My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol pump.
And then the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked my wife, ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’ She sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ I said to my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started.

My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to me,
‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started.

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Kingfisher for 500 rs.
Instead, she bought a jar of Olay cream for 700 rs.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cream..
And then the fight started..

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
“Somewhere iv not been in a long time. So I took her to the kitchen.
And then the fight started…

Since we have been correcting history/political science text books to suit various ethnic, social and political needs, there is one correction that needs to be made. History books tell us that Nehru, a leader of the Congress “fought” for independence. But there is no information on what dates and which places he did so – and what “fighting” he really did. Making provocative speeches (which every two-bit neta does today) and sending long memorandums to the Viceroy do not count. Could the text books please carry this information? Also if he was such a great freedom fighter, then why was he not sent to the Andamans where the real freedom fighters were sent? Why was he sent to jails with all comforts where he could letters that became books and on which royalty was earned later? I am told that the only fighting that Nehru only indulged in hand-to-hand ‘combat’ – with the Viceroy’s wife on the lawns of the present Rashtrapathi Bhavan. History books also tell us of the great crime Nathuram Godse committed in assassinating Mahatma Gandhi. But they do not tell us that he committed an even greater crime – he shot the wrong man. Who should he have shot – the Great Freedom “Fighter”. History books should also tell us why the Congress that claims to be a Gandhian party did not dissolve itself as desired by the Mahatma. Will the HRD Minister answer all these questions so that our censored knowledge of history is complete? Perhaps the above is the reason why many say ‘istri’ for history. They know that inconvenient facts have been istrified.

Do you know that your bonus payout is taxed at a different rate than your fixed (monthly salary)?

Here is how:

Your bonus is always taxed at your highest tax bracket, while there are various exemptions available which are tax exempt.

1. Your HRA would be 40-50% of your basic. This is tax exempt if you have the proper rental receipts.
2. Employer’s contribution would be 12% of your basic which does not even show up in your IT records.
3. Based on company policy your LTA would be a % of your basic which is also tax exempt. (Say 2%)

So 54-64% of your basic salary is tax free. Assuming your basic compensation is 50% of your gross compensation (may vary based on company policy) this translates into 27-32% of your fixed salary being tax exempt.

This means that rather than a popular myth of income tax being 30%, your effective income tax on any increments (in your fixed salary) would be mere 20-22%

So 1L of bonus taxed at 30% leaves you with 70K, while 1L of additional fixed salary would leave you with 80K extra take home. (~15% higher)

Other merits of having high fixed salary (rather than bonus):

1. Since fixed salary is paid out monthly (rather than yearly/periodically), it eases your liquidity and ability to meet your regular expenses.
2. If you quit your job in the mid-year, no company pays you your due share of the bonus. Hence it’s always beneficial to minimize the receivables.
3. Gratuity/severance payouts are on the basis of your fixed
4. Your bank loan eligibility limit is determined on your monthly take home. So high fixed component makes it easier to buy that bigger car/home that you always dreamed of.
5. Also its beneficial to prepay the loan with a higher EMI, rather than using Bonus to pre-pay (as there are pre-payment penalties etc which you can avoid)
6. At 9% interest rate, and assuming that the bonus is paid annually at the end of the year, you would lose about 4.5% as interest/time value of money alone.

Bonus payouts are also not without merits:

1 Since bonus is often tied to the performance levels (personal + team + corporate), there is usually a very high chance to achieve higher bonus.

2 Being paid as a lump sum amount, it is a great morale boaster. It really helps you make the purchase/investment that you always wanted to.

3 Many companies use bonus as a retention tool, as employees usually wait till the Bonus payouts before expressing their desire to quit. Hence lesser value of the bonus, the more control you would have over the timing of the exit.

Hence don’t fall into the CTC (cost to company) trap; always calculate your salary on the basis of BTE (Benefit to employee) basis. A 119% bonus payout at the end of the year is financially equivalent to the same amount being added to your fixed salary. (15% +4.5%)

Regards,

Ankur Aggarwal

Practice Manager, Corporate Strategy

IP Extension – 66130

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The shift from discounts, cash on delivery, return policies to the fact that its not too risky to shop online is a wonderful change. It addresses the core issue which keeps most shoppers away from websites, while ensuring that e-commerce not mere discount stores.

In the medieval ages, gun powder was the symbol of power and wealth. More the number of guns were shot, the more blackpowder was needed. One of the most important component of blackpowder was saltpeter which was almost exclusively made from Piss (but animal piss this time). http://www.musketeer.ch/blackpowder/saltpeter.html

In the modern era, there were cheaper ways to produce ammonia and nitrous oxides, but that never diminished the importance of these compounds. Ammonia is used even today in Urea and almost all fertilizers, while nitrous oxides are still the most important ingredient of all explosives, bullets and weapons. Its even said that the Allied bombing lead to destruction of several important sites that produced Nitrous oxide. This severely reduced the supply of nitrogen for Hitler and almost all was being diverted to make explosives. This caused a famine which started a chain of events leading to invasion of Russia (for its fertile land and supply of Potato and wheat)

On a serious note:
Employees ofter overestimate their capabilities when they threaten to quit, but one should always remember that the corporation will continue to exist (and hopefully flourish) long after you have parted ways… much in the same way that you will continue to grow and flourish even after you have severed your ties with the current job. The job never defines a person, its just a stepping stone preparing you for bigger and better things (both professionally and personally)

The feat was performed in front of Halfdan and his personal advisor. Orvandel took three arrows from his quiver. He aimed one arrow at the apple upon his son’s head and shot it, cleaving the apple in two. Halfdan kept his word and let him free. Before he left, Halfdan asked Orvandel why he took three arrows. To this, Halfdan’s personal advisor replied that if Orvandel had failed and killed his son, the other two arrows were meant for his captors who nearly caused his son’s death.

