1. Corporate Governance
2. Transparency
3. Accounting practices

I guess through their corporate names the management is trying to obliterate these very concerns.

1. You have faced power-cuts up to 10hours a day!
And yet, it’s no big deal for you.

2. Even though the hottest party spot/pub in town says “Admit Over 18, Drinks over 25″ You have been inside and have enjoyed a beer, being underage.

3. Living in the most posh colonies, you get to hear, “Aloo, Bhindi Pyaaz, Tamatar le loo”… And you hear women asking the vegetable vendor “Bhaiyaa aapne free dhaniya nehi diya!” [Even with Half a kilo Carrot]

4. You have Driven rash and Broken Signals more times than you can count. Doesn’t matter whether you have a license or not.

5. Every teenager knows at least one “ghunda” on whose name he can jump around all day.

6. You have seen your relative or family member bribing a policeman at-least once.

7. You have been to Big Chill at-least once.

8. When a car accident occurs, instead of solving the problem quietly, either one of the drivers would start with.. “B******, meri gadi maar di, ab tu ruk, mein teri marta hoon” or something kinda.

9. In the 90′s you have been to India Gate and around 2000-2002 you have been to Ansal Plaza more times than you can count.!

10. Mocha,CCD,Barista,Hookah,24×7 are like your favorite hangouts.

11. You just love socializing.

12. You speak or hear the word “setting” or “jugad” at-least once a day.

13. When you stare at a school bus, you see students talking of the phone, care free OR Chilling out listening songs on the Ipod.

14. A meter working in a Auto – Miracle! And hear statements like..
# Gas nahi hai
# Gaadi waapis dene ka time ho gaya
# Wahan se waapis ki sawaari nahi milti
# Wahan jaam (traffic jam) mein kaun fasega

15. All guys have at-least been to Pallika bazar and they all know why. Well, even the girls are starting now.

16. This is the place when you actually feel like slapping the same traffic policeman who caught you yesterday… Because today he’s on his bike without a helmet or talking on the phone…

17. Qutub Minar, Red Fort, Lotus Temple are just for tourist. You havn’t been to more than two of these.

18. Past Midnight? Hungry? Go to a Five Star, The Airport or the only hangout in south, 24×7. Where the FUCK will the West,East and North Delhi people end up? No nearby joint.

19. You have an example of Delhi being unsafe for women after Midnight. And now even for men.

20. You wont be surprised if you find some old lady bargaining at a SALE.

21. Young or Old, You have played street football in the rains and have ended up breaking some glass.

22. You first abused real bad when you were around 10 years old.

23. Your Dad’s really good friends with at least one Public Figure.

24. Library is virtually non-existent unless you go to British council or American Library or Max Mueller Bhavan

25. Deepavali means every house is illuminated to such an extent that you wonder if its a competition of illumination and cracker bursting is so continuous that it is difficult to imagine one moment of silence on Diwali.

26. You have had the most RANDOM plans. Like reaching for a movie show which starts at 1pm, at 12:55pm and just hoping that gods left some tickets for you and your friends.

27. You have been warned by your parents at-least once that going at public places like Malls, isn’t safe, Cuz there might just a BOMB in that place.

28. Being from DPS, Modern or now even Goenka is like the SHIT.

29. You glare at people who call Gol-Guppa’s- Pani Puri!
And you always ask the vendor “Bhaiya yeh Gol-Guppe Aate ki hai ya Sooji ke?”

30. If in school, Your conti got busted by cops, teachers or a combination of both.

31. You’ve had school cancelled due to cold, summer vacations preponed due to heat and have at least thrice evacuated your school building after tremors.

32. You’ve hit 120 kmph at Nelson Mandela Marg.
And after crossing it, you might end up saying ” FEEL AA GAYE”. OR, You have raced up the DND and taken the U turn back.

33. You have been to a wedding in a Mehrauli farmhouse and have hit Nasha later on.

34. You have taken the 10 rupee Call Center cab/ Qualis from anywhere to Gurgaon/Noida.

35. You have seen a child with crutches begging on the Red Light RUN fast when the light turns green!

36. Almost every Delhi-ite understands Punjabi to an extent. May he belong to any region. PUNJABI unites everyone

37. You call the waiter in the restaurant “boss” & tack on “yaar”/ “bhai” to almost every sentence.

38. Rajender Da Dhaba’s got better chicken than Taj. You’ve at least tried it once! And you just might see a BMW, a Porsche OR a Peugeot parked outside it!

39. You have surely heard of “Chor Bazar” but never been there.

40. You use the word and have described practically every other person on the planet as “Vella”.

41. ‘KAROBAR’ = ‘Car-O-Bar’ i.e. drinking in the car….Hell yeah! thats what we live for!

42. You often see Middle Aged Aunties wearing Gucci shades and holding LV bags having Gol-Gappas in GK (Near Prince Pan) or Bhelpuri in South Ex along with Diet Coke !

43. Miranda house and CJM are two places where u’ll see people from different school/colleges hang out.

44. In the 90s, movie at Chankaya, momos at Yashwant Place and Hot Choc Fudge at Nirula’s = ULTIMATE Fun.

45. School students here, have gone to school, so early in the morning, it being Dark!..REAL Dark And you’ve attended those 3am GROUP tuition’s during your boards!
Haha.. Spookky! Lol.

46. Almost every Delhite has witnessed a DTC bus brawl turning into street fight.. Yet fun! OR the DTC bus over-speeding/breaking traffic rules/ or disc breaking.

47. You have probably been to Gurudwara Bangla Sahib @ 4 in the morning. Or even at 6 ‘cuz you were out on a day-bunk!

48. When everyone from the Auto Driver, Vegetable Vendor, Grocery Store guy, Watch-man, Salesperson to just any ‘guy’ is referred to here as ‘Bhaiya’

49. You refer to East Delhi as Jamuna ke Us Paar.

50. You refer to AIIMS as Medical.

51. You dont buy tickets for a music concert or cricket match, but try to take the help of your friend’s Dad, who happens to be the PA to the under secretary of the deputy secretary of the chief secretary of the Minister of State for Khadi.

52. You overtake everyone from the wrong side and stare into his/her eyes while doing so.

53. You call Gurgaon & NOIDA as illegitimate cousins of Delhi!

54. Most of you have at least two cars; your drivers have scooters and mobiles.

55. As soon someone tells you abut an important political development, you whip out your mobile and whisper into it as if you have access to the Prime Minister’s OFFICE!

56. You know that a farmhouse has nothing to do with cattle or farming.

57. You used “contacts” for everything, from getting movie tickets to restaurant bookings to playschool admissions.

58. You didn’t find ‘Monsoon Wedding’ funny. And Laughed your ass off when you watched ‘Dilli 6′

59. You’ve probably used the word ‘Tota’ to describe ANY Random-Hot-Chick that just passed by! ‘Phew!

60. You have had Anda parantha outside Vikram hotel and Bun Omelet at Dhaula Kuan at least once!

61. Almost anyone except a Delhi-ite is a “Chutiya”

62. DESPITE of all the goods and bads.
You still Love Delhi. =]

And you want more.

Opponents of ASFPA must read the autobiography of an ex-IPS officer, Shri E.N. Ram Mohan, titled Simply Khaki. Mr. Rammohan was last DG of the BSF (1997-2000) and had served for extensive periods in the North-East and J&K. In the book he states that every political party, particularly in the North-East and Kashmir has a militant unit which comes into play when that party is in the opposition. Insurgency is therefore a political issue which ALL political parties are responsible for creating and nurturing.

