2.An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.This continued off and on for several weeks.Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ’He lives in a home, with my non stop chatting and nagging wife, he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.Can I come with him tomorrow ? Thanks

01.I’m not chicken. I’m just really hesitant.

02.I’m sorry, Niles, I was afraid you might be trying to get a picture of my butt!

03.How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!

04.You’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger snob in the entire room!

05.I’m not bored, I was simply wondering how long we’ve been sitting here enjoying ourselves.

06.You’re not a child anymore. Now come with me to the bathroom.

07.There’s an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem.

08.I took my poor battered heart and offered it to Lilith….who put it in her little food processor and hit the puree button.

09.She’s obviously a little touchy about her age, but it’s not like this is the first time she’s turned forty.

10.I am so tired of your exaggeration! You always make things 50,000 times worse than they are!

11.There are worse things than seeing your career go down the toilet. I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes.

12.Oh, I’m sorry. Was I snippy? I didn’t realize that it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

13.And while I agree that washing his hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive-compulsive behavior, bear in mind that your husband is a coroner.

14.I see you’re still waiting on that spine donor.

15.Somebody’s marriage must be on the skids! Somebody’s career must be going badly . . . besides mine.

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the beautiful young lady behind the counter (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.”

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. She looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. “Just a minute,” she said, walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

“Do these excite you?” she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. “Well, come on,” she said, “We don’t have much time.”

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and, KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. “Did you put that condom on?” she asked.

I said, “I sure did,” and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me. Women have always been hard for me to figure out!

During our last trip, we had done a particularly torturous route of 50 km on village road, before hitting the wonderful highway. So within moments, we were doing around 150 kph and still cursing the car to go faster and make up for the last stretch. Then IT happened. The front tire blew up, and took the fender panel out with it. In a breathtaking manoeuvre, we managed to stop the car without any accident. After a few oh shits and thank gods, we got to the damage assessment. We had the following situation at hand -

1 car with a blown tire, no right fender or indicator and hanging electrical wires.

1 fender without a car with broken unknown scraps instead of an inner panel.

4 ‘mechanical engineers‘ with a wtf look on their faces.

1 spare tyre, a jack, some duct tape, tools and bolts we didn’t know about.

We got to work. Well, they got to work and I watched. After they replaced the tyre, they started looking at me. No matter how much I hemmed and hawwed, they made me work on the fender with them. After a considerable amount of time, we ended up taking pics or smoking because the damn thing wouldn’t hold. And then, the genius hit me. India runs on jugaad. So can this car. I took the duct tape and taped the wires and the fender. True, I used up a big tape completely but the fender was in place, a true ta-da moment.

Well it ends on a happy note. We reached a mechanic soon who ripped us for the repair works but we had a satisfying dinner. We made it back without any further incidents and my conceited ego got inflated by another 100 PSI. I realized my superpower of jugaad and decided that this super hero could have his great powers without any responsibility.

Until the fateful day. We started sharing our office with another team. In a leisurely break when I asked them about the place, the topic of fashion start-ups came up. One of the guys then informed me that the jacket on the mannequin wasn’t always there…and the mannequin, as he put it, was anatomically correct to a perverted level. Then he added a sly knowing smile, and said to my partner – “kyun sahi bola na bhai?” (Am I right, bro?)

From the hemming and hawing that came as a response from my partner, it was clear he was standing on a quicksand and we were about to facilitate his drowning. With hyena like smiles on everyone’s face and my interest piqued, my poor partner was a gazelle trapped in midst.

As it turns out, my friend used to work till wee hours alone before I came and didn’t realize that a camera used to watch his activities with the mannequin in the corridor with interest. So did the guards and eventually, the entire NID campus, with much amusement…unless someone put a jacket on the subject of interest. Now I understood why anatomically correct to a “perverted” degree. How he gave up his habit is a mystery. Whether it was the end of his perversion, his finding out about the camera or someone eventually covering the mannequin with a jacket as a subtle hint, its anyone’s guess.

You cannot question a person for mistreating a mannequin; hence my partner escaped scot-free. But on the very next day of this conversation, the mannequin was removed. Hmm…do they have microphones in the office??

This hilarious article was written by an Expert from Baan, Netherlands who spent two years in Hyderabad.

Driving in India For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows:

Do we drive on the left or right of the road?
The answer is “both”. Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don’t drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don’t you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.

Don’t stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.

Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister’s motorcade, or waiting for the rainwaters to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty,
often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton’s laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often “mopped” off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don’t stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive, as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a “speed breaker”; two for each house.

This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Chenghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are the greater threat). Only, you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically.

This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and The citizen is then free to enjoy the ‘FREEDOM OF SPEED’ enshrined in our constitution.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

Dear God: This year, all I ask for is a big, fat bank account and a slim body. And please don’t mix them up like you did last year. Amen.

I guess people see what they want to see

“I braked as hard as I could, but I still hit the car in front of me. A gorgeous blonde got out and yelled, ‘Ram me up the a$$, why don’t you?’ And this, your honor, is where I believe all the confusion began.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards: at first, you only need two hearts and a diamond, but by the end, you sometimes wish you had a club and a spade!

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man….if only I knew A B C….)

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.
(sure…thanx for the warning!)

3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)

4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)

5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)

6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)

7. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
(uh…huh!)