The tale of William Tell seems to be a fine example of copy paste!

Gandalf – Finally Wikipedia confirmed what I suspected from the start. I was into Nordic mythology a long time before I saw LOTR (never read it though). The description of Gandalf the Grey is exactly like Odin’s disguise on earth, with the exception of Gandalf having both his eyes intact. Check this wiki link.

Hel(l) – Well, you’ve heard it, lesser times than me, but someone has damned you to it at least once. Turns out, Christianity borrowed this from the pagan Nords. Hel was the child of Loki, the trickster God. Her half body was of a beautiful woman, and the other half was rotting corpse. She was banished by the Gods along with her siblings, Fenrir and Jormungandr (Also mentioned in the previous post). But before she was cast out, the Allfather Odin gave her authority over the nine worlds. She was to “administer board and lodging to those sent to her, and that is those who die of sickness or old age.” She was given her own realm where here powers were supreme, surpassing even Odin. There have been instances where even Odin failed to bring back from the dead someone he wanted, because Hel didn’t want it.

Her realm, also known as Hel, had a hall called Éljúðnir, the entrance threshold “Stumbling-block,” curtains “Gleaming-bale,” a dish called “Hunger,” a knife called “Famine,” the servant Ganglati (“lazy walker”), the serving-maid Ganglöt (also “lazy walker”) and the bed “Sick-bed.” During Ragnarok, Hel will lead all her dead in a ship made of fingernails, Naglfar, against the Gods.

No wonder. After such a description, it certainly is hell.

Merchant of Venice – The incident of the Pound of flesh:
Its well known that Shakespeare’s works were heavily influenced by different sources. I found an interesting story which is the source of one of his better plots, the pound of flesh, wherein an adamant Shylock wants the pound of flesh, closest to heart, from Antonio. When all attempts to redeem it in gold fails, it is Portia who uses her wits and tells Shylock that he may have the flesh but not a single drop of blood could be shed. This effectively saves Antonio and Shylock’s plans are thwarted.

In Nordic mythology, there were two dwarf families who were accomplished craftsmen of fine metals, Ivalde and Sindre. They provided ornaments to the Gods and embellished their palaces. Ivalde and Sindre’s kinsmen were rivals. Once, the trickster God Loki challenged both clans to produce their best works, and the Gods would reward the better clan. Before the completion of the work, Brok, a member of Sindre’s clan, boasted the greater skill of his fellows. Loki wagered his own head against it, and the bet was readily accepted.
Upon completion, each of the gifts received praises of the Gods. But those of Sindre’s clan were considered best. Brok demanded his prize, Loki’s head, which he had wagered. Loki offered to redeem it, but Brok didn’t accept anything else. Loki, finding no alternative, vanished from sight. But the angered dwarf appealed to the mighty God Thor to seize Loki, who set forth and returned with him.
“Thy head is mine,” exclaimed Brok, who prepared to cut it off.
“Thine indeed is the head, answered Loki, “but not the neck.”
Brok appealed to the Gods, but they gave judgment that favored Loki. They told Brok that he might take the head, but the neck he must not injure.

Anchors of Ships – Through films, cartoons or actual observations, we have seen how a ship’s anchor looks like. As it turns out, these anchors are the Viking’s way of warding off the evil world-serpent. The story goes like this – One child of the Trickster God Loki was a serpent, Jormungandr. It was prophesied that it would grow big enough to encompass the whole world and fight the Gods in Ragnarok, the ultimate battle. It was also foretold that it would fight the mighty God Thor and both would kill each other, hence it was immediately banished in the oceans.

Considering that Vikings were a great sea-faring race, what followed was an important incident. Much after Jormungandr’s banishment, Thor was fishing, and instead of a fish, he pulled up the world-serpent! Thor saw an opportunity to change the future and grabbed his famous hammer Mjollnir. By the time he retrieved it, Jormungandr dived back and vanished in the ocean.

It was the Mjollnir, which caused the world-serpent to run from a fight; hence it has been used by ships as a symbol of warding off evils in the water. The anchor of any ship represents the Mjollnir, and this shape is still used with slight modifications.

King Arthur’s Excalibur – The Nordic sagas tell of a great hero Sigurd/ Siegfried who killed the dragon Fafnir using the sword Gram (Old Norse “wrath”). This sword had its own history. It was forged by the legendary smith Wayland and was displayed in the fabled hall of the Volsung. Odin, the chief God of Norse, took the sword and stuck it in the tree Barnstokk in the middle of the hall. Odin then announced that the man who removed the sword would have it as a gift. Sigmund, a hero and the father of Sigurd, managed to do so and achieved wealth and fame wielding it later. This motif was used similarly for Arthur, who pulled the sword Excalibur from a stone to prove his rightfulness to rule Britain.

I was always intrigued by the Scandinavian mythology. It is one of the few mythologies (possibly the only one) where the Gods will die fighting all evil, in the epic battle of Ragnarok. This came as a surprise because God(s) are supposed to triumph over evil, even if eventually. As I went through their holy books – Prosic and Poetic Edda, I came across some very interesting facts we take at face value.