Instead of asking for the ASFPA to be repealed, why doesn’t anyone, including human rights activists, central/state governments and the media have the guts to ask for withdrawal of the army in toto from internal security duties? Or let us have another alternative – if any state wants the army for insurgency operations, without ASFPA, the Home Secretary and the DG Police of the state will be sent home for incompetency and the army commander will function in both those offices. Or better still, President’s rule will be declared in the state and martial law declared. Done? Every political party wants ASFPA to be repealed when in the opposition but needs the army to hold their pants when they are in power. Will media even have the courage to state openly that using the army internally signifies failure of all politicians, police and bureaucrats? I challenge anyone to counter my views openly. I am of course assuming, but am open to correction, that media has the courage to publish this letter. It is lack of this courage to express true public views, that has led to “hate sites” which are now clownishly attempted to be censored.

ASFPA opponents may note this story that explains the issue neatly. A human rights NGO worker, a TV journalist and a tough old soldier were captured by terrorists in Kashmir. The leader granted each one last request. The HR NGO worker said, ‘Well, I’d like one last plate of tandoori chicken.’ The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. The HR activist ate it all and said, ‘Now I can die content.’ The TV journalist said, ‘I want to record the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will see it and know that I was on the job till the end.’ The leader handed over a video camera and the journalist filmed as he spoke. He then said ‘Now I can die happy.’

The leader turned to the soldier and asked, ‘ Havaldarji, what is your final wish? ‘Kick me,’ said the soldier. So the leader kicked him. The soldier rolled to his knees, pulled a hidden pistol from inside his vest and shot the leader dead. He emptied his sidearm on the shocked terrorists and with an AK-47, from an already dead terrorist, sprayed the rest. In a flash all of them were dead. The HR NGO worker and the journalist asked him, ‘Why didn’t you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you?’ ‘Because’ replied the soldier, ‘if I had shot first, you two would have reported that I was the aggressor and the root cause of all the blood shedding in Kashmir! Now you know why the army needs AFSPA. Go tell this to the world.’

A year ago one of my female colleagues was really delighted by Micromax Bling. She loved its square shape, the fact that it had a square screen with 2 crystal buttons with a mirror. She felt that it was like a nose powder box and was the latest fashion accessory that should be added to her purse. She actually bought one and was quite happy with it. Her only dissatisfaction was that “The phone is not pricy enough. I would have loved it even more if it was 5,000/- more expensive.”

Similarly for my mother, less is more. All she is looking for a phone with a good battery life, strong reception during her travel, few buttons and big font size in the display (so that she can function even without her glasses). She does not want a smart phone. It’s not that she is averse to technology; she just associates a phone with telephonic conversations. Any why shouldn’t she STD rates in India are as low as 20-50p (4,500 paisa = 1 USD). Plus you don’t have to pay any monthly commitment/subscription fee.

She does not want a touch screen: because she would rather use an application over the laptop then over a tiny weenie screen. Also her ear-rings (in spite of the proximity sensors etc.) have a tendency of muting her conversation (or a similar mischief). She would rather use an application over a laptop where everything is clearly visible than over a phone.

A business phone (like blackberry) is counterproductive because the key size is too small without the glasses.

Till recently she had a simple nokia phone with a standard 12+3 button format and a color screen. However now she does not want it because her maid has a similar phone.

I am sure there is a huge market for expensive phones with easy to use features.

Money does not multiply inside a piggy bank, hence no MBA school would recommend you this strategy of trading your liquidity for nothing. Yet the piggy bank strategy has been working for centuries. Simply because ones propensity to spend is directly correlated to the cash at hand. So often the only way to save is by setting aside some money.

A good friend of mine once said (in a very different context): “boys never grow up… they only trade their toy cars for more expensive ones”. A 15 year home loan, a 30 year insurance plan is a big boys version of a Piggy Bank which saps ones liquidity. EMIs forces the family to set aside its surplus for the rainy day and enforces a great deal of financial discipline.

If you never understood why people take so much pride in home ownership, think of it as one giant piggy bank where the family has been pouring each and every Rupee it could spare for the past 5-6 years.

Here are some of the salient features of the plan:

It is a 30 year plan where for the first 15 years, I would have to shell 1Lakh rupees every year and after 30 years (Nov 2041), I can expect:

1. Guaranteed benefit of 2,488,809/-: Now that is not really a return because it works out a return of 2.135% I guess my savings bank account can deliver more.
2. Same can be said about life cover because the returns one gets a return of 6% on the investment irrespective of the fund performance.
3. If the fund delivers 8% p.a. returns then after 30 years you get a 4.8% return or 45Lakh.
4. If the fund delivers a 10% returns then after 30 years you get an 8.7% return or 109Lakhs.
5. There is a surrender value: You invest 3 Lakhs over 3 years and you get 1L guaranteed in the 4 year. Even if your fund delivers 10% returns, you get 2.8Lakhs. So basically there are severe penalties for premature withdrawal.

Here is my analysis:

1. PPF gives me 8.5% guaranteed. So my returns from PPF match HDFC’s optimistic scenario.

2. If I die even 29 years 11 months and 29 days from the start of the policy, instead of getting 109 Lakhs return, I get only 55 Lakhs. So HDFC will ROB me of 50% of my savings.

3. PPF allows me to take loan/do a premature withdrawal (after 4 years) without any significant penalties. While in HDFC I do not only lose my interest but also the money I have invested.

4. PPF allows me to set the contribution level based on my financial situation. While HDFC will charge a huge penalty if try to delay/reduce my annual payment.

All these make me wonder WHY on EARTH will I invest in HDFC? But again there is no dearth of fools in the planet.

PS: Although PPF is a 15 year plan, you can extend it in 5 year blocks till your end of life.

We have all heard of fertilizer subsidy, fuel subsidy, LPG subsidy and the PM even mentioned that the 2G scam was also a subsidy. But we now have a new subsidy that is self perpetuating – sex subsidy – also called BPL – which will ensure that generations of Indians will continue to be BPL and produce even more BPL candidates. If someone claims to be BPL and cannot even support himself and needs the government to provide handouts then why should such a person be allowed to marry or even have children? So that more people can be brought into this world who are BPL ab initio and will vote for his caste-wallah neta? So let BPL be given only to those who are single and the moment he gets married or has children, he loses his BPL status. And any children, legal or illegal, will not be entitled to BPL subsidies. This should apply with retrospective effect. Children of BPL will not be eligible for BPL. In one generation we will wipe out BPL. That is the only way to end this vote garnering gimmick at the cost of tax payers. Otherwise BPL will only be a government sponsored sex subsidy scheme.

2.An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.This continued off and on for several weeks.Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ’He lives in a home, with my non stop chatting and nagging wife, he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.Can I come with him tomorrow ? Thanks

I figured out if the net can give me info (and porn) it can surely give me quips. Guess what, I was right! I know this idea sounds lame, but check out www.grouchyrabbit.com and www.dearblankpleaseblank.com. Good laughs in both of them, and if you are particularly crazy about grass, check out www.thathigh.com. Wonder if I should charge these sites for advertising…

Cavemen have given up their freedom for civilization, law and order. Marriage constraints our personal life. Home mortgage EMI takes away our financial freedom, employment bonds/service contracts takes away our professional freedom. Why is it that everyone talks so much of freedom but they part with it so easily? The moment we plan, commit, agree to something we tie ourselves up and give up our freedom.

Hence I think freedom is ability to choose one’s constraints.

01.I’m not chicken. I’m just really hesitant.

02.I’m sorry, Niles, I was afraid you might be trying to get a picture of my butt!

03.How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!

04.You’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger snob in the entire room!

05.I’m not bored, I was simply wondering how long we’ve been sitting here enjoying ourselves.

06.You’re not a child anymore. Now come with me to the bathroom.

07.There’s an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunneling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. If I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem.