8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey….who taught cows the bad habit??)

9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work!)

Source: Email forward from AAkriti

—
Once a police chief returned home late and had almost undressed to go to sleep when his wife asked him to get some medicine from the drugstore. He put on his dress again and went to the store. The strore-keeper while handing the drug asked “are you not the police chief?” He says – yes. “Then what are doing in the fire-chief’s uniform?” asked the store-keeper!!!

· Oracle, Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year old son:
“as I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me for two days..”
________________________________

· Another gem from CDAC. Leave letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding:
“as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave..”
________________________________

· From H.A.L, Administration Dept:
“As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”
________________________________

· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”
________________________________

· An incident of a illness:
“I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.”
________________________________

· A leave letter to the headmaster:
“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”
________________________________

· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
“As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.”
________________________________

· A covering note:
“I am enclosed herewith…”
________________________________

· Another one:
“Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below…”
________________________________

· Another actual letter written for application of leave:
“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave”.
________________________________

· Sample of letter writing:-
“I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.”

________________________________

· A candidate’s job application:
“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’…. As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post………..

email forward from Aakriti

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test last night and the results were positive. When she showed it to me, I asked, “Shall we keep it?” She replied, “What’s the point? You can only use them once!”

A Scottish grocer put a collection box on his counter with a small sign reading, “For the Blind.” Charitable customers put in their change. When the box was full, he used the money to buy a new window blind!

Q Frame a sentence with PINK, GREEN, and Yellow.
Lalu’s Answer: When the phone rings GREEN GREEN, Just PINK it up and say YELLOW.

4 stages of marriage
1. “Mad for each other”
2. “Made for each other”
3. “Mad at each other”
4. “Mad because of each other”
- courtesy SMS from Puja

College me ladkiyon ke kitne naam hote hai?
Answer: 4
1. Meri Wali
2. Tere Wali
3. Teri Bhabhi
4. Meri Bhabhi

“Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador,” said Paddy. “You must be fooking crazy!” said Mick. “Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

People say that there is no difference between finish and complete…. but if you marry the right person you are complete, else you are finished.

— Lyrics of Song from Joan Osbome . Watch the song on You Tube here

As uncanny and as thought provoking the song may be, imagine another thought provoking scenario-  Among all of us on this earth, YOU are given the privilege to be GOD?

Lucky You!! Or so it seems at the first instant. For however exciting the opportunity sounds, it comes with its set of unique dilemmas. For starters, there are so many Gods in this world, .so which God to be?  Without a doubt you deserve the best (after all , you are God). So why be any other God and why not be the best God?

So the dilemma now reshapes itself into – To find which God is the best? Your dilemma is made even more difficult when you realize that you cannot approach anyone for advice. After all, every person would claim that the God he/she follows is the best God.

After realizing that your Social Network will not be able to help you out on this one, you decide to try your hands at History only to discover that human history is tainted with the loss of countless lives in an attempt to put one God better than the other. But amidst all this bloodshed, History still fails to point toward a Supreme God among other Gods.

Keeping History books into history, you decide to research a modern text. Maybe modern analysis can solve your dilemma .You get hold of the book, If world were a Village. The book tells you that if on this earth there were only 100 people — 33 would be Christians, 18 Muslims, 14 Hindus, 16 Non Religious, 6 Buddhists and 13 followers of other religions.

Aha! This gives some pointers. Should you become the God which most people follow? But does this line of thought not imply that the lesser followed Gods are the lesser Gods? Doubtful of this hypothesis, you lunge into the field of Sales expecting to see some light. But alas, as you feared, Sales teaches you that there is no definite relationship pattern between the numbers of consumers of a product and the quality of that product. There are many other parameters which collectively affect the end users choice. So you realize that the parameter ‘Number of followers of a God ‘ is not a sufficient one to choose The God among Gods. (I told you at the start, it won’t be an easy problem solve)

Perplexed by your dilemma, you come up with an exhaustive solution – Study about each God that there is and then decide which God is the Numero Uno!. As comprehensive as  the idea sounds ,let me warn you  it is not a practical one. Just to give you the reason behind my apprehension , when you would reach Buddhism in your study, you will find the Buddha has 32 avatars. So you have to 32 avatars to understand the Buddha.  Oh! What do you say – 32 is not such a big number. You can study the 32 avatars. Okay, But thrn let me tell you about Hinduism, The total Gods in Hinduism is 330000. By the time you would complete the study of their life, your life would be completed.. Case closed!

You seem to be a bit lost now with all these approaches failing to give you an answer. Let me suggest you a compromise – Instead of choosing the best God , let us only decide to choose the best religion. It seems a more manageable prospect. It is also very closely related to the initial dilemma – after all , it was God only who gave religion to men and women ( Or was it  the other way round ? Let’s not dwell into it , we have work to do ).

And on top of other things, your decision would  also help the whole human race. The whole race has been fighting among themselves for ages  to prove their religion as supreme, May you can decide for them and settle the issue once and for all, And they are sure to agree with your decision ( after all  you are God 1 )So let us work together and try to list down the major teachings of the various religions of the world. Then we will try to categorize the teaching into some categories so that we can analyse them in detail.

So let’s get to work ………………………..

And there!!, we have the table ready below. Now all we need to do is analyse and pick out the best religion.