Weekdays: The names of the six days of the week are named after six Gods of the Scandinavians – Sunday was Son(Sun)’s Day, Monday was Moon’s Day, Tuesday was the Brave Tyr’s Day, Wednesday was the All Father Wodan (Odin)’s Day, Thursday was Almighty Thor’s Day and Friday was Freyr’s Day. I guess most early cultures followed the lunar six days calendar; hence it was the Romans who added a seventh Saturn’s Day.

Directions: According to these legends, the sky is held up at the four corners by four dwarves– Austri, Vestri, Nordi and Sudri, who became East, West, North and South, the four cardinal directions.

Jack and Jill: The old English nursery rhyme has its roots in pagan mythology too. Legends say that with the Moon God are two children whom he carried away from earth-a boy who was called Hjuki (Jack), and a girl whose name is Bill (Jill). These were identified as the spots on the moon. They had been sent out in the darkness of night by their father, to draw a special kind of mead from the spring Byrger, which broke forth from the source of mythical fountain of Mimer, atop a hill. They filled their pail to the brink. (Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.)

This was a fountain special to the Gods and they did not want mortals to share it. When they began to descend the mountain, the Moon God chased them. As they fell down, He seized them and took them away with their pail. (Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.)

 I will talk about more facts in forthcoming posts.

A fisherman puts a dozen crabs in a basket and seals its top. Then no matter who strong the basket is, the crabs team up together and break free. Many lose their claws (limbs) in the process, but it’s a price well paid for the freedom they all deserve.
In the second case, the dozen crabs are left in the same basket, but this time the top is left open. The light from the top of this shallow container is perceived as achievable escape route and all the crabs independently quest towards being the first to reach to the top. In the resulting scramble, they pull each other down and hence no crab is ever able to escape.

Life of a citizen is like that crab trapped inside an airtight container. As Karl Marx once said, “We have nothing to lose but our chains”. A bloody revolution soon followed in Russia which led to purging of Czars. A citizen pushed to the edge has no option but to rebel. An accidental hero is born when the action of this lone desperate man is worshipped by thousands of sympathizers and ardent followers.
So how does any government prevent such an explosive situation? Simple like our fisherman friend, give your citizens/crabs hope. Show them a path through which each and everyone can achieve a respectable comfortable life. Then make sure everybody gets busy pursuing this vision. A point to remember is that it’s the journey, not the destination that keeps a person engaged (and hence under control). When a person believes that their much cherished goals are within reach, they forget all planning, strategy, pledges. This disorganized mass then loses its unity and is easy to control.
India has been a functional anarchy for the past 60 years, but it still survives, why? Unlike the governments in Middle East, citizens witnessed socio-economic mobility. People from the villages moved to the city and escaped the clutches of poverty and oppression from the landlords (zamindars). Education led to creation of a new breed of Indian Middle Class who did not inherit wealth but created one. The government/container is saved because everybody is busy and nobody teaming against it.

The idea is not to be selling any financial products/ponzi schemes but to help one set realistic financial goals and work towards achieving it. One of the biggest problem I see in India is mis-selling of products by agents who care only about their commissions. As a result the pyramid schemes are sold as entrepreneurial ventures, the saving schemes are sold as insurance and tax saving schemes rob the individuals of their precious little savings.

If this initiative is successful then probably I could rope in a few more friends to provide a similar service in Delhi and Mumbai. Also you could be doing a great service to your friends and colleagues if you could request your HR to permit me hold a seminar in one of the company’s conference halls or maybe even man a temporary booth in your cafeteria. I would be glad to provide my credentials for the same.

1. Kingfisher airline: Anybody who has flown on Kingfisher (before the crisis) would agree that this airline was a class apart when it came to customer service. However the airline was unable to charge a premium to cover the cost of the service and the airline has gone broke.
2. Ever walked into Big Bazaar, well how can one possibly walk in there? The aisles are so cramped and crowded that even a dash from entrance to exit takes 15 minutes. The constant noise of public announcements will make your ears bleed and the queue in front of the billing counter never seems to end. Yet it is the most successful (and talked about) super market chain in the country.
3. Almost any good club in India takes pride in imposing very stringent entry barriers for its customers. The clubs that screens it clientele (based on looks, perception of being loaded, hefty entry charge, cover charges etc.) are always overbooked. While the club next door that even offers “happy hours (50% off on drinks) and other discounts is always half empty.
4. I guess it’s not only the youth in the country, who is masochist. Most pricy fine dining restaurants will have long waiting queues. I swore there was a restaurant in Park Street who made me wait for 15 minutes even when the establishment was half empty.
5. Audit firms that are customer centric are only inviting trouble. Sometimes it’s good to be cold and professional in all your dealings.
6. My undergraduate school and my post-graduate school treated me like shit and spared no occasion to remind the entire batch (not just me) that how they are a disgrace to the prestige of the institute. Yet they continue to receive 1000 applications for every seat they have to offer. Employers flock around these campuses because the bruised (crushed) ego makes them ideal employees.
7. I know so many people who continue to curse the PSU banks for their ancient infrastructure, short operating hours, and the attitude towards customers in general. Yet they continue to bank with them.
8. One of the reasons for the decline to mature companies is that they are so much focused in serving the existing clients that they miss out on the new business opportunities.
9. Almost all the cloth stores in India have a sign that says that the store does not have any return policy, guarantee that the garments will not shrink after wash or that the colors will not bleed. Yet we have not stopped purchasing from them.
10. Walk into any big firm and you would see that PR (Public Relations) department focusing not on improving the public relations but limiting the damage that the company’s policies and statements have on its finances.