08.I took my poor battered heart and offered it to Lilith….who put it in her little food processor and hit the puree button.

09.She’s obviously a little touchy about her age, but it’s not like this is the first time she’s turned forty.

10.I am so tired of your exaggeration! You always make things 50,000 times worse than they are!

11.There are worse things than seeing your career go down the toilet. I could have my hedges cut into unattractive shapes.

12.Oh, I’m sorry. Was I snippy? I didn’t realize that it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

13.And while I agree that washing his hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive-compulsive behavior, bear in mind that your husband is a coroner.

14.I see you’re still waiting on that spine donor.

15.Somebody’s marriage must be on the skids! Somebody’s career must be going badly . . . besides mine.

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock/Clutch of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves, an Army of ants, a Swarm of bees, Troop of monkeys, etc.
Now consider Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? Believe it or not … Congress! Now ‘congress’ is also used to denote that familiar nocturnal activity that results in families. No wonder the country is probably being ‘congressed’?!

Owls, considered wise in western culture, are given the collective noun – ‘Parliament’ – presumably because parliament is a group of wise people. But owls – ie ulus – have a negative image here in India. Now if you translate “parliament of owls” into Hindi – you get “uluon ka sansad”!! Look how the translation also retains the cultural image!

Parliament is famous for forming Committees – that’s the collective noun for vultures! Again so appropriate! Incidentally the various collective nouns for politicians are – FIB, CHAOS, EXPENSE, SHAME & CORRUPTION. Now can Lokpal do anything to a congress of baboons and an uluon ka sansad, before the country gets ‘congressed’ and only the vultures are waiting for the pickings?

The ineptitude of the Congress, with its head half way round the world reveals that it’s nothing but a mama mia cabal, unable to function without hanging on her petticoat. It is an ice-cream pack, party size but wrapped in family size for only one family. And the rot started way back in 1969. Insecure and uncomfortable with those who had their own political base, Indira Gandhi went all out to destroy real Congressmen like Bahuguna, Vasantdada Patil, Jagjivan Ram, etc. Those who were installed in positions of authority were those who had no link whatsoever to the realities on the ground and could only function when the going was good. When the that starts hitting the fan they get mired in their own. And even end up putting their foot in the mouth, some even managing both!

There is not a single senior Congressman with experience in dealing with real politik. They are all political spoons, who cannot even win their own seats. Contrast this with the days of Nehru when CMs like Morarji Desai, CB Gupta, Kamaraj, Mohan Lal Sukhadia, G.B. Pant, R.S.Shukla, B.C.Roy, Srikrishna Sinha, were bosses in their states and even Nehru could not wag a finger at them. Look how with more than 400 MPs and half the country younger than him, Rajiv Gandhi messed up. He had no anubhav. And where is the current Yuvraj – not a peep out of him. Why he is uncomfortable in coming out with his views on the current snafu? And can we expect such an escapist to lead a nation? What happened to the four-headed hydra that is supposed to take decisions?

In some form or the other a Lokpal bill will definitely be passed by Parliament. However this Lokpal is only an apex level investigative authority who will act when a complaint is made. How different he will be from the CVC or CBI or whether the same fate befalls this office remains to be seen. There is no point having an investigative office when the system allows the corrupt and criminals to get in. That drain must be blocked with an effective net – NOTA.

If NOTA gets the highest votes, all candidates in that constituency lose their deposits. If such a candidate wants to again participate in the by-elections, his party will have to bear pro-rata cost of the election. That will solve the cost questions that are always raised. This is for all elections – from Gram Panchayat to Lok Sabha. Once the people know that their vote now really counts, watch the turnover at the polls. We can also progress to voting on the net or even mobile booths. This will solve the inertia problem that now exists and which netas want to continue by making it cumbersome to vote. The idea is to bring the polls to the people and not make people to go to the polls. Once there are a billion Lokpals such a system will be very difficult and costly to subvert – power will be in the hands of the people. The apex Lokpal will have fewer complaints.

It is perhaps the power that NOTA can wield that is making politicians and even the media, which is part of the establishment mafia, keep peculiarly silent on this issue.

The First World War, called the Great War acquired its premier ordinal global status only in 1939 after WW II started. Similarly when, how and why the Great Indian Mutiny aka Sepoy Mutiny acquired the appellation ‘First War of Independence’ is not very clear. But then, which was the second? Why not call it just the War of Independence? It would appear that the Congress wanted its freedom struggle to be ‘recognized’ as the ‘Second War of Independence’ though all-out wars can hardly last more than a few years. The independence ‘struggle’ proper took more than three decades.

Why did the Sepoy Mutiny fail? Compare the current nation-wide participation in the Anna Hazare campaign. The mutiny had no central leadership, identity or plan. Separate uprisings at various places on hearing of similar events elsewhere pursued their own agenda. But the most critical reason is that there was no means of mass communication. Thus the mutiny could not acquire the critical mass required for success. Telegraph came to India only in 1869. Contrast this with the manner the Anna campaign has all means of internal communications and external publicity. Without this it could have never become what it is. If JP had got this publicity in 1975, history would have been different. No wonder the Government wants to clamp down on electronic media. Let alone India, even the world is watching the Second (or is it Third?) War of Independence – with the Government being a very good comedian. Only the heroine is missing.

Fantastic post retirement get rich scam – with media help! Annual newspaper subscription is Rs.149/- . That is just Rs.12/- per month. One month’s raddi is about 3 kg which is Rs.9-10 per kg depending on season. That is 27/- per month giving me a profit of 15/- . A whopping 125%! With 1000 subscriptions it will be 1000/ per day, profit 600/- , or Rs.2,19,000/- pa on an investment of 1,49,000/- Is this taxable? The paper need not reach me – the newspaperwallah will also become a raddiwallah or they can set up business right next to each other. The break-even subscription cost is Rs.324/- per year. At that price, subscription = raddi (@ Rs.9/- per kg, BEP is Rs.360/- @ Rs.10/-) and you get to read a paper free. This is raddimathics, not taught even at Harvard!
Effort – write just one cheque. But will Jayanthi Natarajan approve of all this? Solution – the newspaper publisher will pay me directly with post dated monthly cheques – no need of even printing the paper! A perfect example of a ghost-cum-havala business. Similar business already there – selling IPO abridged prospectus after stripping (financially appropriate!) application form even before issue opens. Is my scam ok, or is it like the joke of a businessman (ethnicity secret to be politically correct) who wanted to print invitations for his daughter’s marriage. Printer quote – 500 cards will cost Rs.10/- each, 1000 will be Rs.8/- each and 5000 will be Rs.6/- each. Ethnically secret man asks printer – how much to order so that it is free?!!

Recently I found a dirty tactic used by Club Mahindra in the Central Mall, Bangalore. They have a pre-paid parking and the patrons are expected to pay for the parking before entering. This enterprising agent would be right next to the collection booth and would ask for your phone number and name. Hence giving an illusion that it is to ensure that the mall authorities could reach you in case of any issue/incident with your car. My friend just happened to peep into the form where he was entering the data to see a small logo of Club Mahindra. He raised a huge issue and tore few of his forms and pamphlets, however I don’t think that would have deterred him from not continuing his pursuit.

Similarly they have a lucky draw scheme in which everybody is a winner. They would say that you have won a 2 nights stay in one of their remote properties. However the fine print translates into the fact that one has to make a reservations atleast 2 months in advance, plus it has to be a week day of the off season. Also they would charge a 1000/- per night for water and electricity (I don’t consume so much water and electricity for the entire month).

In the words of our local escort and guide:

“In today’s world we devote a disproportionately high time in disaster prevention and recovery. However most disasters are usually preceded by major incidents. Major incidents are preceded by incidents -> minor incidents -> Near Misses -> Significant Events -> Events.