Yes, my friend, I am as shocked as you are — All the religions teach the exact same things via their respective Gods and via their own respective means ??!!
But why then have humans been fighting among themselves since time immemorial l to prove that their religion and their God is better than the religion and God of others? Apologies my friend, I have no idea how to answer this new dilemma. But I have a feeling that the day every human starts taking the trouble to ponder over this question, the world would be a better place. Do you share the same feeling my friend?

What if god was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the Pope maybe in Rome

Definition of a Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

The doctor finished examining the teenage girl and asked to speak to the mother privately. “I’m afraid your daughter has a venereal disease.” “Oh, dear,” said the mother. “Could she have caught it in a public restroom?” “Possibly,” said the doctor, “but it would have been highly uncomfortable!”

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

Living three years in Mumbai has helped me accumulate some  observations which can be of aid when it comes to Mumbai traffic.—

1 . While in Mumbai , one should always carry a hygrometer(a device which measures moisture content in the air around us) with him/her. The intensity of Mumbai Traffic is directly proportional to the moisture content in the air.
As absurd as it may sound, the claim for hygrometer is well supported with data –When there is moisture or worse a slight drizzle in the air, people drive a fraction slower than their usual speed just to be careful to avoid any slippery incidents (Indian roads are supportive of the idea of driving fast). This reduction in speed is cascaded to the traffic behind and eventually brings the traffic to a complete halt. Some fools worsen their speed and hence the traffic by getting all romantic while admiring  the clouds and the rains while driving.
In fact with time and experience, you can deduce from the hygrometer reading the amount of time that you have to be stuck standstill in the traffic. A reading of 60 % (slightly above normal moisture) means that you are to be standstill for 18 minutes. So why not leave the car amidst the traffic and grab a few eatables from the roadside shop? A reading about 80% gives you ample time to catch a good 40 minutes power nap in the car. Anything about 95% should be seen as an opportunity to catch a 2 hour movie in the nearby theatre.

2. Many inexperienced with Mumbai traffic rules make the fundamental mistake of thinking that a queue in Mumbai means standing one behind the other.In Mumbai , a queue means standing one besides the others  and if there is less space then the definition of queue is extended to mean pushing others away and then standing one beside the other.
You don’t want to me more late than you already are to reach home, do you? Then you need to adapt your concepts regarding the queue.

3. Regularly play carom , snooker or billiards .You should gain expertise on one of these games  before you hit the Mumbai roads with your vehicle. These games develop your idea of tricky angles and deviations. This knowledge is critical while driving – you never know when you may need to squeeze in between a few cars to move ahead. Or worse you may have to deflect yourself at an angle when some novice is trying the same squeeze with may end up in his somersault.

4.Always carry good quality ear plugs with you.  For even though the traffic is jammed for the next 5 kms ahead of you, the person just behind you is always convinced that he/she is stuck in this traffic only because of you and if somehow you get out of the way ,  he /she  would whizz to home in 5 seconds . Hence this person keep honking the horns of his/her car ceaselessly.After the few minutes , the ceaseless honking with be accompanies by ceaseless cursing and swearing. Without a nice pair of ear plugs, you will be distracted with all this noise while you are busy swearing at the person ahead of you.

Happy Driving !!!!

A is for Aiscreame (Vanilla, Chocolate, Butterscotch are favourites
with Punjabis).

B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt. It is an
instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or whatever.

C is for Cloney and its not a process for replicating sheep, nor is
its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g. ‘Defence
Cloney’.

D is for the proverbial ‘Dangar da Puttar’.

E is for Expanditure, the spending of money.

F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word it is
actually just the front of a building (with backside being the back, of
course).

G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any
F1 driver to shame. (If the Grand Prix does come to Delhi there’s no way
Hamilton, Alonso or Kimi can overtake Balvinder, Jasvinder or Sukhvinder’s
taxi.)

H is for ‘Ho Jayega Ji’, and the moment you hear that you have to be
careful because you can be reasonably sure it’s not going to happen.

I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P.

J is for Jutt, which every Punjabi seems to be.

K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses
(e.g.’Keeping up with the Khurana’s ji’)

L is for Loin, the king of the jungle!

M is for ‘Mrooti’, the car that an entire generation of Punjabis
were in love with.

N is for ‘No Problem Ji.’ To find out how that works see H.

O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!),
anger (OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy…).

P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or far (100 km) a
Punjabi is from you he always says he’ll reach you in punj
mint (5 minutes…).

Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslateable into Punjabi.

R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one (risk),
even if the odds are against him.

S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own half the
cars in Delhi. (The other half by their Pappas – like ‘Sweetie de Pappa di
Gaddi’).

T is for the official bird of Punjab: ‘Tandoori Chickun’

U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become ‘Uncul-ji’

V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 15 lakh and counting.

W is for Whan, as in ‘Whan are you coming, ji?’

X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi
conversations.

Y is for ‘You nonsanse’, when anger replaces vocabulary in a
shouting match.

Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to the

Courtsey: Mail forward from Puja
fullest.

