sale .

Baniya ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?
Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.
Baniya ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:
Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.

Baniya ko bhoot charh gaya ,
3 din baad bhoot khud ek ojha k paas gaya aur bola,
Ojha sahab mujhe bahar Nikalo..! Warna me to bhookha hi mar jaon ga

Titanic K Sath Baniya Bhi Doob Raha Tha
Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
Baniya: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda

- Forwarded by Laxmi

A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school.

Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, “You kids are a lot of fun. I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the man tells the kids, “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.

A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. “Look,” he says, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?”

“A freakin’ quarter?” the drum leader exclaims. “If you think we’re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts. We quit.”
source

Dear Staff,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in US since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early
Workers). A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as
Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEd can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention
of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

— Forwarded by Augustin

A small town with a high birth rate attracted the attention of a team of university sociologists. They wrote a grant proposal, got a chunk of money, hired aides and an anthropologist, found a family planning and birth control specialist, moved to town, rented offices, set up their computers, and designed questionnaires. On the first full day of work, the project director went out for a cup of coffee. The waitress, knowing he was not a local, asked why he was in town. He explained and then asked her if she had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
To his surprise, she replied, “Sure. Every morning the six o’clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing, waking everybody up. It’s too late to go back to sleep and it’s too early to get up!”