However we are so engrossed in firefighting the major incidents that we forget to root cause them. Usually a disaster is a result of series of minor issues that were detected early on, but the people were too busy to address and rectify them.”

Then he went about explaining me the various safety measures deployed and also how every event (no matter how insignificant) is recorded and analyzed. Also how that helps NPCL design better and safer plants etc.

Corporate promotion apart, what I really felt was that this philosophy could be really employed in our everyday life. Rather than trying to locate the last straw that broke the camel’s back, we should really try to do something to the rest of the burden the camel was carrying.

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the beautiful young lady behind the counter (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.”

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. She looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. “Just a minute,” she said, walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

“Do these excite you?” she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. “Well, come on,” she said, “We don’t have much time.”

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and, KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. “Did you put that condom on?” she asked.

I said, “I sure did,” and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me. Women have always been hard for me to figure out!

The recent terrorist attacks and the fact that no information or intelligence is forthcoming from the local Indian Muslim population is indeed a matter that needs to be examined. There was no India/Hindu/Muslim concept till the 19th. century. Many are not aware that Mohammed Ghazni, one of the most reviled persons by some political parties, had an army that was one-third Hindu with half a dozen Brahmin Generals. However history books are doctored to hide this. In the 1430s, King Devaraya II of the Sangama dynasty that ruled Vijayanagar held a council meeting to find out why his army did not do well against the Muslim Bahmani kingdom. The conclusion was that Muslims were not allowed to join his army. He immediately changed the rules. In fact after Ashoka the most renowned ruler of India is definitely Akbar and he never salted away wealth in Islamic countries like “patriotic” Indian leaders today do in Swiss Banks.
The Indian Muslim divide goes back nearly 200 years. It was in 1837 that the British introduced English and removed Persian which was, from around 1300, the official language of the rulers in India. Overnight Muslims became jobless and even powerless and to some extent they felt that the Hindu majority had a role to play in this. The British killed two birds with one stone. One – they brought in their language (which perhaps they may be regretting now) and two they strengthened their divide and rule policy. The seeds of the Muslim League and partition were sown in 1837. The next blunder was made by Mahatma Gandhi. In 1919 when the Caliph was removed he unnecessarily supported the Khilafat movement. Even Islamic nations were not worried about the Caliph. This gave the Indian Muslim an extra-territorial identity, and in the very next year one of the worst communal killings – the Mopallah Rebellion in Kerala took place.
Partition was the next event. Although it is stated that it took place on the basis of religion, the truth is that it was a result of the egos of Nehru and Jinnah. If it was on the basis of religion then it was not clean. Nehru did not want 40 million Muslims to leave India as otherwise Pakistan would have been justified in asking for more territory – ie Kashmir. It was contiguous to Pakistan and had a Muslim majority. But Nehru did not want his Kashmiri Pandits to become refugees, while he hardly was concerned about the Punjabis, Sikhs and Sindhis. We therefore had an unnecessary sham partition. To woo Muslims the “secular” agenda was formulated which became a political vote catching formula. A few castrated posts like President, Vice President etc were also thrown to the minorities. Not a single Muslim officer was recruited into the intelligence forces by the “secular” Congress government from 1947 to 1977. To further strengthen the minority vote bank, at the cost of the country, millions of Bangladeshis were allowed to remain in India as Mujibur Rehman refused to take back anyone who came before 22nd.March 1971. In fact an agreement which was not then revealed was signed. Many state governments bordering gave these refugees ration cards and voter status provided they left that state. The descendants of these refugees could well be the local links for the brains located in Pakistan and Bangladesh. We are seeing the results of all the above in the last 15 years.

RELIGION AND TERRORISM
There seems to be mistaken notion that the link between religion and terrorism is something recent. Far from it. Religious terrorism is as old as religion itself. First there was only one religion – the oldest – Hinduism. Was Hinduism a peace loving religion? Not if you go by its two most well known epics – the Ramayana and the Mahabharata. In both there are wars whose duration and numbers involved were substantial. The next was Judaism. But Hinduism and Judaism were separated by vast distances and it would be interesting to know when they came to know of each others existence. Buddhism, Jainism and Zoroastrianism came about almost simultaneously. While there was probably no religion in Iran then, we do not know whether the birth of Buddhism and Jainism was entirely peaceful.
The non-violent transformation of Hinduism came during Ashoka’s reign. Within 200 years came the first invasion by the Kushans. It was around this time that Christianity came into existence. There is no history to show that there was any organized violence on the basis of religion till 600 AD. In any case Christianity spread to the west – to Europe and did not encounter Hinduism till 1498 AD. It is only after the birth of Islam, whose meager adherents found that everyone beyond Saudi Arabia already had a religion – hence forced conversion to your God was the only method to spread the name of your God. It was the first religion to have a term for “religious war”. And it was to counter Islam that the first religious wars – the Crusades – were fought in the 11th. and 12th. centuries. It was only after Spain and most of Europe was freed from Islam that Christianity started looking for other areas – Asia and the Americas. Unable to counter the Christian kingdoms Islam turned east towards Central Asia and India.
Religions have had strange relationships in the last two wars – Germany had an Islamic ally in the First World War – Turkey and a Buddhist-cum-Shinto ally in the second war – Japan. Germany’s main foes in both wars were all Christian nations. Islamic nations were protected by Christian allies – but that is only because of a new dimension in religonomics – oil. Thus we now have a strange balance – with the militarily and economically strongest being Christian nations who depend on the oil on which Islam literally sits! Both with about 2 billion adherents. India, with its Hindu majority and more Muslims than all Islamic nations except Indonesia (which ironically was once Hindu) and China with Shintoism are the balancing items in this act. Is God laughing?
- T.R.Ramaswami

Why will India never be secure? Because security is a function of discipline and we Indians are the most indisciplined, particularly the law makers and law enforcers. Everyone wants rules for security but would try to avoid following them if it were possible. Here is one simple rule. Let it made compulsory that anyone, starting from the President downwards, who enters a public place – ie railway station, airport, mall, restaurant, shop, public transport, school, college, religious place, public buildings, offices, and certain other designated areas must always have a photo-cum-address identity proof. This can be a driving licence, passport, voter identity card etc. In the case of passport/voter card a photocopy may be sufficient. Let this document be put in a transparent plastic folder and hung around the neck like some companies insist for their employees. The only place where you don’t have to wear this is on the road and in your house. Do this only in the 20 top cities. Too tough? But security is a tough task.
Another aspect of our security is the knee jerk over-reaction after an event. You find gun-toting police everywhere, security metal detecting door-frames installed, frisking, opening of bags, boots of cars etc. In a few days the metal detecting door frames will stop working, the police will disappear and the frisking and opening will reduce to a mere formality. What is required is a sustained, constant, upward moving security drill, with 3-6 months for each stage to be implemented before moving to the next one. With no exceptions. Each one must be announced and implemented with full vigour till the entire process is literally drilled into our psyche and becomes involuntary like breathing. That’s the test of discipline. Let us start by abolishing ALL exceptions to frisking at the airport, including the President, and of course the one and only Robert. Will we have the guts to do this? If not, then don’t even talk about security.

How many blasts have taken place in the last 15 years? – Here is the list which may not be complete but still sufficient – Mumbai (1993), Coimbatore, Lucknow, Jaipur, Varanasi, Mumbai (2006), Malegaon, Hyderabad, Delhi, Kabul, Bangalore, Ahmedabad, New Delhi (2008), Malegaon (2008), Modasa, Assam.
However we find that all the attention has been directed only to the Malegaon blast and we hear nothing about the rest. Why? Because the Malegaon blast was an unsecular blast. All the other blasts were evidently secular according to Secular Maataji, whose temple is said to be located somewhere in New Delhi.