A saint once told me that – “Son, none of us are alone! All of us have Cosmic Energy Waves around us which surround us at each and every moment of our existence”. I don’t know about cosmic waves , but one thing that I know of is that – I am surrounded by stupid commercials around me at each and every moment of my existence. Hoardings, TV, Radios, SMS,Internet, Sales call – they are everywhere.
And so deeply have these ads affected me , that nowadays , I cannot even dream without commercial breaks in between.
Spending a lot of time analyzing these commercials , I have discovered that their behavior is not as stupid and random as it seems , albeit it is governed by well defined laws.

So ladies and gentlemen, let me present before you the Three Laws of Commercials.

Law number I
For our protection first there is God, second there is …….Pepsodent and Dettol

You don’t believe me ? Let me explain.
Just have a look at the Pepsodent Commercial–24 hour security, 24 hour defense, dishum dishum and what not! You are forced to wonder how humans survived all those prehistoric ages without the protection of Pepsodent.”

Now onto to Dettol -Unfortunately, I came to know about the powers of dettol quite late in my childhood.
You see, when I was a little boy , I used to fall sick before every school exam and my teacher used to scold me , ”You dumb head .You stupid boy. Exams make you fret so much that you fall sick.”
Well…., Medical Science was not so advanced in my childhood days. Little did my teacher know that the cause of sickness was not my dumbness but the fact that I do not take bathe in Dettol Soap.

Leaving my sad childhood behind, let me move on to the next law.

Law number II Where ever you go, our network follows

As I already mentioned, these ads will never leave you.
On weekdays, my primary activities in office consist of answering emails, typing some code and convincing sales guys on my cell phone that I am in no need of pre approved car and home loans.
Imagine, after 5 days of such hard work you are enjoying a deserving, peaceful Saturday afternoon sleep and as you are about to fall into deep slumber ,it at this precise moment that your mobile gives an SMS blast. Sleepy and tired, you somehow reach out to your mobile –– Whoosh – “SMS on 54545 to know your Class X th result.”Tell me , why the hell would I want to know my 10th board result at this age ??!!!!
Actually if I reflect upon my marks, I probably did not want to know about them even at that time.

I mentioned about this SMS problem to my friend Sanjeev, and he is like –“What’s the big problem, dude ? Keep your mobile on silent mode while sleeping! ”.
Life …my friends, alas, is not so simple. You see, Sanjeev does not have a girlfriend .But I have. And she calls me every 5 minutes questioning me , “Where are you , what are you doing ? What are you not doing ? What took you 20sec to receive the call ?”

Phewwww…

Believe me my friends , the only thing more dangerous in this world than a GPS tracking enabled girlfriend is the Internet Pop UP ads . The Devil could not be everywhere – so he made them. These Internet pop ups have a tendency to pop up at the wrong place, at the wrong time and with the wrong content. (Boys would know all about it : ) )
For instance ,when I surf the net and no one is around , the pop-up will always try to find the perfect bride for me. It has been trying the same for the past 5 years. But when I surf the net and my father is around, the ‘Matrimonial Pop Up’ is always replaced by the ‘Get Blind Date with Hot Mumbai Girls PopUp’.
One of two more of these Pop Up incidents ,and I am sure to thrown out of the house by my father.

Anyways , popping on to
Law Number III – Impossible is Nothing.

Impossible is nothing for the ad makers. For them, the sun rises in the west. You have no idea what they will end up teaching you in their ads.
Let me give you an example,

Remember the surf excel ad ?
A young chap comes up in a cap and says “Stains are good ?”.
Young chap, you say stains are good!! . Obviously you have not met my mother!

HDFC Child investment plan
Remember , 4 year old, giving investment advice to parents ? “Papa grow up I want to be an astronaut. So do some investment” I wish I was so intelligent as a 5 year old. My family would have been so rich, and, I would have been an astronaut. Better to be on Mars than in this Mumbai traffic. Any day .

One more instance -
Radios are at another level. Before following cricket commentary on radio I used to believe that Sachin Tendulkar is the best batsman that India has. But now after following cricket on radio , I have realized that it is actually BSNL. Sachin only takes 1s and 2s , it is BSNL who hits all the 4′s and 6 ‘s.
”Aur ek laga ek aur BSNL Chauka ”

Those were the three laws, ladies and gentlemen.

I have figured out the laws that govern these commercials but I am yet to figure out how to escape these commercials. It does not seem like happening during my lifetime, In fact, I fear that even after death when I ask the Almighty upstairs -”God , am I going to get heaven or hell. What are my chances.? “ The Almighty would just stand there eating a Britannia biscuit and smile “Son , its 50/50”

This expression is very close to the heart of those phrase – throwers who apart from shooting phrases have another nagging habit – Morning Walk. These early risers are under the impression that just because they get up at 4 AM , mother nature has nothing better to do than unravel all its secret to them. Anything which they see or observer is Mother Nature’s message to them and it is their utter responsibility to capture that event in a quizzical English phrase. For instance, they would see a bird chewing a worm in the morning and conclude – The early bird gets the worm .
I want to question my early riser Friend – “My dear , early riser , Have you ever taken an afternoon walk – I have taken –you see, I get up late and I am not ashamed of it and I can swear to Dear Lord that at even 12 in the noon; when the sun is at the highest point above our head , I have seen birds catching and eating worms with considerable ease.”