“Low cost” businesses ignore the clients because it reinforces their image of being able to provide the best price, no frills service for its customers. ‘Premium/Luxury’ businesses ignore their customers as part of their well thought off strategy to maintain exclusivity. It’s only the mediocre that are stuck with no plan or strategy that end up providing excellent service to their clients because they have nothing better to do.
Good guys always finish last.
So show a little spine and get rid of customers that make no economic sense to serve. Customer service is just one of the components of the Value proposition. Well positioned, quality offering which meets the clients requirements is the key to success.

Further reading: http://www.economist.com/blogs/schumpeter/2012/03/how-deal-muppets

BTW http://www.indiagetonline.in/ (a google/hostgator initiative) allows you to register a *.in domain and host it for one year for free. However your PAN card is required for the registration (most other domain registration website don’t require your PAN number.

The product was reasonably priced, promptly delivered and matched the description and quality that I had anticipated. However what made the real difference is the presentation.
1. It was a beautiful carton and the packaging was not only aesthetically pleasing but also functional.
2. It came with a handwritten note (from one of the co-founder) along with a lovely envelope thanking me for the purchase and wishing me the best.
3. It came with a small handcrafted scented wax-terracotta lamp.

I have always emphasized that when Indians shop online, they seek value for money. Discounts and coupons are an easy way to satisfy this need of the customers, but it is not a sustainable one. What makes you really stand out is the way the e-commerce store handles the order. This handwritten note and diya would not cost much, but they definitely add this personal touch which any online biz lacks.

One should remember that Indian middle class is quite mobile and online stores are a great way to ensure that the family traditions on those special occasions are maintained. (and yes if you add birthdays and festivals, we have something or the other every second week). I wish I could gift my parents/in-laws a product that i bought in a clearance sale at a throw-away price. However I would be much more comfortable gifting them something that was nicely packaged, parceled and delivered without any hassle.

BTW Indian handicrafts make a perfect gift for all occasion (esp. if you want to gift it someone from a different culture) and my friend Shivam has agreed to post a video of dokra casting being sculptured live along with a note of various indian tribal cultures and their unique handicrafts. I would also insist that him to order something from the website and learn from the experience.

The street vendor can recite his entire Cash-Flow statement, Balance sheet (how much is in his inventory, how much debt he has taken, how much credit he has given, how much money he has put in etc.) and his P&L. However EPFO takes a year to do these calculations and ever after those, they make a royal mess.

Today I got a mail from my payroll department with my EPFO balance. However that came with this Disclaimer:

“The calculation excludes the interest component & this mail is for your information only.”

Considering that interest rate in India is 8.5% and I have been working since 2004, this information was actually misleading and worthless.

Hence I logged into the EPFO website. The site keeps on crashing, it has no way to get an online statement, paper statement or even call up someone who would know this information. Finally through miracle of god I was able to access: http://www.epfindia.com/membbal.html . After fiddling around for 10 minutes, I was able to get this information:

“Your EPF Balance as on 03/03/12 is XXX (Accounts updated up to 31/03/2011)”

What is that takes them one year to update the records? Last year they discovered a huge pile of unaccounted cash-pile (which they disbursed as a bonus/extra interest payout) which they later on discovered was because the interest rates were not accrued properly. Such Goof-ups for an organization that manages savings for over 100 millions souls is totally reckless and unacceptable.

1. 1% processing Fee: 11,000/-

2. Payments for 6 months @30,614 p.m. = 1,83,683/- (4 years tenure)

3. 2% Pre-payment penalty: 19.912/-

4. Principal Left after 6 months 9,95,602/-

Total Payments: 12,10,197/- or a loss of 1,10,197/-

Of this he is able to recoup 30,373/- by reinvesting in a 6% FD of the same bank. This reduces the total loss to 79,824/- (or 7.26% of the borrowed sum)

I have always advised people to either borrow from friends/relatives or take a bank overdraft. Because there 15% interest means 15% and you will never have situations where you end up paying 7-8% for a couple of hours. Remember banks are predators who pose as friends.

Wife: “Honey, I want you to whisper dirty things to me.” Husband: “Kitchen, living room, bathroom…”

—-
How is Christmas like a day at the office? You do all the work and some fat man in a suit gets all the credit!

For Christmas this year, I got the usual: a shirt and a piece of a$$ …both about two sizes too big!

2. Avoid sites with a tall grasses and undergrowth. Although such areas look beautiful and scenic, but the tall grasses hide the branches, stones and uneven underlying surface beneath them. Not to mention it is a potential fire hazard and home for various pests and reptiles.

3. Near Water: Almost all pictures of landscape involves a house near a stream/water body. But building a temporary accommodation near them can be tricky for an amateur. A) Oceans (and large rivers like Ganges) are prone to high tide. So if you have not accounted for it, then water would seep into your tent and wake up exactly at midnight. Ponds/Lakes also should be avoided because of 2 reasons. Firstly water means pests and secondly you might be right in the path of the animal movements. Most large animals are habits of creatures and would drink for the same spot irrespective of your claims on the territory.

4. The ideal spot should be at a certain elevation from the surroundings (so that the water drains away) on a terrain that is flat. Remove any pebbles, undergrowth/twigs.