SECULAR HYPOCRISY
Recall how netas and even the media scream that terrorists have no religion. Now how does this tie up with the plea that Mohammed Afzal should not be hanged during Ramzan? Here is a case where the police have been able to produce evidence to convince the court of his guilt. Now letting him go would be a blow to the police. And since he is a man convicted of a terrorist act, ipso facto he has no religion and Ramzan has no meaning for him. If secularism is so important, then why did such considerations not come into play when the Sankaracharyar of Kanchi was arrested on Diwali day, the most auspicious religious festival of Hindus? Evidently secularism is the art of boot-licking the minorities to garner votes.

SUCKULARISM
I write with reference to Mr. Balbir Punj’s article “A 17-year 48-act farce” (Asian Age 4 Dec 2009). Mr Punj is right – Muslims and Christians are able to do in Hindu majority India what they will never be able to do in each other’s country and even in their own country. India is secular not because that word is there in the Constitution but because the majority are Hindus. Secularism has become “suckularism” because certain political parties, particularly the Congress suck up to minority vote banks because they ejaculate votes every five years. Let the Congress answer one question – if Jinnah wanted a separate country for Muslims, as is taught in school history, why were all Muslims not sent to Pakistan? That’s because Nehru was worried that if this was done then Pakistan may have got Kashmir and he did not want his Kashmiri Pandit jathwallahs to become refugees. He did not mind Sikhs, Sindhis and Punjabis being thrown from their lands.

SECULAR RUBBISH
Over the past few days we heard a number of “secular” leaders mouthing inanities like how the “non- secular forces” have been defeated etc. The fact is that no party can claim to be secular, as the country itself is not yet fully secular. Secondly, if the carnage in Gujarat in 2002 was a non-secular act how about the slaughter of Sikhs in 1984. It appears that a Congress slaughter is secular while an RSS/BJP slaughter is non-secular. Incidentally will Mr. Manmohan Singh have the secular courage to ensure that some justice is done to those who lost their relatives in 1984. After all some of the alleged accused are now MPs in his own party.

SECULAR TERRORISM
At last terrorism is also going secular. The media has the courage to use headlines like “Hindu Terrorism”. Perhaps they will soon develop testicles to also write about “Islam Terrorism.” If all Muslims are not terrorists and terrorists do not have any religion then why is this rule also not applicable to Hindus? Maybe because we are secular. There is another aspect regarding the daily and front page publicity given to Col. Purohit. Evidently the ruling party is using it an election propaganda to check the BJP. It is also stated that the netas, bureaucrats and the police are using the issue to keep the armed forces silent on the Pay Commission issue. Perhaps the police and particularly the Mumbai police, which forms the ATS, need to be reminded that it was the army that held its pants up during the police mutiny in 1980. In fact the “coffee-table” book on the Mumbai police does not have one word on this as it would probably spoil the aroma.
But let me state something in defence of Hindu terrorism. I have no objection to the term provided the media also uses the term “Islamic Terrorism.” Looked at from one perspective this country has been subject to Islamic terrorism for more than 1000 years from the days of Ghazni. So what if Hindus have started retaliating? What riles the Islamic world and many Muslims in India is that even after ruling India for more than 600 years they were unable to convert more than 30% – the only country which they could not turn Islamic in entirety. Half of these converts went to Pakistan and Bangladesh. We made the mistake of not having a clean partition on the basis that is taught as history in schools – that Jinnah wanted a separate country for Muslims. If that is so then why are there more Muslims in India? That’s because Nehru did not want all Muslims to go to Pakistan. If they did then Jinnah would have been justified in asking for more land and ideally Kashmir should have been given to Pakistan with ALL Muslims. But Nehru did not want his Pandit jathwallahs to become refugees – which they are now.
To sum up we are paying for the biggest mistake in modern Indian history – that of Nathuram Godse – he shot the wrong man.

SECULARISM, JINNAH AND GANDHI
I write with reference to the letter “Not A Secular” by Mr. Shailesh Kumar (BS 8 July 2005). Mr. Kumar states that Jinnah was not a secularist although he did not want the clerics to have a say in the government. However Mr. Kumar seems to have forgotten that it was Gandhi who gave the Indian Muslim an extra-territorial identity by unnecessarily supporting the Khilafat movement. This incident, sometime in 1919, which involved the Caliph, was not even considered important by several Muslim nations. By this one act Gandhi made the Indian Muslim feel that he was a Muslim first and an Indian second. In fact, soon after came the Moplah rebellion in Kerala when several Hindus were slaughtered. Hence any incident anywhere creates an issue here even if several Muslim nations keep quiet. A case in example – the ban on Salman Rushdie’s novel.
Regarding Jinnah’s violent methods – if we had used violence to fight for our freedom, as advocated by Bose, we would have got it at least 25 years earlier and there would have been no partition. Gandhi’s non-violent method delayed independence and is the main reason for our “soft state” image.

MUSLIMS, INTELLIGENCE AND WAHHABISM
I write with reference to the article “Need to recruit Muslims in Intelligence agencies” by Mr. Mobin Pandit. It may be pertinent to note that from 1947-1977, not a single Muslim was recruited in the higher ranks of the intelligence agencies by the so-called secular Congress government as they were considered “untrustworthy”. This has been revealed in several books by spooks who worked in these agencies. In fact it was Morarji Desai who changed the policy but since he was there only for a year, one wonders whether it was again changed thereafter.
As regards the Wahhabism and the Deoband School, it may be noted that more than 50,000 Indians, concentrated in Bihar and UP have given Arabic as their mother tongue in the census. This is not surprising and the history behind this is intriguing. It goes back to the 16th. century when Naqshbandi Sufism was brought to India by Sheikh Ahmed of Sirhind (1563-1624). Thereafter the lines connect to Syed Ahmad of Rae Barreilly (1786-1831) who was influenced by both Sheikh Waliulah of Delhi and Muhammad ibn Abd-al Wahhab of Nejd, Saudi Arabia. It was Syed Ahmad who was responsible for creating the Three Patna Families, whose descendants/followers are the foremost practitioners of Wahhabism in India. In fact, during British Raj, this group funded and maintained a terrorist group in the Mahbun mountain range, west of the Indus in the present Swat province in Pakistan. This group was called the “Hindustani Fanatics” who were planning a jihad which can only be launched from dar-ul-Islam (land of Faith) on the dar-ul-harb (land of the unfaithful). For more details one should read the superbly chronicled book – God’s Terrorists – The Wahhabi Cult and the Hidden Roots of Modern Jihad – by Charles Allen.