Another favourite of these early risers – ‘it’s a small world out there’.
Of course my friend, the world would seem small to you when you keep meeting the same 3 people every day at 4AM .After all, not many are as crazy as you to get up at 4AM for a casual stroll. And of course, when all you do is walk the same 400 meters everyday with no one around – your world is bound to be a small one . By the way, just for the records, the world seems fairly large to me when I am stuck in traffic daily for 4 hours while commuting between office and home.

2.My second complaint is called – A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

This complaint is against those phrase- throwers who are under the false impression that they know all. They pass phrases that provide incorrect advice. And the ’Not so know it all ‘ people like me tend to believe them and get into trouble. Let me share a few phrases which these Shakespeare kins have blessed me with.
The worst phrase I have ever got is – “If you love someone set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours. Else they never were”. I heard this and said – “Very well – seems good “. So I did all the preparations and proposed to seven girls, one on each day of the week and came back. I said to me – “What’s the harm? As per the phrase, if none of them love me, then the worse that can happen is that none of them will come back.” Well , not only did all of them come back , all of them came back at the same time with their boyfriends and while I was lying in the hospital bed with all the Get Well Soon flowers around me, life certainly did not feel like a bed of roses.

Another piece of gem from these saviours of Queens English – ‘It is a blessing in disguise ‘ . I don’t want to get into the details but I can assure you from my experience – that it not important to be in disguise when you are blessing someone; but on the contrary, disguise is important when you are cursing someone. And the bigger the person you’re planning to curse – the better your disguise needs to be.

3.Last but not the least, My third complaint is called – We cannot spell success without “U”.

This complaint is dedicated to those phrase – throwers, who just for the sake of acting smart, play around with alphabets and numbers in their conversations.Again, let me give you a few enriching examples. But before we proceed, I want to inform the phrase throwers of one more interesting fact which they seem to have missed – “Without U , we cannot spell “Stupid “ also.”
An apple a day keeps a doctor away. This phrase itself brings tears to my eyes and fills me with anger. You see, as a child I hated my family doctor because his only ambition in life seemed to be to give me more and more vaccination injections. He wanted to protect me against the diseases which existed and against the diseases which may come into existence in the near or far future. Boy, did he believe in “Prevention is better than cure “.
Naturally .a s a child ,I hated doctors. So when I heard – An apple a day keeps a doctor away; I was overjoyed. And as a child I used to be quite intelligent also (I still am). So I quickly calculated – “Eating an apple every 8 hours will keep 3 doctors away”.
Today, I suffer from Haemochromatosis – excessive iron content in the blood. And I have to visit the doctor every second day. All thank to the English phrases and the damned phrase-throwers.

In the end , I know I cannot expect the barrage of these phrase-throwers to scale down , but to all of you out there waiting to bombard your pearls of Queen’s English ,before you open your guns , I would like to remind you of one more old is gold phrase – ‘Silence is Golden’

Well things were somehow not so simple when I tried it.
I certainly put the non-stick pan correctly on the gas and I certainly turned on the gas .(important step else how will the food cook – I thought it myself , it was not even mentioned in the recipe book ! ).
Then I took an egg , hit it with a spoon so that it cracks and dropped the inner contents of the egg on the frying pan. Within 30 seconds I learned , the non- stick pan is a misnomer as my egg got stuck on the pan’s surface badly, I somehow scraped it off from the pan and placed it in the only place it was worth placing – the dustbin.
After much extensive research on the internet , I discovered that even in non-stick pan one has to put some oil on the pan’s surface to avoid sticky incidents.I started wondering if the ‘non stick pan‘ should actually be called ‘nonstick only after using oil pan‘ , but decided to think over it on a later date and came back to give another attempt to the egg half fry.
On coming back to the cooking area , I realized that  I  had forgotten to turn off the gas.But that’s not such a big deal , is it ? I took back the misnomer non stick pan , put it on the gas , put some oil on it , let it heat up a but and cracked an egg on it again.Much to my disappointment , as the egg touched the pan , the inner yellow portion(yolk) of the egg burst open and spill all over the pan.My initial impression was that it must have been an egg of a chicken with weak inner strength and feeble character.But then I though – Chickens cannot be humans , hence there must be some other reason.
And then it stuck me – it the same thing which has been the cause of all those injuries to me during my childhood – Newton’s acceleration-due to gravity  g . I realized that I must not drop the egg from a very high height else it will fall down with a faster speed due to gravity and hence spill open on impact with pan. Now the next confusion was what is the ‘break point height limit’ of each egg. They should mark it on each of the eggs else how will one know after which height the egg will break. But I thought , that it expecting too much from technology.Maybe, after a decade or so it would be mandatory to sell eggs with break point height linit marked on them. I realized , I  was going ahead of my time so I broke the chain of thoughts and came back with a fresh egg.
Now this time , I did everything right -  pan , oil , heat , correct height , but for some reason I got another unexpected output.The yellow(yolk) which is supposed to be in the center (refer the pic) with the white albumen  surrounding it was actually present on the edge of the white albumen. It seems as if the it wanted to leave the white bed and venture the world on it ‘s own. I know what you are thinking – the egg has the characteristics of traveling , it must belong to a migratory bird.
But alas , my friend – in this world there are no simple explanations.It turns out the culprit was center of mass , trigonometry and of course gravity. See,at the time of cracking the egg, if the egg is not parallel to the surface of the pan , then all the inner contents of the egg will slide to one side of the egg and the force of gravity (mg) will split into mgcos@ ans mgsin@ (will always was a bad thing while solving physics problems in school), which will cause your yellow yolk liquid (which is heavier compared to the white albumin liquid) to fall away from the exact vertical point below on the pan.The white albumen liquid , on the other hand , which has lesser weight and lesser self – ego  will not be bothered by this inline ans still fall in the center.The end result will be a displaced yolk in the half fry.
It took me 3 eggs to experiment with and confirm my research. It would have also calculated the angle @ which causes the yolk to fall out of the white portion completely of the half fry – it would have been a breakthrough discovery (just like the calculation of escape velocity – the minimum  velocity which is required by satellites to launch them successfully in the earth’s orbit ) but I was running out of eggs , hence I had to put my enlightening research on hold.
Now all excited – with pan , oil , heat up of pan , correct height , no incline – I cracked the egg and VOILA  (or maybe WAKA   – the phrase of the moment – thanks to FIFA and Shakira ) -I got a perfect half fry egg.
I gobbled it up after adding salt to it and rushed to write this blog to tell everyone about it.
After the successful half fry and this blog , I feel so satisfied with my efforts – now there is no chance of anything going wrong – or is it ? Damn , the gas is still on …………….