5. If camping in the desert/snow then take wind direction into account. Also it would not be a bad idea to sleep in a area where you don’t get buried under by the morning.

6. If a level ground is not available then sleep in the incline such that your head is at the elevation relative to the feet.

7. You are there to enjoy nature and not destroy it. Hence please use a pre-existing site so that the damage to the nature is minimal. Also once you are done, please pick all the litter and bury it/carry it back. (Don’t burn it, most forest fires are a result of un-attended camping fires)

8. Last but not the least. Be far far away from bon fire. Most portable tents are made of synthetic material and even a casually flying ember can burn big holes in your tent even before you can bat a eyelid.

9. Protect against dew: The minute precipitation in the night can cause a lot of inconvenience and even breathing problems. Hence please cover the vent at the top of the tent.

10. It’s never a bad idea to spray some pesticide on the site before unfolding the tent.

11. Take good care of the tent flooring. Good modern portable tents have a plastic sheet sewed to the tent. Please make sure there are no holes/cracks. Also cover the holes/cracks and even the stitching seams with a plastic tape.

12. Secure the tent. Even though the whole things looks steady, it’s as light as a kite and it can fly. The harness and stakes are given for a reason. Use them.

2. Sleeping bags

3. yoga mat

4. Avoid blankets/shawls of any sort. I prefer jackets and socks for warmth and they save weight too.

5. Matchsticks. remember to distribute them in 2 different bags to prevent them getting damp

6. Liquor/cigarettes should be avoided… cigarettes are a fire hazard and liquor can cause dehydration

7. Spare set of socks is a must. It is always good to have an extra t-shirt, shorts/trackpants

8. Odomas cream for protection against leeches and a can of baygon spray (cockroach version) for the sleeping area

9. Swiss army knife

10. MTR Packets (I could never cook a decent meal during treks and sometimes we forgot to bring the right ingredients or the water is scarce making things undercooked. however food for 3 persons is going to be consumed in just one meal. BTW don’t be surprised to know that breakfast and evening snacks are a meal in itself.

11. Torchlight (1 for every 2 persons): Most people forget to pack it.

12. Hat/cap + sunscreen . cannot emphasize enough.

13. Jacket, gloves and whatever you need to keep yourself warm.

14. Energy bars. chikki, chocolate, sugar candies are always welcome

15. Avoid fruits and vegetables. Carry things which provide high calories, can be eaten raw and completely (mangoes with their big stones are strict NO NO)

16. Electrolyte. I would recommend 4packets per person per day.

17. Fully charged mobile phones. One can get cell receptions in the unlikeliest of the places. Plus they are a good source of music.

18. Camera but avoid tripods.

19. Medicine kit esp. band-aids

20. Bags: Typically I would recommend a guy carrying a full 10-20L backpack while a girl carrying a simple school bag. Call me sexist but any other combination and girls will slow you down.

21. Shoes: Need to be comfortable, waterproof, with good grip.

22. 2 1-L plastic bottles (no metal bottles no thermos flasks) If you can get a trekking sipper go for it.

23. Walking stick. There are aluminum trekking sticks. Expensive but worth it esp. on the way back.

Last but not the least distribute your items across multiple persons. This way even if one bag gets lost/the person carrying it becomes slow the whole group can still manage it.

1. Corporate Governance
2. Transparency
3. Accounting practices

I guess through their corporate names the management is trying to obliterate these very concerns.

1. You have faced power-cuts up to 10hours a day!
And yet, it’s no big deal for you.

2. Even though the hottest party spot/pub in town says “Admit Over 18, Drinks over 25″ You have been inside and have enjoyed a beer, being underage.

3. Living in the most posh colonies, you get to hear, “Aloo, Bhindi Pyaaz, Tamatar le loo”… And you hear women asking the vegetable vendor “Bhaiyaa aapne free dhaniya nehi diya!” [Even with Half a kilo Carrot]

4. You have Driven rash and Broken Signals more times than you can count. Doesn’t matter whether you have a license or not.

5. Every teenager knows at least one “ghunda” on whose name he can jump around all day.

6. You have seen your relative or family member bribing a policeman at-least once.

7. You have been to Big Chill at-least once.

8. When a car accident occurs, instead of solving the problem quietly, either one of the drivers would start with.. “B******, meri gadi maar di, ab tu ruk, mein teri marta hoon” or something kinda.

9. In the 90′s you have been to India Gate and around 2000-2002 you have been to Ansal Plaza more times than you can count.!

10. Mocha,CCD,Barista,Hookah,24×7 are like your favorite hangouts.

11. You just love socializing.

12. You speak or hear the word “setting” or “jugad” at-least once a day.

13. When you stare at a school bus, you see students talking of the phone, care free OR Chilling out listening songs on the Ipod.

14. A meter working in a Auto – Miracle! And hear statements like..
# Gas nahi hai
# Gaadi waapis dene ka time ho gaya
# Wahan se waapis ki sawaari nahi milti
# Wahan jaam (traffic jam) mein kaun fasega

15. All guys have at-least been to Pallika bazar and they all know why. Well, even the girls are starting now.

16. This is the place when you actually feel like slapping the same traffic policeman who caught you yesterday… Because today he’s on his bike without a helmet or talking on the phone…

17. Qutub Minar, Red Fort, Lotus Temple are just for tourist. You havn’t been to more than two of these.

18. Past Midnight? Hungry? Go to a Five Star, The Airport or the only hangout in south, 24×7. Where the FUCK will the West,East and North Delhi people end up? No nearby joint.