- T.R.Ramaswami

I write with reference to media reports that the High-level probe team into 26/11 events have asked the various senior oficers to explain where they were during the shootout. In this regard I had already sent you a letter a month ago which is below. It is also stated that the bureaucrats are hatching a conspiracy to fudge their whereabouts by supporting each other. I would reqeust the probe-team to also get transcripts of their residential, office and mobile phones for those 60 hours and the location of the mobiles to get to the truth.
I write with reference to the article “Wanted: A minute by minute account” by Govindraj Ethiraj (BS 23rd. December 2008). He has raised very interesting points – could the media tell us in a tabular format, say on a 3-hour basis as to where the top functionaries (?) of the state and the city were during the crucial 60 hours? I recall from media photographs, that one senior lady bureaucrat in a blue sari, was in fact rescued from the Taj. Where did she go thereafter and what role did she play?
Mr. Ethiraj states that news television pressed all resources immediately and stayed there. Would they have stayed if even one stray bullet had hit anyone? Who would have been responsible for such an accident? In fact nowhere in the world would the security forces responsible for the outer perimeter – in this case the Mumbai Police – would have allowed the media so close to the scene of action and broadcast on a real time basis with a shot-by-shot commentary.
- T.R.Ramaswami

The case of the missing “bullet-proof” vest is shooting along and our famous detective, or is it “defective” of the police force (farce?) Shri Hairlock Shome has solved the case – here is the gripping story.
TV Anchor Halka Butt : What has happened to the vest?
Union Home Minister : If the state government and the city police cannot find the vest I am very sorry for that.
Istate Home Minister: Arre, har mahina mere “Home” mein mera vest goom ho jata hai. Woh rail bridge hadsa ka file bhi goom ho gaya. Abhi bridge bhi goom ho saktha hai. Mere khayal mein koi “vested” interest iske peeche hai. Is vest ke peechey itna time aur paisa waste hotha hai. Ek vest goom ho gaya tho doosra contract mein aur ek kharidh lenge. Itna bada shahar mein aisi choti cheez – vest, file, bridge, ithyadhi, ithyadi tho goom ho saktha hai.
DG State Police : The city police does not come under me or report to me.
City Police Commissioner: We have filed an FIR for theft. I have asked DCP Rupa to investigate. She knows all about vests, banians and chaddis.
DCP Rupa : I have put the entire police dog squad to sniff out the vest. They have been sniffing all over the Mahalakshmi dhobi ghat. So far they have been only able to sniff chaddis.
Chief Sarkari Kutha : Bow, bow-wow, bow bow wow. Bow-wow bow-wow bow. Bow wow wow, wow, bow wow.
Translation of above: I smell a rat and shall soon let the cat out of the vest.
- T.R.Ramaswami

All terrorist attacks in India except the Malegaon one are by Muslims. This has been confirmed by no less than a Muslim Minister in the Central Cabinet – Abdul Rehman Antulay. By stating that there was a conspiracy theory because those who were eliminated were investigating the only attack carried out by non-Muslims, he has confirmed that the other attacks were by Muslims. There is no need therefore to be apologetic or secular and state that terrorists have no religion.
However instead of the conspiracy theory it would be more necessary to investigate the “foolishness theory”. Without discounting the contributions made during their careers, let me submit that the three senior police officers died because their training was inadequate and they broke every security protocol possible. What was the Chief of the ATS, essentially a post event investigative body, doing on the ground, chasing terrorists in a jeep? Why were seven men packed, giving no room to manouvre, in a police jeep that can be identified miles away? Why was the best shooter, the one man with the best reflexes and maximum experience in encounters, driving? They were aware that the terrorists had AK-47s. What did they have? You cannot counter superior weapons unless you have a 4 or 6 times number of people. When you are inferior in weapons and number the only way to counter the opposition is to split so that the terrorists have to watch a wider range. With so many tactical errors it is no surprise that they were eliminated and in fact they did not even have time to draw their weapons, while the terrorists were able to pump three bullets into each. Television images show Karkare trying on a helmet, finding it unsuitable and removing it. Was he wearing one when he was hit? Unlikely.
Many are right stating that these were brave men. Yes, but what is bravery? Like all human attributes, bravery is a mixture of several ingredients – ego, foolishness, ignorance, desperation, etc. Your brain undergoes a chemical transformation that disables logical thinking. A “brave” man jumps in an enemy pillbox and eliminates 10 enemy soldiers. But the truth could be that he thought there were only 3. Would he have jumped in if there were 10? That’s why the army does not take into account your gallantry awards for promotion. There is also another maxim in the army – the bravest of deeds sometimes have no witnesses.
- T.R.Ramaswami

I write with reference to your editorial “Chidambaram’s Proposals” (BS 28 December 2008). The proposals are nothing but a rehashed version on what the US did after 26/11. Faced with the problem that the FBI, CIA, NSC etc had different objectives and did not talk to each other, the US created the TTIC – Terrorist Threat Integration Centre. However post 26/11 the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, headed by Senator Richard Shelby, made some important statements that Mr. Chidambaram may do well to consider. The report, inter alia stated – the FBI has deeply entrenched mind sets that prize the production of evidence supported narratives over the drawing of probabilistic inferences based on incomplete and fragmentary information …..Law enforcement agencies just think differently from intelligence organisations…….Intelligence analysts would doubtless make poor policemen and it has become very clear that policemen make poor intelligence analysts.

Our IB and RAW consists of more than 80% IPS officers at levels higher than Assistant Director, and many of the deputationists are those who do not want to do routine police work or have been sent to these bodies because the state government does not want them. Intelligence aptitude is not their forte or even a criteria. However having spent time in the IPS they have become personal adjuncts of the government in power, keeping watch over opposition moves, helping in toppling governments and even funding the purchase of MPs/MLAs sequestered in their safe houses from the secret budgets they have. What security and intelligence the country can get from such outfits is a moot point. However to be fair it must also be stated that an intelligence body is the only one where failures become public but it cannot publicise its successes as that would alert the other side and may lead to more failures! A real Catch-22 if there was ever one.
In a recent TV interview Mr. Chidambaram slammed the state governments for not giving a tenure to key officials and admitted he could do nothing. Can he at least start with his own Congress state governments? And how about denying central police support for those who do heed to the Centre’s advisories. Other wise it appears that the Union Home Minister’s writ runs only over New Delhi, some central police organizations and the IB and RAW.

- T.R.Ramaswami

I write with reference to the article “Fighting Terrorism: Time for Deeds, Not Words” by Vice Admiral (Retd) Arun Kumar Singh. He has stated that not a single Home Minister or Home Secretary or the NSA, IB or RAW Chiefs have even offered to resign after terrorist attacks that reveal a signal failure of intelligence. The fact is that these bodies have ceased to instruments of national security. Why should these chiefs resign? Every government from Nehru to Manmohan Singh has misused them for purposes other than what they are supposed to be doing. So they have lost the credibility to sack any of these officers. Let alone resignations, all these chiefs are after retirement made governors or some other ministerial level appointment to reward them for the good work done, not for the country but for the party and the individuals therein. None of these bodies are accountable to anyone except the PM and there isn’t even a Parliamentary Oversight Committee. No party or politician wants this because they also want to misuse these organizations when they come to power. How will you otherwise win a trust vote that requires safe houses and a secret budget?
The establishment mafia has ensured their own security at our cost and is least concerned if a few aam aadmis are victims. Contrast the reaction for these bomb blasts with that when Parliament was attacked and the entire western army was mobilized to satisfy the egos of our MPs. 400 army personnel died with not a single shot being fired by Pakistan. In fact even the identities of the attackers have not been made public leading many to justifiably believe that it was a stage managed affair. That’s why there is a hesitation in hanging Afzal Guru.
The media too is equally guilty as it has shied away from asking these questions.

- T.R.Ramaswami

Here are some terror quiz questions. What is it that has killed more people than the atom bomb, the bubonic plague, malaria and all the earthquakes in the world? What is common to the killing of Anwar Sadat, Carlo Alberto, Nicholas Ceausescu and Salvador Allende? It is the Kalashnikov rifle more popularly known as the AK-47. It never jams, can fire even when filled with dirt or wet and has a trigger that even a kid can pull. It can turn a bunch of schoolboys into a veritable terror force. In fact the cost of the AK-47 has become the inverse index of violations of human rights. The less the cost the more the violations. How much does an AK-47 cost? As much (or as little, if you prefer it) as $50 in Western Africa. In places like Yemen you can get a second hand weapon for $6!! It has become so ubiquitous that it has found a place on a country’s flag – Mozambique. Want to know more about it and the world of terror, drugs, illegal and spurious goods and even toxic waste? Read Gomorrah – Italy’s Other Mafia – by Roberto Saviano. The author has been accorded state security after the book was released.
- T.R.Ramaswami

I wonder if there is a way I could have the best of both the worlds.