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

Send this to the women who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle it!

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, THE HUSBAND TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT HIS WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, “Darling, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000..00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I’M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU’RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.”

HIS WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD HIM TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT HE WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN’T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS

During my work experience as an engineer, I had to frequently negotiate with Korean suppliers. They couldn’t pronounce my name so whenever they came to my section, they would ask anyone with a sweeping gesture over their lips and chin to indicate me. It later became a standard joke in the department to use that gesture for me.

I was once having a flaming-tequila shot with a friend in a pub. The bartender gave me my shot and said – “Bhai sahib, araam se warna dadhi jal jayegi.”(Go easy or your beard might catch fire). It was some time before my friends could stop laughing.

The latest one was from a restaurateur who saw me after at least two and a half years. I used to haunt his joint often in the earlier days, but I wasn’t sure he would recognize me after such a gap. When I walked up to him and asked if he remembered me, he grinned, shook my hand and said -“Amitabh ki dadhi wale khud ko Amitabh samajte hai, par hum to asliyat jaante hai na.”(People sporting Amitabh’s beard might think they are Amitabh, but I know the real person behind it). Old friends remembering you…it feels nice, it always does.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?”

“Yes”, he replied reluctantly.

She answered, “We’ll, today I didn’t do it!!”

The irony…? Well, the doctor found me unfit to donate blood while Ankur ended up doing so, and getting an appreciation certificate and some chocolates in the process. Needless to say, I gobbled up the goodies. The second humorous thing about the incident was Ankur’s horror stricken face and comments throughout the bleeding process…
“I feel funny (gasp)…am sick.”
“My hands are going cold (sob).”
“Why are you having the chocolates?”
“I don’t think my blood will clot.”

Decided to end the day with scotch to smooth things over…

A programmer compiled an array of reasons as to why he can’t find a girlfriend with a good on her, reason 0 being that he has limited cache. So he searched his memory to recall connecting to the TCP/IP tunnel of his last girlfriend — sometimes even without a secure socket. She used to complain about his lack of comments. He fumed, “I hate commenting!” Realizing it was a program requirement, he told her she had nice bits. This resulted in a Syntax Error. Now she demanded a massage, but this was rejected as “Feature Creep.” He smacked her back end and shouted, “Who’s your parent node?!” He scanned for open ports. He attempted to install a backdoor worm, but her response was 403. While his data uploaded into her input device, she considered terminating the process. But instead, she initiated a Do While loop where she recalled a previous boyfriend with a larger pointer. To expedite the routine, she screamed, “Hack into my system! Hack deep into my system! You’re 1337, baby!” This caused his stack to overflow and he shot his GUI on her interface.

My problem is that now whenever I am going through a security check the security guard will not only rub his hands all over my body but now he has an extra reason to frisk my crotch too. The authorities claim to be perfectly normal and routine, yet the person ahead of me is rarely subjected to same level of molestation.

A year ago PVR had ensured that all the patrons were hand frisked by security guards before entering the show of Dostana. (a bollywood movie about a gay couple) Considering that every one of customer to the theatre had passed the security check at the entrance of the mall, I am wondering if this measure was to satisfy one of the CEO’s private fantasies.

During my stay in France, my European friends always used to wonder why I was so reluctant in sharing my residence address with the authorities or carrying any identity papers. Now if I start inquiring them about the security screening at the venue every time we make any plans for an outing, am I going to send out a wrong message? Guys help me! How can I enjoy a normal social life and yet keep another man’s hand off my crotch?

Ref: Film story submitted by you, regarding financing of films by
Government of India, Your letter dt. ………… ……… .

The undersigned is directed to refer the above letter and state that
the Government has examined your proposal for financing a film called
”Mahabharat’. The Very High Level Committee constituted for this
purpose has been in consultation with the Human Rights Commission,
National Commission for Women and Labour Commission, in addition to
various Ministries and State Governments and have formed definitive
opinions about the script. Their observations are as below:

1. In the script submitted by you it is shown that there were two sets of cousins, namely, the Kauravas, numbering one hundred, and the Pandavas, numbering five. The Ministry of Health and Family Welfare has pointed out that these numbers are high, well above the norm prescribed for families by them. It is brought to your kind attention that when the Government is spending huge amounts for promoting family planning, this will send wrong signals to the public. Therefore, it is recommended that there may be only three Kauravas and one Pandava.