19. You have an example of Delhi being unsafe for women after Midnight. And now even for men.

20. You wont be surprised if you find some old lady bargaining at a SALE.

21. Young or Old, You have played street football in the rains and have ended up breaking some glass.

22. You first abused real bad when you were around 10 years old.

23. Your Dad’s really good friends with at least one Public Figure.

24. Library is virtually non-existent unless you go to British council or American Library or Max Mueller Bhavan

25. Deepavali means every house is illuminated to such an extent that you wonder if its a competition of illumination and cracker bursting is so continuous that it is difficult to imagine one moment of silence on Diwali.

26. You have had the most RANDOM plans. Like reaching for a movie show which starts at 1pm, at 12:55pm and just hoping that gods left some tickets for you and your friends.

27. You have been warned by your parents at-least once that going at public places like Malls, isn’t safe, Cuz there might just a BOMB in that place.

28. Being from DPS, Modern or now even Goenka is like the SHIT.

29. You glare at people who call Gol-Guppa’s- Pani Puri!
And you always ask the vendor “Bhaiya yeh Gol-Guppe Aate ki hai ya Sooji ke?”

30. If in school, Your conti got busted by cops, teachers or a combination of both.

31. You’ve had school cancelled due to cold, summer vacations preponed due to heat and have at least thrice evacuated your school building after tremors.

32. You’ve hit 120 kmph at Nelson Mandela Marg.
And after crossing it, you might end up saying ” FEEL AA GAYE”. OR, You have raced up the DND and taken the U turn back.

33. You have been to a wedding in a Mehrauli farmhouse and have hit Nasha later on.

34. You have taken the 10 rupee Call Center cab/ Qualis from anywhere to Gurgaon/Noida.

35. You have seen a child with crutches begging on the Red Light RUN fast when the light turns green!

36. Almost every Delhi-ite understands Punjabi to an extent. May he belong to any region. PUNJABI unites everyone

37. You call the waiter in the restaurant “boss” & tack on “yaar”/ “bhai” to almost every sentence.

38. Rajender Da Dhaba’s got better chicken than Taj. You’ve at least tried it once! And you just might see a BMW, a Porsche OR a Peugeot parked outside it!

39. You have surely heard of “Chor Bazar” but never been there.

40. You use the word and have described practically every other person on the planet as “Vella”.

41. ‘KAROBAR’ = ‘Car-O-Bar’ i.e. drinking in the car….Hell yeah! thats what we live for!

42. You often see Middle Aged Aunties wearing Gucci shades and holding LV bags having Gol-Gappas in GK (Near Prince Pan) or Bhelpuri in South Ex along with Diet Coke !

43. Miranda house and CJM are two places where u’ll see people from different school/colleges hang out.

44. In the 90s, movie at Chankaya, momos at Yashwant Place and Hot Choc Fudge at Nirula’s = ULTIMATE Fun.

45. School students here, have gone to school, so early in the morning, it being Dark!..REAL Dark And you’ve attended those 3am GROUP tuition’s during your boards!
Haha.. Spookky! Lol.

46. Almost every Delhite has witnessed a DTC bus brawl turning into street fight.. Yet fun! OR the DTC bus over-speeding/breaking traffic rules/ or disc breaking.

47. You have probably been to Gurudwara Bangla Sahib @ 4 in the morning. Or even at 6 ‘cuz you were out on a day-bunk!

48. When everyone from the Auto Driver, Vegetable Vendor, Grocery Store guy, Watch-man, Salesperson to just any ‘guy’ is referred to here as ‘Bhaiya’

49. You refer to East Delhi as Jamuna ke Us Paar.

50. You refer to AIIMS as Medical.

51. You dont buy tickets for a music concert or cricket match, but try to take the help of your friend’s Dad, who happens to be the PA to the under secretary of the deputy secretary of the chief secretary of the Minister of State for Khadi.

52. You overtake everyone from the wrong side and stare into his/her eyes while doing so.

53. You call Gurgaon & NOIDA as illegitimate cousins of Delhi!

54. Most of you have at least two cars; your drivers have scooters and mobiles.

55. As soon someone tells you abut an important political development, you whip out your mobile and whisper into it as if you have access to the Prime Minister’s OFFICE!

56. You know that a farmhouse has nothing to do with cattle or farming.

57. You used “contacts” for everything, from getting movie tickets to restaurant bookings to playschool admissions.

58. You didn’t find ‘Monsoon Wedding’ funny. And Laughed your ass off when you watched ‘Dilli 6′

59. You’ve probably used the word ‘Tota’ to describe ANY Random-Hot-Chick that just passed by! ‘Phew!

60. You have had Anda parantha outside Vikram hotel and Bun Omelet at Dhaula Kuan at least once!

61. Almost anyone except a Delhi-ite is a “Chutiya”

62. DESPITE of all the goods and bads.
You still Love Delhi. =]

And you want more.

Opponents of ASFPA must read the autobiography of an ex-IPS officer, Shri E.N. Ram Mohan, titled Simply Khaki. Mr. Rammohan was last DG of the BSF (1997-2000) and had served for extensive periods in the North-East and J&K. In the book he states that every political party, particularly in the North-East and Kashmir has a militant unit which comes into play when that party is in the opposition. Insurgency is therefore a political issue which ALL political parties are responsible for creating and nurturing.