His stance was: As time passes you need higher insurance cover.

While my stance was: As time passes you need lesser insurance cover.

Even after a lot of brainstorming and even exchanging excel files, we both think we are right. Hence I decided to publish the gist of the debate.

My logic: Your ideal insurance cover is the net present value of the all the expenses your family (sans you) would incur in the foreseen future. (Say next 70 years) One should deduct the wealth one already owns/would inherit and the future income from your spouse’s occupation/business. By this logic, every extra year you live and provide for the family this value would decrease (because now only the next 69 years have to be accounted for). Also you would save some capital and build some assets for the rainy day which would again reduce the value of the cover required.

So effectively one would require a very high insurance cover at the beginning of family life which would taper down gradually to zero by the retirement year.

His stance: Lifestyle is downward sticky. As your income and wealth grows, so does one’s standard of living. A refrigerator might be a luxury for the middle class 20 years ago, but now a bare necessity. So the luxuries and habits of individuals tend to move up as time elapses and it is very hard for someone to go back to the age old Spartan days.

This compounded by inflation results in rupee losing nine tenth of its value every 20 years results in one needing to increase the insurance cover each year. Simply said there is never enough of money and people would even find ways to spend kuber ka khajana (with a sly reference to the recent treasure found in a Kerela temple)

The most celebrated one being the 51 page report from the Canadian research firm Veritas analyzing Reliance Communications and RIL. He has highlighted various instances (with factual data) of accounting fraud and suspicious issue of share/ownership. Please google and try to go through a copy of this report. (I don’t have distribution rights)

Then Firstpost (TV 18) took a dig against Reliance Ports and Terminals (RPTL) and Reliance Gas Transportation and Infrastructure (RGTIL). Both firms are privately owned and have a bare minimum equity capital of 5Lakhs (lowest possible as per govt regulations). Yet for their operations they have secured over 3,500 Crore debt (and bank guarantees) from RIL. Also not to mention lucrative long term contract with RIL to ensure steady revenue. Hence effectively all the risk of ownership/non-performance is transferred to RIL while the gains would be cornered by Mukesh (who has invested a bare minimum 5 Lakhs into the company).

Have you ever wondered why all of a sudden everybody is after Reliance?

Well answer is simple Reliance Industries was founded with almost no capital from its legendary founder. Over the years through IPO/FPO, mergers, convertible debentures (both public and private) the equity base has grown substantially. So the only way the promoters could preserve their ownership and position in the board was by secretly and clandestinely issuing shares to itself and almost zero costs.

Interestingly most people are aware of this fact, but till recently they did not care. Simply because, RIL traditionally made a lot of money for its common stock holders. So who cares how much the Ambanis make as long as you were getting more than you had dreamed off. However over the past 10 years the stock has consistently under-performed and Ambanis haven’t stopped fudging their books of accounts. Hence the public outrage.

BTW if you still believe that there is some element of truth in Reliance’s financial statements, then consider this:

One of the basic elements of corporate governance is having your books scrutinized by independent auditors. Although Satyam and PWC fiasco has proved that even the Big 4 auditors are not entirely an unbiased and shareholder friendly, but still Reliance has taken it totally different extremes.

Reliance auditors work *exclusively* for RIL and till recently operated out of Reliance Industries’ premises.

Don’t believe me, then check out: http://www.cas.ind.in/clients.html and http://www.rajendraco.com/aboutus.htm These auditors need to work hand in hand with the promoters in order to bring food to the table.

1. Premium: On a 30 year plan, even a small 100/- difference in premium would impact your total premium paid by 3,000/- rupees (1,050/- in present value terms). Hence this is the most important criteria. In ULIP/Endowment/investment cum insurance plan 3 aspects are mixed together. A. Return on Assets, b: Fund management fees and c. insurance premium. Most companies make their policies so confusing that one could not isolate the 3. But luckily a term insurance can allow you to isolate the 3 charges and find the best deal.

2. List of exclusions: Only if you know how you would die, life would be so simple; you could simply avoid that situation all together and live forever. Jokes apart, none of us know when and how we are going to die and we don’t want to leave our spouses and family in financial distress. Here comes the conflict of interest. Most insurance brokers/agents will not highlight what is covered and what is not. What more is that if you ask for a list of policy exclusions they would say that they will get back to you, which they never will. Aviva (i-life), Birla Sun life (protector plan) and Aegon Religare (i-term) insurance companies don’t attach any major exclusion. ICICI (i-protect) has several exclusions hence I would avoid it. The most important exclusions to look for are SARS and other epidemic diseases, terrorist attacks, civil commotion/unrest/war, death on foreign soil. No matter how farfetched your broker tells you these situations are, they are very real. By IRDA law, suicide after first year is covered under all policies. Some exclusion I won’t worry about would be death while engaging in illegal activities, dangerous recreational sports.

3. Riders: Critical illness is a very important rider because a prolonged terminal illness can induce a lot of financial distress for the family. Accident rider is a stupid rider and just a means for the insurance company to mint money. Reason behind is that to get paid under this clause death has to occur due to a very narrow spectrum of causes, violent and sudden. So effectively, unlike prolonged critical illness, the family does not have to inherit a huge unpaid medical expenses bill. Hence making it unnecessary and useless.

4. Inflation protection: Birla protector plan has a unique feature which allows the sum assured to increase year over year at a 5% or a 10% rate. The premium for this plan is higher, but the best part is that a 50,00,000/- sum assured after 30 years of 10% inflation becomes 793,15,465 /-, while the premium is only slightly higher. Considering that as you grow old, your mortality rate goes up, this could be a really cost effective way of getting a huge cover at a small price.

5. Track record of insurance company: Go to IRDA website, in their annual report (2009-10) they have summarized the performance metrics of all the insurance companies. Statement 12 has a table of individual death claims.

6. BEWARE OF FRAUD: Insurance agents are notorious for mis-selling. Hence no matter what always go to the company website and read the fine print. Remember you are entering into a 30 year contract in which you have to pay every year. If you smell something fishy, walk away there are just too many insurance companies ready to take your business.

7. Buy term insurance when you think you need it. Agent would always like you to buy insurance NOW by saying that next year your premium will go up, but it is a lie. NPV of a 30 year plan bought in 2012 is always higher than an NPV of a 29 year plan bought in 2013. (if you don’t believe me download a premium calculator tool from the insurance website and calculate it yourself) BTW over the past 5 years, due to increased competition the insurance premiums for term plan have been only coming down.

8. Your agent would always like to cross sell you some other product, because term insurance is a commodity and since the premium is too low, it does not generate much commission income for him. But don’t be dissuaded. Check online, visit the company’s website. Many companies sell term insurance exclusively online.

9. Ideal cover: Outstanding home/other loans + some money (say 5L) to cover for the outstanding medical bills that you would have incurred during your last days + some money for college education for your kids + living expenses that your family would incur (reduce it by the amount spend on you). Also if your spouse is working you can reduce your insurance substantially because sans house rent, your spouse income (no matter how meager) can cover the living expenses. Also deduct your inheritance and value of assets you own from the insurance cover calculations. Remember the premium might be low, but it does not mean that you have to sacrifice your present to pay for a huge insurance cover that your family would never need. Just make it big enough that your obligations towards family are met.

Remember: a portfolio of a term insurance and a good investment (bond, mutual funds, stocks etc.) will always out perform a insurance cum investment combined product and will not have the restrictions of heavy exit loads, lock in, asset management fee etc.

For a long time I have been debating between Birla Sunlife protector plan (with 10% inflation protection) and aviva’s i-life plan. Finally I have gone ahead and booked Aviva’s i-life plan.
PS: I am not a certified insurance selling agent. So please consult your financial adviser.

these are not significant discounts, but again i am looking for discounts on products that i am going to use anyways.

