The First Time

Laughed real hard at this e-mail forward –

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the beautiful young lady behind the counter (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, “No, this is my first time.”

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. She looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. “Just a minute,” she said, walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

“Do these excite you?” she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. “Well, come on,” she said, “We don’t have much time.”

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and, KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. “Did you put that condom on?” she asked.

I said, “I sure did,” and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me. Women have always been hard for me to figure out!

bank deposits

Years ago, an old Native American wanted to borrow $500.
The banker asked him, “What are you going to do with the money?”
“Take jewelry to city and sell it.”
“What do you have for collateral?”
“Don’t know ‘collateral.'”
“That’s something of value that worth more than the loan. Do you have a vehicle?”
“Yes. 1949 pickup.”
The banker shook his head. “What about livestock?”
“Yes. A horse.”
“How old?”
“Don’t know. No teeth.”
Eventually, the banker decided to make the loan anyway. A few weeks later, the man returned to the bank with a roll of bills. “Here to pay,” he said, as he peeled off a few bills to pay off his loan.
“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?” asked the banker.
“Put in tepee.”
“Why not deposit it in my bank?”
“Don’t know ‘deposit.'”
“That means you give us your money and we take care of it for you. When you need it, you can withdraw it.”
The old Indian leaned across the desk, “What you got for collateral?”

film stars in BPO

This is what will happen if the Bollywood manned our call centers.

Amithabh: Thank you for calling customer care…
rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hian filhaal ek customer care rep hain…
Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER
Amithabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere
baap ko chor kaha tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao

jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh

likh diya tha… uske baad uske baad mere bhai..
Tum jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga..

Dharmendra: Thank you for
callllllliiiiingggg…..
Customer: I need help
Dharmendra: main aaraahoon maa…
Customer: I am unable to use your
product… its waste and worthless
Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon peejaaonga..
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke
saamne nahi naachna

Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya
hai…
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh… seedhi tarah bolde issue
kya hai warna… haaaaaaaaa!!!

Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer: I lost my invoice
Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein
phaile hue hain miljayegi hum angrezon ke zamaane ke rep

hain..haahhaaa

Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye….
Customer: hi
Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko ….tumko kya
problem hai
Customer : I have not received my product
Kestu Mukherji : To saale (hicup) main kya karoon..
Police mien report likha…

Bindu: Shabnam naam hai mera… pyar se log shabbo
bolte hain..bolo main tumhare kis kaam aasakti hoon.

Shakti: AAAuuuuuu…mera naam hai balllllllllma.
Thank you for calling aaauuuuu
Customer: I need your manager
Shakti: Mujhse baat karona.. Main ek chhota sa, nanha
sa, pyarasa…rep hooon..

Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi … thank youji for calling ji..
Ayyo
Customer : I am not devi
Mehmood : Ayyo muruga… ye dyevi nai ji … ye to
dyeva hai…

Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta
hai….. May I know your name please
Customer : Mona
Ajit: Mona darling… tumne hamein call kyun kiya
Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER
Ajit: Mona dear.. Agar hum tumhe hamara manager
dedenge to hamein manage kaun karega….

Gabbar: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ….Jo dargaya wo
maraga… batao tumhen kya chahiye
Customer : I want to buy a product from your company
Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re
Customer : $ 10.00
Gabbar: Suvvar Ke baccho … sirf…
$10.00…dhikkaar hai

Prem Chopra: Prem…Prem naam hai mera.. Prem
chopra…
Customer : I lost my invoice I need one
Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni
invoice khud dhoondle

Rajkumar : Jaani ….. Tumhara ye call bahut keemti
hai.. Ise cut mat karna
Customer: I lost my invoice
Rajkumar: Jaani… ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke
khelne ki cheez nahi
Customer : shut up.. I need my invoice sent to me in
10 minutes… otherwise I will speak to your manager
Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena…
manager humko darasake manager mein itna dum nahi… humse hai

manager… manager se hum nahi…

Sharukh: Thank you for
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Customer hung up the phone….

kiss without touching (you can try this one)

John said to Mary, “I’ll bet you ten cents I can kiss you on the lips without touching them.”

“You’re crazy,” said Mary. “That’s impossible. Here’s a dime that says you can’t.”

The two dimes were placed on the mantelpiece and John then enfolded Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately, and moistly.

She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, “You did nothing BUT touch my lips.”

John pushed the dimes toward her and said, “So I lose.”

 

first day as a medical student

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor : The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body.”

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.”Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention………”