01.I’m not chicken. I’m just really hesitant.

02.I’m sorry, Niles, I was afraid you might be trying to get a picture of my butt!

03.How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!

04.You’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger snob in the entire room!

05.I’m not bored, I was simply wondering how long we’ve been sitting here enjoying ourselves.

06.You’re not a child anymore. Now come with me to the bathroom.

07.There’s an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem.

08.I took my poor battered heart and offered it to Lilith….who put it in her little food processor and hit the puree button.

09.She’s obviously a little touchy about her age, but it’s not like this is the first time she’s turned forty.

10.I am so tired of your exaggeration! You always make things 50,000 times worse than they are!

11.There are worse things than seeing your career go down the toilet. I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes.

12.Oh, I’m sorry. Was I snippy? I didn’t realize that it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

13.And while I agree that washing his hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive-compulsive behavior, bear in mind that your husband is a coroner.

14.I see you’re still waiting on that spine donor.

15.Somebody’s marriage must be on the skids! Somebody’s career must be going badly . . . besides mine.

All this makes me wonder what is the definition of good food

2. Your job won’t take care of you when you are ill, but your family and friends will.
Stay in touch.

3. No one is incharge of your hapiness but you.

4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. The best is yet to come.

Don’t harass the downtrodden
Because their curses are very potent
Just as the dead cow’s hide of the bellows
Makes the iron melt.

’Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite The sounding furrows;
for my purpose holds To sail beyond the sunset,
and the baths Of all the western stars until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

“…The diamond is precious from its scarcity, and, for the same reason, a new thought is beyond all price.
On rare occasions some commanding genius astonishes the world by a new joke ; but this is an event,-the event of the year in which the grand thing is uttered…”

Guys ENagar seems to be running low on jokes… so please put on ur thinking caps, and share your giggles with us

If you want unconditional love, get a daughter or a dog.

Since I have none, I would be curious to know What are your views on the statement?

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. (Hemant Joshi)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. (Dumas)

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? (Sigmund Freud)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous)

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” (Henny Youngman)

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” (Sam Kinison)

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.” (Patrick Murray)

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up. (Nash)

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once… (Anonymous)

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. (Anonymous)

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

–Dennis Ritchie

Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable.

–Ralph Johnson

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

–Fred Brooks

Theory is when you know something, but it doesn’t work. Practice is when something works, but you don’t know why it works. Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don’t know why.

It’s hard enough to find an error in your code when you’re looking for it; it’s even harder when you’ve assumed your code is error-free.

-Steve McConnell Code Complete

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

-Gerald Weinberg

The Six Phases of a Project:

Enthusiasm

Disillusionment

Panic

Search for the Guilty

Punishment of the Innocent

Praise for non-participants

Good code is its own best documentation. As you’re about to add a comment, ask yourself, ‘How can I improve the code so that this comment isn’t needed?’
Improve the code and then document it to make it even clearer.

–Steve McConnell Code Complete

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

–Bertrand Russell

No matter how slick (efficient) the demo is in rehearsal, when you do it in front of a live audience the probability of a flawless presentation is inversely proportional to the number of people watching, raised to the power of the amount of money involved.

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

–Robert Firth

Fifty years of programming language research and we end up with C++?

–Richard A. O’Keefe

C programmers never die. They are just cast into void.

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

–Edsger Dijkstra

You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic, but you cannot have both at the same time.

–(Bertrand Meyer)

(Thoughtful…)

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.

–Alan J. Perlis

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.

–Bill Gates

The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 10% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.

–Tom Cargill

Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning.

–Anon

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn’t as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.

–Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

I did say something along the lines of “C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows your whole leg off.”

–Bjarne Stroustrup

It has been said that the great scientific disciplines are examples of giants standing on the shoulders of other giants. It has also been said that the software industry is an example of midgets standing on the toes of other midgets.

–Alan Cooper About Face

Computers are dumb and yet they give you answers.

–Pablo Picasso

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

–attributed to Norm Schryer

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

–Will Rogers

Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer .

–Fred Brooks, Jr.

As we said in the preface to the first edition, C “wears well as one’s experience with it grows.” With a decade more experience, we still feel that way.

–Brian Kernighan and Dennis Ritchie

Simplicity is prerequisite for reliability

–Edsger W.Dijkstra

I’ve finally learned what “upward compatible” means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.

–Dennie van Tassel

Rules of Optimization:

Rule 1: Don’t do it.

Rule 2 (for experts only): Don’t do it yet.

–M.A. Jackson

Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.

–Alan Kay

Every program has (at least) two purposes:
the one for which it was written,
and another for which it wasn’t.

–Alan J. Perlis

Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.

–Putt’s Law

Copy and paste is a design error

–David Parnas

Any code of your own that you haven’t looked at for six or more months might as well have been written by someone else.