Even now the Mumbai Police has not learnt from 26/11. There was severe criticism whether the DGP or the Commissioner was responsible. Now we have a DG (Operations) in the DGP’s office and the ATS Chief now has to report to him and the Commissioner Mumbai Police. More confusion. The Government has also pulled the wool over the eyes of the public and the Courts by appointing the DGP who failed on 26/11 as Acting DG. Now there is very little difference and he may continue “acting” till his date of retirement in a few months. Now how long can someone “act” – is this the police or Bollywood? Perhaps the media needs to also look at the various police top officials in the Mumbai Police who have nothing to do. There is a DG Home Guards who also has an ADG under him. They have no other officers and only part time factory workers etc who function as guards. Why a DG and an ADG here?
- T.R.Ramaswami

How did the bombers sneek in and place bombs all over the place with impunity? Because the Intelligence Bureau was perhaps busy in ensuring the “security” of the government and fixing MPs before the trust vote. This is a fact as even the media has mentioned and publicly congratulated the efforts of the Director, PC Haldar. Is this what the IB is for? And the security agencies know that even if they catch anyone nothing will happen as every politician is looking for minority votes and even more so now since the next elections are not far off. That’s why not a single Home Minister has been sent home or the Chief of the security agencies been sacked. In fact many have become Governors/Ministerial Positions etc for the “good” work done. Historically, it was Ashoka who made us intolerably tolerant. Later this non-violent cult was politicised by Gandhi. Our interpretation of “secularism” in the Constitution has made us a weak and servile nation. That’s why we have had at least 15 serial bombing incidents in as many years. Look at the US, London and Madrid. After the incidents there no one has managed another. How? Because they have caught and kicked the terrorists.
- T.R.Ramaswami

That’s what we should call our security because it sucks. The other day I drove into the multi-storey parking lot at Inox, Nariman Point. I was asked for my licence and they also opened the boot of the car. After parking the car I took the lift down and walked out of the mall with my brief case. No checking because I was walking out. Then on my return I was asked to open the brief case and I was also frisked/ checked by the metal detector. But no one checked the brief case or the inside of the car when I drove into the complex! What is this half-baked security? The problem is that we think that putting a uniform on an illiterate, installing metal detecting door frames and frisking people is security. There is a lot more intelligence needed even at the ground level. Let me recount a story.
A man used to walk out of a factory everyday on his cycle with a sack. Everyday the sack was checked thoroughly. This continued for more than three months but nothing was found. One day the factory owner told him – Look, I know that you are doing something wrong but I can’t find out. Let me know and I will make you security chief. The man said – I was stealing cycles.
- T.R.Ramaswami

We have been accusing Pakistan of facilitating state sponsored terrorism in India and have also solicited the help of the US. The US of course is now putting its weight on Pakistan to end terrorism not in India but in Afghanistan, because that is where its troops are. But here is a list of earlier “state sponsored terrorism” events which many seem to have forgotten:
The assistance to the Shah of Iran in deposing Prime Minister Mossadegh.
Bringing down the elected government in Guatemala
Rigging the election in Lebanon in 1957, whose effects are still being heard.
Assasination of Patrice Lumumba of Zaire in 1961. It is also rumoured that the plane crash that killed the then UN Secretary General, Dag Hammarskjöld was engineered by the secret services of the same country.
Repeated attempts to kill Fidel Castro of Cuba.
Bringing down the elected government in Chile.
Dislike and attempts to oust Hugo Chavez of Venezuela.
Support to dictators and sheikhs of oil rich countries, as long as they toe the line.
Which is this country? No prizes for guessing. Maybe now that the epidermis of the President has changed colour some of the guilt may be expiated?
- T.R.Ramaswami

—-
Ankur Aggarwal:
I wrote a post some time back: http://enagar.com/2005/06/09/india-is-a-peace-loving-nation/
I guess each country tries to define its zone of influence and plays all sorts of nasty games in there to maintain its dominance.

http://www.economist.com/node/18956086

2. Put option: Most infrastructure bonds seem to have a put option. I.e. if the interest rate goes up, then you can encash the bonds and reinvest the proceeds at the prevailing rates. So it is a hedge against rising interest rates. Fixed deposits are popular because the investor can encash them whenever they want. Most bonds don’t offer this flexible put option, but it is a good to have feature in any bond.

3. Call Options: Unlike the Put option, the Call option gives the issuer the right to recall all the bonds from the market. This can never be good for you, because it exposes you to reinvestment risk. i.e. interest rates have fallen and you now end up with money that can only be invested in bonds that offer a fraction of the interest rates. However because of the administrative and bond issuance cost, it does not become economical for companies to exercise this option for <1% difference in rates. (so that is the only relief you get)

Being the last article in the Bond lecture, I would consider myself successful if now you realize investing in bonds (or fixed income securities) is more than just getting the highest interest rates.

1. If you believe that the interest rate would fall in the future, then go for the longer duration bonds. This way you can capture the maximum value.
2. If you believe that there will not be sufficient liquidity on your bonds or the credit rating of the issuer might deteriorate over time then go for the right duration only (in fact I might even go for a shorter duration)
3. If you are not into trading and know when you would need your money back then this simple calculation can be of use.

Eg: IFCI was the last firm to issue bonds. It offered 2 options 10.5% on a 10 year bond and 10.75% on a 15 year bond. For simplicity let me assume that it is a cumulative bond.

So a 15 year bond would mature at 46,255/- (10,000/- face value)

While a 10 year bond would mature at 27,141/-. So by keeping the money for 5 additional years, you can multiply your money by (46/27) = 1.7 times. 11.25% interest (compounded annually) for the remainder 5 years. (Similar computations can be done for coupon bearing bonds but it would require some excel work)

I know in this example I am fiddling with the 8th wonder of the world (Power of Financial Compounding), but you get the gist. One might think that an extra 25 basis points might not be too big an enticement to lock oneself into a 15 year term. However if you do an incremental analysis, that 25 basis points become 75 basis points. This is something worth considering. Also it would provide certain protection in case the interest rates go up. (however remember you are not completely hedged, and can incur a loss if the interest rate goes up too much)

What is more interesting is that in case of bonds with put option, longer duration bonds tend to have a different put schedule. So if the interest rates goes down substantially then the put option would be exercised later hence giving you a chance to make the most of the situation.

Gist: If the interest rates stay the same/move downwards, then its best to go for a longer duration bond (provided it has liquidity) else try to match the duration with your investment cycle.

It is intriguing that terrorists are being identified by too many adjectives – “British Muslims of Pakistani origin”. Now should a terrorist be identified by his nationality or religion? And if it is nationality, should it be the present one or the past or even that of his parents, assuming that he held no other citizenship? Why does the media mix nationality with religion – because it suits the western media and even sections of the Indian media to do so. Why not just say that the terrorists were Muslims – regardless of nationality- or that they are British – regardless of his religion or past nationality? That would be really interesting, provided the media has the courage.
In fact if we carry this analogy a little further – are not all Pakistanis and hence the terrorists who come from there of Indian origin?

TERRORISTS AND RELIGION
Remember the often repeated cliché that terrorists have no religion? Then why should the Government have a cease fire agreement during Ramzan, as reported in the media? Let us tell the Hizbul Mujahideen and other groups that there will be no cease-fire as Muslims themselves have said that terrorists have no religion. Hence Ramzan should not matter to them. If we accede to their request then we are hypocrites. Perhaps there may be more attacks on places of worship of other religions but wouldn’t that tell us who the terrorists are? Will the Government show some spunk at least now?
- T.R.Ramaswami