2. The Ministry of Parliamentary Affairs has raised an issue whether it is suitable to depict kings and emperors in this democratic age. Therefore, it is suggested that the Kauravas may be depicted as Honourable Members of Parliament (Lok Sabha) and the Pandava may be depicted as Honourable Member of Parliament (Rajya Sabha). The ending of the film shows the victory of the said Pandavas over the said Kauravas. The ending may be suitably modified so that neither of the Honourable Members of Parliament are shown as being inferior to the
other.

3. The Ministry of Science and Technology has observed that the manner of birth of Kauravas is suggestive of human cloning, a technology banned in India. This may be changed to normal birth.

4. The National Commission for Women has objected that the father of Pandavas, one Sri Pandu, is depicted as bigamous, and also there is only one wife for the Pandavas in common. Therefore suitable changes may be made in the said script so that the said Sri Pandu is not depicted as bigamous. However, with the reduction in number of Pandavas as suggested above, the issue of polyandry can be addressed without further trouble.

5. The Commission for the Physically Challenged has observed that the portrayal of the visually impaired character ‘Dhritharastra’ is derogatory.. Therefore the said character may not be shown as visually impaired.

6. The Department of Women and Child Development have highlighted that the public disrobing of one female character called ‘Draupadi’ is objectionable and derogatory to women in general. Further the Home Ministry anticipates that depiction of such scenes may create law and order problem and at the same time invite strong protests from the different women forums. Such scenes may also invite penal action under SITA (Suppression of Immoral Traffic Act), therefore they may be avoided and deleted from the film.

7. It is felt that showing the Pandava and the Kauravas as gamblers will be anti-social and counter productive as it might encourage gambling. Therefore, the said Pandava and Kauravas may be shown to have engaged in horse racing. (Hon. Supreme Court has held horse racing not to be gambling)

8. The Pandavas are shown as working in the King Virat’s employment without receiving any salary. According to the Human Rights Commission, this amounts to bonded labour and may attract provisions of The Bonded Labour System (Abolition) Act, 1976. This may be corrected at once.

9. In the ensuing war, one character by name Sri Abhimanyu has been shown as fighting. The National Labour Commission has observed that, war being a hazardous industry, and the said character being 16 years old, this depiction will be construed as a case of child labour. Also there is no record of his being paid any compensation. This may also be deemed to be violatory of the provisions of The Child Labour (Prohibition and Regulation) Act, 1986 and Minimum Wages Act, 1948. Such references in the film may be removed.

10. The character ‘Sri Krishna’ has been depicted as wearing a peacock feather. The peacock is our National Bird and wearing dresses made from peacock feather is an offence under the Wild Life Protection Act, 1972. This may not be depicted

11. Smt Maneka Gandhi has raised very serious objection for using any elephants or horses in war scenes, since there is every scope for mistreatment and injury to the said animals. The provisions of the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Act, 1890 and Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (Amendment) Act, 1960 would be applicable in the instant case. Suitable changes may be made in the script to address the objections raised.

12. In pursuance of the Memorandum of Ministry of Finance regarding austerity measures, it is informed that in the battle field sequences, only ten soldiers may be allowed for each side. Also, all the characters may be shown to have obtained a valid licence under the Arms Act, 1959 as well as the Indian Arms Act, 1878.

You are therefore requested to modify the script along the lines indicated above and resubmit it to the undersigned at the earliest for reconsideration.

Sd/- Under Secretary

Forwarded by Rajesh

Teacher: Translate – Bazaar mein goliyan chal rahi hain. (A gunfight is happening in the market)
Santa: The Tablets are walking in the market.

Interviewer: What is skeleton?
Santa: Skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!

Driver: Sir ji, petrol khatam ho gaya , gaadi aage nahi ja sakti.
Banta:-Chalo Phir, wapis le chalo.

Santa: Wo dekh teri biwi ko saanp kaat raha hai.
Banta: Are tension mat le, saap Jeher bharwane aya hoga…

Banta: Kal Muje 10 logo ne Peeta.
Santa: Phir tune kya kiya?
Banta: Maine kaha salon ek-ek karke aao.
Santa: Phir?
Banta: Phir kya, Salon ne ek-ek karke dubara Peeta !

Pappu: Ajj madam ne 1 swaal puchhya jisda jawab sirf mainu hi pata si.
Santa: Mera biba beta, ki swaal si?
Pappu: Swaal si k blackboard kol susu kine kita hai?

I’m not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson’s No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

God: An invisible friend for adults
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend

You shouldn’t say anything mean about people who can’t read. You should write it instead.

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

He didn’t know if it was a gun in her pocket or she was just pleased to see him, but neither option looked good.

Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer

Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, whern you insult him, you’ll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

I still miss my ex-girlfriend… but my aim is improving

coffee just isn’t my cup of tea

Duct tape is like ‘the force, it has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together

Cancel my subscription caused I’m over your issues!

It appears the location of my fist and your head are not mutually exclusive! It is a probability miracle!

I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.

