The Gay Purse Theorem

I didn’t make any publications, appeared in journals etc. during my academic years but I did come up with some theorems. Not the kind which will be a part of a hypothesis, and certainly not a part of any curriculum, but the kind you come up with when the combination of sleep depravedness and a little too much scotch hits your brain. Well, I am presenting the first of them – the gay purse theorem.

It so happened that one of my close friends and I were out shopping for his significant other as a welcome-to-Lucknow gift. It was her first visit to the city, and my friend wanted to be a gentleman for a change. He didn’t want to go alone for the shopping, so he asked me to tag along. Being the cheap bastard I have always been, I agreed to go only after he promised to get me a couple of drinks at the nearby pub. Now all said and done, when a guy shops for clothes or accessories, the only thing which stops him from selecting an item is the fact that it did not fit him. Not so much for gals. So when we arrived at the ladies section of a big, posh, departmental chain store, the realization hit us. No matter what we would pick, it wouldn’t be up-to-the-mark in her eyes. We would definitely score ‘A’ for effort, but the end result would be zero. So we decided to retire to the aforementioned pub and think. Of course, we had a moment of clarity about an hour later, so we went back to the store with our new theorem.

So, what our theorem states is this – In order to see what accessory suits your better half, you try it on yourself (hopefully, not in public eyes). The gayer you look with it, the better she will look in it. Your friend cannot try it for you because she is with you, not with him. Armed with this new revelation, we went forward and tried its practical application. As my friend tried on one purse after another, I gave him the necessary comments – “Gay…Very gay…ehh, not so gay…wow that is gay…ok gay.”

Turns out that the theorem was correct. My friend later reported me with its success. Sure beats getting published in a journal any day!!

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Dentist and Ice-Cream Parlor

As a child, I actually used to wait for my 6monthly visit to the dentist. Reason: A trip to the ice-cream parlor immediately afterwards was the deal I had made with my parents. Even my dentist used to recommend it, because it was cold which soothes the swollen gums after the treatment and also is loaded with calories so it’s the best substitute for the liquid diet that is recommended after any dental procedure.

20 years ago there were not many ice-cream corporate chains, but still the owners were wise enough to know that it makes sense to open a store right next to the dental clinic. However in Bangalore that’s not the case anymore, I even don’t see any billboard/pamphlet directing me in the right direction. I wonder why? Is it a connection that is unique for me and does not work for the masses or the big marketing analytics team have overlooked the aspect.

I always believe that parents secretly feel guilty for forcing their kids to visit a doctor/dentist. Hence after the visit they are ready to reward the kids with anything!!