ENagar

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy’s response is hilarious, but read The State’s letter before you get to the response letter.

State of Pennsylvania ’s letter to Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood ‘debris’ dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials ‘debris.’
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the damed stream ‘restored’ to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers — but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007 ? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

29 ~ The advertised age of a woman in her late 30’s.

39 ~ The advertised age of a woman in her early 50’s.

Athletic ~ Term used by people who have been to the gym once in the previous calendar year.

Attraction ~ the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

Average ~ A term referring to someone’s weight if they are within four sigmas of the middle of the bell curve.

BBW, “Big Beautiful Woman” ~ A term used by women who have discovered that it’s easier to euphemize than it is to hire a personal trainer.

Birth Control ~ avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

Cheating ~ Having a 1979 issue of Playboy somewhere in the house.

Curvy ~ What a woman who is at least 40 pounds overweight calls herself.

Dating ~ the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

E-mail ~ Form of internet communication that is intended to be deleted without a reply.

Easy ~ a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

Eye Contact ~ a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

Friend ~ a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

Game-playing ~ Failing to decide halfway through the first date to be in an exclusive relationship.

Indifference ~ a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be “playing hard to get”.

Interesting ~ a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

Irritating Habit ~ what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

Law of Relativity ~ how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Love at First Sight ~ what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

Love Handles ~ What men call the rolls of fat that obscure their belts.

Nymphomaniac ~ a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

Phone Number ~ A random string of numbers a woman gives a man to get rid of him.

Player ~ Term referring to any man who has decided, after one or two dates in which sex may or may not have been involved, not to pursue a relationship with the person using the term (see “slut”).

“Prefer Not to Say” ~ A term that warns people to assume the worst.

Slut ~ Term referring to any woman who has decided, after one or two dates in which sex may or may not have been involved, not to pursue a relationship with the person using the term (see “player”).

Sober ~ condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Stud ~ What a man calls himself when he just had his first date in two years.

Arguing with your boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud: after a while you realize that, while you’re getting dirty, the pig’s actually enjoying it!

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.

“I’ m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” he answered. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop.. but at the bar. You know, they have frozen glasses. “

He didn’t get to finish the sentence because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer - so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious. I won’t be long. I’ll be right back, I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

“But my sweet honey at the bar you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that.”

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FRICKIN’ BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DAMNED HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A BAR… THAT SHIT’S OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?”

And they lived happily ever after Isn’t that a sweet story?

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?”, they asked. Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project” said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table
and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

“Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.” “We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”
“What did you watch?” asked Marsha. ‘The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I’m ashamed of you Son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.” The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!” The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

A guy walks into the bar and orders 9 shots of tequila. So the bartender pours nine shots and the man downs one after the other.

“Holy shit!” the bartender exclaims “That the most tequila I’ve ever seen anyone drink that fast before - what’s the occasion?”

“My first blow job” the man announces quite plainly.

“Well” the bartender replies “let me buy you another!”

“Listen, if 9 doesn’t take the taste out of my mouth, another one won’t help.”

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert Heinlein

Sex is emotion in motion. ~ Mae West

Sex relieves tension - love causes it. ~ Woody Allen

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus. ~ Bob Rubin

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast. ~ Woody Allen

The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently. ~ Margaret Smith

Men get laid, but women get screwed. ~ Quentin Crisp

Sex. In America an obsession. In other parts of the world a fact. ~ Marlene Dietrich

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute. ~ Author Unknown

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Butch Hancock

To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. ~ Don Schrader

Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off. ~ Author Unknown

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. ~ Mark Twain

We all worry about the population explosion, but we don’t worry about it at the right time. ~ Arthur Hoppe

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. ~ Woody Allen

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. ~ Elton John

When a guy goes to a hooker, he’s not paying her for sex, he’s paying her to leave. ~ Author Unknown

The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to get dressed up for it. ~ Truman Capote

A dirty book is rarely dusty. ~ Author Unknown

I think I could fall madly in bed with you. ~ Author Unknown

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t! ~ George Bernard Shaw

Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped. ~ Author Unknown

Don’t knock masturbation - it’s sex with someone I love. ~ Woody Allen

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ~ Frederike Ryder

Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time. ~ Author Unknown

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? ~ Murray Banks

Tell him I’ve been too fucking busy - or vice versa. ~ Dorothy Parker

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. ~ Jay McInerney

An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets. ~ Author Unknown

A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: “Because everything does.” ~ Honor Tracy

Sex is interesting, but it’s not totally important. I mean it’s not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement. ~ Charles Bukowski

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. ~ Matt Groening

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. ~ P.J. O’Rourke

A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. ~ Karl Kraus

To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it. ~ Cary Grant

My message to the businessman of this country when they go abroad on business is that there is one thing above all they can take with them to stop them catching AIDS, and that is the wife. ~ Edwina Currie

I’d like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he’s working on now.
~ Author Unknown

The common thread that binds nearly all animal species seems to be that males are willing to abandon all sense and decorum, even to risk their lives, in the frantic quest for sex. ~ Randy Thornhill and Craig T. Palmer

Somehow it seems that my stomach is sensitive to hygienic food. I eat all sorts of crap (including food from roadside stalls and from my office cafeteria). Sometimes when I travel, I have to eat food whose name I cannot even pronounce, yet I rarely get stomach upset. However, everytime within 24 hours of my visiting my parents house, I get a stomach upset. Usually its loose motions, but recently its also accompanied by food poisoning.
The strangest thing is that the same food is eaten regularly the rest of the members of the family (that also includes my grand parents who are in their late 80s) and they never get ill. My mother cooks real hygienic food and also does not deep fry or add too much of ghee in my meals. I used to enjoy it during my childhood, but now it seems like my stomach cannot tolerate it any more.

My mother has a conspiracy theory that I am allergic to Hygienic environment. What do you think it is?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his company in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time to present the present A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind in the kite.

1 Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’

I don’t know how many of you follow the UEFA cup 2008.  But here is one thing that made me wonder.

The World cup takes place every four years.  And so does the UEFA cup.  The two tournaments are planned such a way that in every two years, one of them takes place.

Football is probably comparable to the amount of Money that flows into the game.  There are umpteen number of sponsors.  Considering the fact that there are 16 countries that have qualified for the game, one can imagine the number of sponsors.

But, during the game, there is not even a single commerical Break.

Probably because there is no time for a commercial break.  But one could always come up with a commercial or two between player changes, fouls etc.,

Why can’t the same stand be adopted when broadcasting cricket too?  One could really enjoy the game then.  Right?