–Eagleson’s law

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.”
- Spike Milligan. -

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie -

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!
- Golda Meir -

I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.
- Monica Piper -

I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. I knew he was a chess champion because it took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
- Eric Sykes -

I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
- Jimmy Carter -

A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’
The doctor says, ‘It’s because of old age’
The woman says, ‘Doctor, I want a second opinion.’
The doctor says: ‘Sure – you’re ugly too’
- Tommy Cooper -

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I
have been searching for evidence which could support this.
- Bertrand Russell -

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some
men should be happier than others.
- Oscar Wilde -

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
‘When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you’re 42-42-42.
There’s more of you, but you are not worth as much.’
- Lord Barnett -

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
- Gracie Allen -

Statutory Warning : agar tune mere liye ladki dekhe bager shaadi ki to teri bivi ko hi line maarunga!!

Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren’t distracted by the total lack of content in your writing.
– Randy K. Milholland

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
– Stephen Leacock

Books have the same enemies as people:
fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content.
– Paul Valery

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
– Bernard Bailey

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing
- Edmund Burke

This is the reformed version of the famous “3 monkey’s of Gandhi”
See No Evil
Hear no Evil
and Say no Evil.

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.
- Henry Ford
—
In Heaven all the interesting people are missing.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
—
“Sometimes what’s right isn’t as important as what’s profitable.”
– Trey Parker and Matt Stone

That is the difference between me and the rest of the world… Happiness is not enough for me..I demand EUPHORIA.
+++
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

Life is not no much a matter of position as of disposition.

The best vitamin for making friends, B-1.

If you don’t care where you’re going any road will get you there.

A pint of example is worth a gallon of advice.

Nobody raises his own reputation by lowering others.

A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

Ideas won’t work unless you do.

“The future is purchased by the present.”

One thing you can’t recycle is wasted time.

A hard thing about business is minding your own.

He who forgives ends the quarrel.

Children need more models than critics.

Frogs have it easy, They can eat what bugs them.

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime.

If the going gets easy you may be going downhill.

Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.

The best labor saving device is doing it tomorrow.

A turtle makes progress when it sticks its neck out.

Failure is the path of least persistence.

Have a backbone not a wishbone.

If you want your dreams to come true, don’t oversleep.

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.

Henry Ford

Ambrose Bierce
———
The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.
– Flip Wilson

++++

“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn’t mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
- Edward R. Murrow
+++++

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Will Rogers

*****

If you aim at the moon, you will hit the stars

******

I have miles to go before I rest

- Jawahar Lal Nehru

******

There is always room at the top.

*****

So long as governments set the example of killing their enemies, private citizens will occasionally kill theirs.
Elbert Hubbard

*****

“An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides.”
- John H. Patterson

****

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.

Elbert Hubbard

*******

“Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble.”
- Samuel Johnson

Ø Join the army, see the world, meet interesting
people, and kill them.

Ø Until I was 13, I thought my name was ‘Shut
Up.’

Ø I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be
there when it happens.

Ø Always and never are two words you should
always remember never to use.

Ø I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been
over served.

Ø The road to success is always under
construction.

Ø I say no to drugs — they just don’t listen!

Ø Marriage is one of the chief causes of
divorce.

Ø Work is fine if it doesn’t take up too much of
your time.

Ø When everything’s coming your way, you’re in
the wrong lane.

Ø Born free; Taxed to death.

Ø Everyone has a photographic memory; some
people just don’t have film.

Ø Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Ø Smile — it makes people wonder what you’re up
to.

Ø I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is
the paperwork.

Ø A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,
the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Ø The hardest part of skating is the ice.

Ø The guy who invented the first wheel was an
idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was
the genius.

Ø The trouble with being punc tual is that
there’s no one there to appreciate it.

Ø If our constitution allows us free speech, why
are there phone bills?

Ø If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars
in the universe, he’ll believe you. But if you tell
him a park bench has just been painted, he has to
touch it to be sure.

Ø Beat the 5 O’clock rush: leave work at noon!

Ø If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Ø It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the
sudden stop at the end.

Ø I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder.

Ø Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino’s
Law of Burnt Fingers)

Ø Someday is not a day of the week

-Courtsey
Priyamvada Agrawal

Four most: “Whose BRA is this!”

Every civilized man stops at the Red Light

- Sachin Godbole

the graveyards are full of people who rushed in bravely but unwisely.
************

Faith is the antithesis of proof.
************
Faith is a euphemism for prejudice and religion is a euphemism for superstition.

********

There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

This is as bad as it can get…but don’t bet on it.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

If you can smile when things go wrong,
you have someone in mind to blame.

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

Plagiarism saves time.

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos…
then you probably haven’t completely understood
the seriousness of the situation.