Most people are looking for a loving and caring equal. Someone who not only understands them but complements them and make them feel whole. While an abuser is dreaming of having a woman that meets all of his needs, is beautiful at all times of day and night, has no needs of her own and is in awe of his brilliance and charm. He desires a woman who will cater to him and never complain about anything he does or darken his day with frustrations or unhappiness about her own life. Although abuse of a woman is not the goal, control certainly is. He then finds himself using abuse to gain the control he feels he has the right to. In short the need is there to have a doormat, a fixture in the wall, a trophy wife, the needs, desires and sometimes even the life of the person is of no consequence.
Abuser is not a monster; they are dark individuals that take pleasure in manipulating others often for no reason whatsoever. Some even hide behind religion, cultural notions of male role model, breadwinner or guilt of their spouses to feed their dark fantasies. Many of them were bullied or made feel inadequate repeatedly during their early development and oppressing is their way of coming back. By the time they grow up, the boiling unmet needs and wrong role models send them into an automatic mode. No wonder such men are usually very possessive and jealous. You are not treated as a fellow human but as a collectable, a property that they own. I am OK with pain, hardship or not getting what one deserves, but being subjected to ridicule and cruelty for no reason confuses me.
Many of them will pamper you, shower with gifts and generosities to the extent that it will make you feel uncomfortable. Just like a lamb is fattened before slaughter, you are being made to feel obliged to comply in whatever unreasonable demands that follows. Some will encourage you to share their past, any mistakes ones has done or things you are ashamed of. They give you a false sense of comfort to share, but unlike a life-partner they will use it against you. They will feed off your vulnerability, manipulate you and sometimes even force you to do things that cause you to lose any iota of self-respect and dignity you have left. A sense of obligation & guilt trap are two tools whose net you will never be able to break free from. You would be made aware and conscious of any defects in your hair, body, breasts, height or any other deficiencies that they find to kill your self-confidence away. There is a lot of damage a partner can do without ever getting verbal or physical and they will exploit every trick in the book.
Nothing will ever be their fault. They might have a string of past relationship, but all of them only would leave them bitterer than before. They have not learned anything from them, and yet demand you to worship them as god’s gift to mankind. You will be repeatedly reminded of your deficiencies or aging, but the same rule does not apply to them. Sometimes when valid reasons or pretext are exhausted, you would be made accountable for their failings in professional life and in the society. Most abusers are jealous, insecure and possessive. They will try to limit your contact with the outside word and might hit you if someone else even smiles at you.
Forget the sweet stuff that was said during the courtship, the only escape to the harsh realities of the day would be when visiting guest. He will be sweetest and most caring person in the world. This is done only to discredit you if you ever complained. All the people will think see how caring, rich & successful he is. Look at the expensive jewelry, gifts, exotic vacations he has showered you with. Nobody will believe that you are used as a mere sex doll. Required, forced or even raped into giving a fellatio and analingus at the snap of his fingertips. After the act, you are expected to curl up into a ball and disappear in a closet of something. A lot of mental conditioning
Forget the words like consensual or willingly. In a relationship we often give a lot of power and control to our partners. Some can misuse this power to harm you or even brainwash you into losing your self-respect. The question one needs to ask is: “Are you better off without him?” A healthy relationship allows the partners to share their thoughts and desires freely without the fear of being judged or ridiculed publicly. They prosper mentally, emotionally and physically during their partnership rather than taking pleasure on degrading, ridiculing, manipulating & controlling their partners. You will never develop the same level of trust with a self-centered pompous ass.
It is very hard to walk away from an abusive relationship. Some people equate walking away as writing off all the years they have invested in the relationship. They don’t realize that that time is past and will only give him more ammunition to tighten his fist around your throat. The fear of what friends, family and society will say only makes you more committed in hoping that he will see err in his means and turn into a new leaf. Such miraculous transformations happen more often in fiction. Things are worse if you have kids, joint property or social/family obligations to consider before you take a decision. However as Lord Shiva says, we need to unshackle ourselves from the legacy, the waste and corruption before we can take rebirth as new.