Instead of asking for the ASFPA to be repealed, why doesn’t anyone, including human rights activists, central/state governments and the media have the guts to ask for withdrawal of the army in toto from internal security duties? Or let us have another alternative – if any state wants the army for insurgency operations, without ASFPA, the Home Secretary and the DG Police of the state will be sent home for incompetency and the army commander will function in both those offices. Or better still, President’s rule will be declared in the state and martial law declared. Done? Every political party wants ASFPA to be repealed when in the opposition but needs the army to hold their pants when they are in power. Will media even have the courage to state openly that using the army internally signifies failure of all politicians, police and bureaucrats? I challenge anyone to counter my views openly. I am of course assuming, but am open to correction, that media has the courage to publish this letter. It is lack of this courage to express true public views, that has led to “hate sites” which are now clownishly attempted to be censored.

ASFPA opponents may note this story that explains the issue neatly. A human rights NGO worker, a TV journalist and a tough old soldier were captured by terrorists in Kashmir. The leader granted each one last request. The HR NGO worker said, ‘Well, I’d like one last plate of tandoori chicken.’ The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. The HR activist ate it all and said, ‘Now I can die content.’ The TV journalist said, ‘I want to record the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will see it and know that I was on the job till the end.’ The leader handed over a video camera and the journalist filmed as he spoke. He then said ‘Now I can die happy.’

The leader turned to the soldier and asked, ‘ Havaldarji, what is your final wish? ‘Kick me,’ said the soldier. So the leader kicked him. The soldier rolled to his knees, pulled a hidden pistol from inside his vest and shot the leader dead. He emptied his sidearm on the shocked terrorists and with an AK-47, from an already dead terrorist, sprayed the rest. In a flash all of them were dead. The HR NGO worker and the journalist asked him, ‘Why didn’t you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you?’ ‘Because’ replied the soldier, ‘if I had shot first, you two would have reported that I was the aggressor and the root cause of all the blood shedding in Kashmir! Now you know why the army needs AFSPA. Go tell this to the world.’

A year ago one of my female colleagues was really delighted by Micromax Bling. She loved its square shape, the fact that it had a square screen with 2 crystal buttons with a mirror. She felt that it was like a nose powder box and was the latest fashion accessory that should be added to her purse. She actually bought one and was quite happy with it. Her only dissatisfaction was that “The phone is not pricy enough. I would have loved it even more if it was 5,000/- more expensive.”

Similarly for my mother, less is more. All she is looking for a phone with a good battery life, strong reception during her travel, few buttons and big font size in the display (so that she can function even without her glasses). She does not want a smart phone. It’s not that she is averse to technology; she just associates a phone with telephonic conversations. Any why shouldn’t she STD rates in India are as low as 20-50p (4,500 paisa = 1 USD). Plus you don’t have to pay any monthly commitment/subscription fee.

She does not want a touch screen: because she would rather use an application over the laptop then over a tiny weenie screen. Also her ear-rings (in spite of the proximity sensors etc.) have a tendency of muting her conversation (or a similar mischief). She would rather use an application over a laptop where everything is clearly visible than over a phone.

A business phone (like blackberry) is counterproductive because the key size is too small without the glasses.

Till recently she had a simple nokia phone with a standard 12+3 button format and a color screen. However now she does not want it because her maid has a similar phone.

I am sure there is a huge market for expensive phones with easy to use features.

Money does not multiply inside a piggy bank, hence no MBA school would recommend you this strategy of trading your liquidity for nothing. Yet the piggy bank strategy has been working for centuries. Simply because ones propensity to spend is directly correlated to the cash at hand. So often the only way to save is by setting aside some money.

A good friend of mine once said (in a very different context): “boys never grow up… they only trade their toy cars for more expensive ones”. A 15 year home loan, a 30 year insurance plan is a big boys version of a Piggy Bank which saps ones liquidity. EMIs forces the family to set aside its surplus for the rainy day and enforces a great deal of financial discipline.

If you never understood why people take so much pride in home ownership, think of it as one giant piggy bank where the family has been pouring each and every Rupee it could spare for the past 5-6 years.

Here are some of the salient features of the plan:

It is a 30 year plan where for the first 15 years, I would have to shell 1Lakh rupees every year and after 30 years (Nov 2041), I can expect:

1. Guaranteed benefit of 2,488,809/-: Now that is not really a return because it works out a return of 2.135% I guess my savings bank account can deliver more.
2. Same can be said about life cover because the returns one gets a return of 6% on the investment irrespective of the fund performance.
3. If the fund delivers 8% p.a. returns then after 30 years you get a 4.8% return or 45Lakh.
4. If the fund delivers a 10% returns then after 30 years you get an 8.7% return or 109Lakhs.
5. There is a surrender value: You invest 3 Lakhs over 3 years and you get 1L guaranteed in the 4 year. Even if your fund delivers 10% returns, you get 2.8Lakhs. So basically there are severe penalties for premature withdrawal.

Here is my analysis:

1. PPF gives me 8.5% guaranteed. So my returns from PPF match HDFC’s optimistic scenario.

2. If I die even 29 years 11 months and 29 days from the start of the policy, instead of getting 109 Lakhs return, I get only 55 Lakhs. So HDFC will ROB me of 50% of my savings.

3. PPF allows me to take loan/do a premature withdrawal (after 4 years) without any significant penalties. While in HDFC I do not only lose my interest but also the money I have invested.