Faith may move mountains but it was the whip that built the pyramids.

I used to think I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure.

You can’t have “manslaughter” without “laughter”

NEW BRIDGE HELD UP BY RED TAPE

If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘OK old fart, time for you to retire.’

The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me, can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’

The young rooster says ‘Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.’

The old rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’

The young rooster laughs. ‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.’

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking and running as fast as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and – BOOM – He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, ‘Dammit…..third gay rooster I bought this month.’

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass…and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ‘You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.’Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
“You were born a deer, you were raised a deer, but now you a catfish.”

Baniya on his death time.
My wife, where r u ?
Wife:Yes, I’m here
My sons daughters ru all here?
Yes, Papa
Baniya:To phir brabar wale kamre
ka pankha Q khula hay ??? :D:D

Baniya 14th floor se neche gira
Girte waqt usne
apni ghar ki khirki me
apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha
to chilla k bola
MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!

Baniya ne sheikh ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.
Sheikh ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.
Sheikh ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,
Baniya ne phir khoon dia.
Ab k bar Sheikh ne till waly laddu gift kiye,
Baniya:Ghusse se, mercedez kion nahi di?
Sheikh:Munna…!! Ab hamarey ander bhi baniye ka khoon dor raha hay:)

Baniya called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai, kya charges hongay?
NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.
Baniya: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho “Chacha Guzar Gaye”.
Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!
Baniya: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do….. Acha likho……. ……… .
Chacha Guzar Gaye – Maruti for Sale .

Baniya ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?
Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.
Baniya ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:
Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.

Baniya ko bhoot charh gaya ,
3 din baad bhoot khud ek ojha k paas gaya aur bola,
Ojha sahab mujhe bahar Nikalo..! Warna me to bhookha hi mar jaon ga

Titanic K Sath Baniya Bhi Doob Raha Tha
Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
Baniya: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda

- Forwarded by Laxmi

Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, “You kids are a lot of fun. I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the man tells the kids, “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.

A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. “Look,” he says, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?”

“A freakin’ quarter?” the drum leader exclaims. “If you think we’re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts. We quit.”
source

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in US since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early
Workers). A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as
Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEd can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention
of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

— Forwarded by Augustin

Before becoming an engineering student, my birthday was my most important day. But since then, it has always been to the fellows close to my hostel room. Ya, you guessed it. Its bumps time! Also known as GPL, this is the most happening part of anyone’s birthday. Let me give you a small description of what happens in this auspicious ceremony.

The birthday boy (read: victim), starts perspiring and praying fervently that his friends forget his birthday a couple of hours before the clock strikes midnight. People have reportedly gone so far as to change their birth dates from orkut a week before. As the zero hour approaches, his friends, colleagues and basically any frustrated guy living nearby (read: killer-sharks) join together and pull the victim out of his hiding. Then they proceed to lift him in the air and start delivering the following on his rear in a dedicated and purposeful manner:

1.       Kicks

2.       Wet slippers

3.       Knees!

4.       Belts!!!

This ceremony usually continues till the victim cries, the sharks feel they have had enough (this one is theoretical, they never seem to have enough) or someone in his senses decides to take a stand. This may be followed by cakes and a round of drinks. The funny part is: however the victim feels wronged and reviled about this, he eagerly joins the sharks when it’s his neighbours’ turn.

The logic? It is basically taking out all your pent up emotions of how you feel wronged by the prof who didn’t give you marks for what you didn’t study, anger for not being given a good place in a queue despite your mother telling you how special you are, etc etc. So you take your frustration out on me, and I will repay in kind by making you my punching (kicking) bag. Nice emotional release system, eh?

Time up, gotta go and kick some ass…

However as this guy rightly points out, there are a few barriers to speaking in Hindi as well.

Hindi and Me

So next time feel a bit for those guys who only learn Hindi in school.

—
A woman told her husband, “I finally got rid of those headaches that have killed me all these years. I saw a hypnotist today and he told me to stand before a mirror and repeat to myself, ‘I do not have a headache’ three times. It worked! My headache is gone.”
Her husband replied, “That’s wonderful. Maybe he could help my libido.” The next day he went to the hypnotist. When he got home, he ripped off his clothes, picked up his wife, carried her to their bedroom, put her on the bed, and said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.”
He spent a few minutes in the bathroom, returned, and made passionate love like he hadn’t in years!
His wife said, “That was wonderful! Want to go again?”
He said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back” and headed to the bathroom. Curious, this time she followed him. She found him standing before the mirror saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife! She’s…”

—–
BTW Dilbert has given an accurate reason why we most IITians work in a cube farm.

*You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

*You have more wives than teeth.

*You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon ‘unclean.’

*You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

*You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.

*You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

*You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

*You’ve often uttered the phrase, ‘I love what you’ve done with your cave.’

*You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

*You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

*You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer but it’s a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the arc, professionals build the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and Diapers have one thing in common.
They both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.

There will always be death and taxes, however death doesn’t get worse every year.

Dijon Vu – the same mustard as before.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

If you always hit the bulls eye every time, then your target is too near.

Practice safe eating, always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

If marriage is outlawed then only outlaws will have inlaws.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

It’s frustrating to know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you any questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at a really tempting moment.

Lastly:
You don’t stop laughing because you grew old. You grew old because you stopped laughing.