4. PPF allows me to set the contribution level based on my financial situation. While HDFC will charge a huge penalty if try to delay/reduce my annual payment.

All these make me wonder WHY on EARTH will I invest in HDFC? But again there is no dearth of fools in the planet.

PS: Although PPF is a 15 year plan, you can extend it in 5 year blocks till your end of life.

We have all heard of fertilizer subsidy, fuel subsidy, LPG subsidy and the PM even mentioned that the 2G scam was also a subsidy. But we now have a new subsidy that is self perpetuating – sex subsidy – also called BPL – which will ensure that generations of Indians will continue to be BPL and produce even more BPL candidates. If someone claims to be BPL and cannot even support himself and needs the government to provide handouts then why should such a person be allowed to marry or even have children? So that more people can be brought into this world who are BPL ab initio and will vote for his caste-wallah neta? So let BPL be given only to those who are single and the moment he gets married or has children, he loses his BPL status. And any children, legal or illegal, will not be entitled to BPL subsidies. This should apply with retrospective effect. Children of BPL will not be eligible for BPL. In one generation we will wipe out BPL. That is the only way to end this vote garnering gimmick at the cost of tax payers. Otherwise BPL will only be a government sponsored sex subsidy scheme.

2.An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.This continued off and on for several weeks.Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ’He lives in a home, with my non stop chatting and nagging wife, he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.Can I come with him tomorrow ? Thanks

I figured out if the net can give me info (and porn) it can surely give me quips. Guess what, I was right! I know this idea sounds lame, but check out www.grouchyrabbit.com and www.dearblankpleaseblank.com. Good laughs in both of them, and if you are particularly crazy about grass, check out www.thathigh.com. Wonder if I should charge these sites for advertising…

Cavemen have given up their freedom for civilization, law and order. Marriage constraints our personal life. Home mortgage EMI takes away our financial freedom, employment bonds/service contracts takes away our professional freedom. Why is it that everyone talks so much of freedom but they part with it so easily? The moment we plan, commit, agree to something we tie ourselves up and give up our freedom.

Hence I think freedom is ability to choose one’s constraints.

01.I’m not chicken. I’m just really hesitant.

02.I’m sorry, Niles, I was afraid you might be trying to get a picture of my butt!

03.How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!

04.You’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger snob in the entire room!

05.I’m not bored, I was simply wondering how long we’ve been sitting here enjoying ourselves.

06.You’re not a child anymore. Now come with me to the bathroom.

07.There’s an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem.

08.I took my poor battered heart and offered it to Lilith….who put it in her little food processor and hit the puree button.

09.She’s obviously a little touchy about her age, but it’s not like this is the first time she’s turned forty.

10.I am so tired of your exaggeration! You always make things 50,000 times worse than they are!

11.There are worse things than seeing your career go down the toilet. I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes.

12.Oh, I’m sorry. Was I snippy? I didn’t realize that it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

13.And while I agree that washing his hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive-compulsive behavior, bear in mind that your husband is a coroner.

14.I see you’re still waiting on that spine donor.

15.Somebody’s marriage must be on the skids! Somebody’s career must be going badly . . . besides mine.

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock/Clutch of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves, an Army of ants, a Swarm of bees, Troop of monkeys, etc.
Now consider Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not … Congress! Now ‘congress’ is also used to denote that familiar nocturnal activity that results in families. No wonder the country is probably being ‘congressed’?!

Owls, considered wise in western culture, are given the collective noun – ‘Parliament’ – presumably because parliament is a group of wise people. But owls – ie ulus – have a negative image here in India. Now if you translate “parliament of owls” into Hindi – you get “uluon ka sansad”!! Look how the translation also retains the cultural image!

Parliament is famous for forming Committees – that’s the collective noun for vultures! Again so appropriate! Incidentally the various collective nouns for politicians are – FIB, CHAOS, EXPENSE, SHAME & CORRUPTION. Now can Lokpal do anything to a congress of baboons and an uluon ka sansad, before the country gets ‘congressed’ and only the vultures are waiting for the pickings?

The ineptitude of the Congress, with its head half way round the world reveals that it’s nothing but a mama mia cabal, unable to function without hanging on her petticoat. It is an ice-cream pack, party size but wrapped in family size for only one family. And the rot started way back in 1969. Insecure and uncomfortable with those who had their own political base, Indira Gandhi went all out to destroy real Congressmen like Bahuguna, Vasantdada Patil, Jagjivan Ram, etc. Those who were installed in positions of authority were those who had no link whatsoever to the realities on the ground and could only function when the going was good. When the that starts hitting the fan they get mired in their own. And even end up putting their foot in the mouth, some even managing both!

There is not a single senior Congressman with experience in dealing with real politik. They are all political spoons, who cannot even win their own seats. Contrast this with the days of Nehru when CMs like Morarji Desai, CB Gupta, Kamaraj, Mohan Lal Sukhadia, G.B. Pant, R.S.Shukla, B.C.Roy, Srikrishna Sinha, were bosses in their states and even Nehru could not wag a finger at them. Look how with more than 400 MPs and half the country younger than him, Rajiv Gandhi messed up. He had no anubhav. And where is the current Yuvraj – not a peep out of him. Why he is uncomfortable in coming out with his views on the current snafu? And can we expect such an escapist to lead a nation? What happened to the four-headed hydra that is supposed to take decisions?